Paradigms of Interdependence

1. Paradigms of Interdependence Moving From Maturation to Leadership By. C. Kohn

2. Habits 1,2,3 • We’ve covered Habits 1-3 so far. To review: • Habit 1 – Be Proactive • Habit 2 – Begin With the End in Mind • Habit 3 – Put First Things First • These are the personal, independent habits • We are moving into Habits 4-7 • Habit 4 – Think Win/Win • Habit 5 – Seek to Understand, Then Be Understood • Habit 6 – Principles of Creative Cooperation • Habit 7 – Sharpen the Saw • Before we can move on, we must consider the differences between being independent and interdependent.

3. Dependent, Independent, and Interdependent. • When we began, we assumed you were partially dependent • Reactive people give up power and independence in order to become dependent on others • Offering excuses means you do not have control over your life and do not seek to gain it. • Rather than focus on what can be done, you are focusing on what has happened and cannot be changed. • Hopefully, you are realizing it is better to progress to independence. • Assume responsibility and you can be in charge of your life. Grab the steering wheel…No one else will!

4. The Spectrum • However, Independence is only part of the way through this spectrum. • On the far end lies interdependence. • With Dependence, we have no control • With Independence, we have limited control • With Interdependence, we have maximum control. • Interdependence is what we think of as leadership – utilizing the collaborative resources of a group to achieve a goal that, alone, no one could accomplish.

5. Interedependence • While interdependence provides maximum control, it requires an individual to relinquish some control as well. • You give a little to gain a lot • It is an investment – pay now to gain later • Interdependence also requires intense management – you must maintain relationships with others and give up short term gain for long term results.

6. The Golden Goose • Everyone knows the basic story of the Golden Goose. • A man finds a goose who lays golden eggs. • Each day, the goose lays an egg made of solid gold. • The man immediately realizes his fortune, but over time he becomes greedy. • One day, he kills the goose to get all the eggs, only to find nothing. • What is the moral of this story? TPS.

7. P/PC Balance • P in this case is Production, while PC is Production Capacity • P in the fable is the golden egg, while PC is the goose • When PC is compromised for short term gain, P ultimately suffers as well • I.e. When the goose was killed to get more production, production completely stopped • E.g. when we fail to maintain our lawn mower in order to mow more lawns, the lawn mower begins to fail. • E.g. when we constantly ask for favors without any chance of return, we strangle the Golden Gooses in our lives

8. P/PC Balance, Defined • P/PC Balance simply means that we are working to maintain the things that provide us with the things we want. • A sort of stitch in time to save nine • These can be out of balance in either way • 1. If we fail to maintain PC, P will drop off • 2. If we only maintain PC with no P, we’re equally worse off • There must be a balance between P and PC • Relationships are the ultimate P/PC Balance

9. Emotional Bank Accounts • An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor for a relationship with another person. • Every time you do a favor for that person, it is like making a deposit in a “bank account” • Every time you ask for a favor, it’s like making a withdrawal. • Like any financial investment, you can overdraw your account. • You must make continuous and regular deposits if you plan on making any withdrawals.

10. Examples of Withdrawals • Asking for favors without returning them • Complaining and pessimistic tones of voice • Pointing out personal shortcomings • Unfriendly sarcasm and snide remarks • Highlighting other’s errors and mistakes • Expectations that are not communicated • Negative attitudes in general (because really, who wants to be around that voluntarily?) • Broken promises • Disregard for personal values and interests • Lack of integrity “It is the weak who are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong” – Leo Roskin

11. 6 ways to make deposits • Understanding the Individual • Attend to the little things • Keep commitments • Clarify expectations • Show personal integrity • Apologize sincerely when a withdrawal is made

12. Understanding the individual • An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. • To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. • If you have no interest in , but an acquaintance does, you must make an effort to understand and appreciate why they are a passionate about it. • Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding.

13. This never happened but… • According to an almost certainly false legend, someone once asked Queen Victoria whose company she most preferred. • She replied that of two of her prime ministers, one by far left her feeling that he was the most interesting person in the world. • However, when she ate with another, she left feeling that she was the most interesting person in the world. • Conceit is thinking “I’m great”. Charm is thinking “You’re great”. • Conceit = Withdrawal; Charm = Deposit • The greatest gift you can give anyone is to see them as they wish to be seen (F. Scott Fitzgerald).

14. Attend to the Little Things • Little forms of disrespect make big withdrawals • Snide remarks, lack of courtesy, and little unkindnesses undermine your relationships with everyone around you. • In personal relationships, the little things are the big things because they happen most often • Conceit demands, but Charm appreciates

15. Keep Commitments • Keeping a promise is a major deposit • Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal • Never make a promise you can’t keep • If you can’t help but make a promise, you lack internal security – you are trying to gain in P by sacrificing PC; i.e. you’re killing the goose to get the eggs

16. Clarify Expectations • The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. • Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later. • Never assume someone else “just knows” what you expect from them – you must communicate your needs. • “We tend to judge others by their actions and not their intentions but solely judge ourselves by our intentions and not our actions.” Nick Palkowski

17. Show Personal Integrity • A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. • Honesty means conforming our words to reality – we say what is true • Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. • “We do what we say” • Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking, because very often, someone is.

18. We Are All “The One” At Some Point • The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. • How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one.

19. Apologize Sincerely When Needed • Sincere apologies are deposits. • We all make mistakes from time to time • Sincere apologies require us to possess a deep sense of inner security • People with little internal security cannot do it – it makes them too vulnerable and their sense of power does not come from within but from without • Repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals. • If you are repeatedly making a mistake, you are knowingly making a mistake

20. In the end… • Dag Hammerskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual, than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." • It is at the one-on-one level that we live the primary laws of love and life. Our individual actions with each other matter more than our public displays of service. • Problems should be recognized as PC opportunities,a chance to build up emotional bank accounts, to sharpen the blade of our mower • These are opportunities to deeply understand and help others, which applies to all personal relationships in the family, with workers and with customers.

21. Where are we going? • In the next four habits, we will talk about our relationships with others. • However, we cannot have solid relationships with others unless we have control in our life, appreciation of what is important, and an ability to use this control to go where we seek to be. • Habits 1-3 are the roots. • Habits 4-7 are the fruits. • Without roots, there are no fruits.