Introducing Love and Logic

1. Introducing Love and Logic Parent Overview Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

2. What does Avery believe about discipline? • Every attempt is made to maintain the dignity and self-respect of both the student and adult. • Students are guided and expected to solve the problemsthey create without making problems for anyone else. • Students are given the opportunity to make decisions and live with the results regardless of the consequences. • Students have the opportunity to express their viewpoints when incidents arise. • Student misbehavioris viewed as an opportunity for individual problem solving and preparation for the real world. • There is a logical connection between misbehavior and resulting consequences. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

3. Avery’s Expectations At Avery ES, students follow our “Grizzly Cub Expectations” Accept responsibility for your own behaviors and actions Voices are quiet & movement is orderly in the halls Enter school on time, prepared and ready to learn Respect self, others and school property You control your own actions & behaviors Excellence in education is of utmost importance Safety rules are followed to help everyone Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

4. Are we on the same page? Do your beliefs align with Avery’s beliefs? Should we be on the same page? Why or why not? Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

5. Introducing Love and Logic Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

6. What is it? Love and Logic is… a set of “practical strategies for reducing behavior problems, increasing motivation, and building assets which contribute to life-long responsibility and resiliency.” (Fay, n.d.) Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

7. What is it? Love and Logic is… “an approach to working with students that puts teachers in control, teaches kids to think for themselves, raises the level of student responsibility, and prepares kids to function effectively in a society filled with temptations, decisions, and consequences.” (Fay & Funk, 1995) Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

8. What is it? Love and Logic is… a language that expresses what I will and will not do, and what I am and am not willing to tolerate. (Spencer, 2008) Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

9. What does it look like? Maintaining relationships Enforceable limits Maintaining relationships Choices Maintaining relationships Empathy Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

10. What does it look like? Enforceable limits Limits are set when the adult says, “This is how I’m going to run my life.” Limits are enforced when the adult does not engage in arguments about the limits. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

11. What does it look like? Enforceable limits Limits are set: “My car will be leaving at 7:00.” Limits are enforced: “Will you wear your shoes or carry them?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

12. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “Hurry up! I have to go!” Love and Logic language: “My car is leaving when the first number on the clock is a seven. Will you be going to the school with your clothes on…or your clothes in a bag?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

13. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “Eat that! It’s going to get cold.” Love and Logic language: “Dinner will be on the table until the timer goes off.” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

14. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “You’re not going out without your coat.” Love and Logic language: “I’ll be glad to take you outside once you have your coat.” OR “Feel free to go out when you have your coat.” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

15. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “Pick up your toys.” Love and Logic language: “I keep the toys I pick up.” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

16. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “Leave your brother alone! Why can’t you two…” Love and Logic language: “I charge $2 a minute for listening to arguing. Will you be paying with toys or money from your piggy bank?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

17. What does it look like? Enforceable Statements Common language: “Clean this room!” Love and Logic language: “Feel free to go outside when your room is clean.” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

18. What does it look like? • Choices • Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for anyone else. • For each choice, give only two options, each of which you can live with. • If the kid doesn’t decide in ten seconds, you decide. • Only give choices appropriate for your setting. • Timing is everything! Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

19. What does it look like? Choices Common language: “Sit in that chair, please.” Love and Logic language: “Would you like to sit in this chair or that chair?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

20. What does it look like? Choices Common language: “You are wearing that shirt.” Love and Logic language: “Do you want to wear this shirt or that shirt?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

21. What does it look like? Choices Common language: “Time to brush your teeth.” Love and Logic language: “Do you want to brush your teeth upstairs or downstairs?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

22. What does it look like? Choices Common language: “Clean your room.” Love and Logic language: “Would you like to clean your room today or tomorrow?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

23. What does it look like? Choices Common language: “Take out the trash.” Love and Logic language: “Would you like to take out the trash or would you like to pay me to do it?” Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

24. What does it look like? Empathy “Empathy is powerful in terms of problem ownership because it is virtually impossible to transfer blame to someone who feels sad for you.” (Fay & Funk, 1995) Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

25. What does it look like? Empathy “No behavior technique will have a lasting, positive result if it is not delivered with compassion, empathy, or understanding.” (Fay & Funk, 1995) Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

26. What does it look like? Empathy allows consequences to do the teaching, and sets kids up for solving their own problems. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

27. What does it look like? Empathy Kid: Matthew is mad at me. Parent: I bet that hurts. What do you think you’re going to do? Kid: I don’t know. Parent: Would you like to hear what other kids have tried? Kid: I guess. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

28. What does it look like? Empathy Parent: I remember when Timmy was having a problem with his friend. He decided to be mean to the other person all day. How do you think that would work for you? Kid: I don’t know. I don’t wanna be mean. I might get in trouble. Parent: Yeah, I suppose you could. Alexis decided to talk with her friend about why she was mad. How do you think that would work for you? Kid: What if he won’t talk to me? Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

29. What does it look like? Empathy Parent: Well, I guess that could happen. Last week, your brother decided to apologize to his friend. How do you think that would work? Kid: I could I guess. Parent: Yeah, I guess. Well, good luck. I hope everything works out. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.

30. Where do we go from here? • Start paying attention to the language you use with your kids. • Experiment! Have fun! • Enjoy being a parent. • Get on the same page with your child’s teacher. Pam Spencer, Ph.D.