Dealing with Bullying

1. Dealing with Bullying Maureen Tanis, MSW, LICSW Outpatient Behavioral Health Mayo Clinic Health System Mankato – Eastridge Clinic

2. Objectives • Understand the definition of bullying • Increase awareness of the warning signs that a child might be experiencing bullying • Understand dangers specific to cyberbullying • Learn appropriate responses with which to help a child deal with bullying • Identify ways to prevent bullying

3. What is bullying? • Unwanted, aggressive behavior that happens more than once (or has the potential to be repetitive) and involves a real or perceived imbalance of power • Attempts to control or harm others • Intentional • Makes a person feel unsafe or is hurtful • Thrives on the imbalance of power

4. What is bullying? • Over 50% of children report being bullied • 70% of middle school students report that bullying is a “big problem” at school • Nearly half of 15-17 year old girls say they have been the victim of an online rumor, threatening message or other forms of bullying via electronic communication • 79% of reported incidents happen at school

5. What is bullying? • Verbal bullying - “relational aggression” • Teasing • Name calling • Racial slurs • Gossip • Malicious rumors • Exclusion • More indirect • 90% of bullying is verbal

6. What is bullying? • Physical bullying • Hitting, kicking • Tripping, pushing • Spitting • Destroying property

7. What is bullying? • Cyberbullying (electronic aggression) • Harassing emails • Texting • Social media • Risk of anonymity, fake user names

8. Who is the bully? • Well connected to peers • Have social power • Like to dominate, be in charge • Higher self esteem, want to confirm their status, feel more powerful and in control

9. Who is the bully? • Isolated from peers • Low self esteem • Easily pressured by others • Difficulty identifying with feelings of others

10. Who is the bully? • Other factors: • Aggressive or easily frustrated • Less parental involvement or issues at home • Difficulty following rules • View violence as positive • Have friends who are bullies • Bullies don’t have to be bigger or stronger! • Real or perceived power imbalance

11. Who is at risk of being bullied? • Differences • Appearance • New • Socioeconomic status • Academic ability or performance • Perceived as weak, defenseless • Low self-esteem, or appear depressed or anxious • More isolated • Behavior others perceive as “annoying”

12. Warning signs of bullying • It may not get reported out of fear • Embarrassing • Fear of retaliation • Fear no one will believe them • Feel like no one cares • Fear of rejection by friends they feel they do have • Fear of losing privileges (internet, cell phone)

13. Warning signs of bullying • Reluctance to go to school, ride the bus • Headaches, stomachaches • Sleep difficulties • Declining school performance • Damaged, missing clothing or belongings • Lost money • Unexplained injuries • Isolated, few friends

14. Warning signs of bullying • Change in eating behavior after school • Makes a “beeline” for the bathroom • Behavior that is out of character • Withdrawal

15. Talking about bullying • Support and encourage open communication with your child • If you are suspecting, ask • Encourage your child to share his/her concerns • Express understanding/concern • Remain calm, respond in a loving manner • Remind them that they are not to blame • Learn about it: who/where/when/witnesses

16. Talking about bullying • Do not assume or believe that it is normal or a rite of passage • Do not leave your child to handle it alone • Don’t tell them just to ignore it • Early intervention can help prevent lasting problems • Poor school performance • Truancy • Injury

17. Talking about bullying • Possible long term severe effects of bullying • Depression, anxiety • Other mental health issues • May increase the risk of suicide or violence • If there are existing mental health issues, being bullied can make them worse

18. Helping your child respond to bullying • Do not promote fighting back • Encourage your child to maintain his/her composure • Help them with the use of humor and neutral responses and walk away, practice • Say “stop” and walk away • Help with self-confidence, practice • Stick with friends or at least be with other people

19. Helping your child respond to bullying • Ask teachers or school officials for help • School counselor, social worker, principal • Better than contacting parent yourself

20. Responding to bullying • Neutral responses: • “so” • “whatever” • “you noticed” • “you may be right” • “and your point is?” • “it’s ok - you don’t have to like me” • “thanks for sharing” • “let me know when you get over it”

21. Responding to bullying • Turn insults into compliments • Ask questions • Agree with the possibility • HA HA SO • Help, Assert, Humor, Avoid, Self-talk, Own it • Practice scenarios with your child to develop the skill!

22. Responding to cyberbullying • Monitor your child’s electronic use • Have password access! • Do not respond to or forward messages • Block the person • Log off for a period of time

23. Responding to cyberbullying • Keep evidence of cyberbullying • Record, date, time, descriptions of instances • Save and print screenshots, emails, texts • Can be used to report to web and cell phone providers

24. Responding to cyberbullying • When cyberbullying involves the following, report to law enforcement: • Threats of violence • Sending sexually explicit photos or messages • Taking/sending a photo of someone when they would expect privacy • Stalking or hate crimes

25. Responding to bullying • In school: • Intervene immediately • Separate kids involved • Model respectful behavior • Help them get away • Don’t ignore it • Don’t immediately try to sort out or put kids on the spot – talk to kids involved separately

26. What about the bully? • Greater risk of physical bullying by males • Greater risk of relational aggression by females • Accept that your child could possibly be a bully • Take time to get all of the information and listen to the people involved • Avoid yelling or becoming physically aggressive with your child

27. What about the bully? • Look at adult behavior that is being modeled for your child and help all family members learn healthy ways of expressing anger • Watch tone and words used with your child • The behavior, not the child • Clear consequences for bullying • Make amends

28. What about the bully? • Help your child understand how it might feel to be bullied and that others dislike bullies • Know when to seek professional help, treatment is more effective if started early • Without help, bullying can lead to serious school, social, emotional, and legal problems

29. Preventing bullying • Boost your child’s self-confidence!! • Encourage and facilitate participation in activities that will raise their self esteem, and to do what they love - activities and interests protect against bullying • Teach your child self-respect • Encourage the building of healthy friendships and know their friends • Stress the importance of body language • Build social skills

30. Preventing bullying • Education about bullying • Keep lines of communication open • Check in with your kids • Tell me about one good/one bad thing today • What is lunch like? What is the bus like? • Know when to seek professional help • In school, be a safe person that is seen as a resource

31. Preventing bullying • Help your child who may be the “bystander” • Being friendly can go a long way in helping a person who is being bullied • Talk to the person, sit with them at lunch, listen, be supportive • Text or talk to them later, let the person know what happened was not cool • Be a distraction • Don’t be the audience • Ask the person being bullied if they can do anything to help • Help the person being bullied to talk to a trusted adult

32. Preventing bullying • Be a role model for your children or students • They are watching! • Model kindness and respect • Model support and tolerance, particularly for diversity • Model appropriate management of conflict, stress, and frustration

33. Preventing bullying – School based responses • Should be comprehensive and long term • Based on “Best Practices” • Building culture • Respect for diversity • Willingness to respond (the bystanders) • Sense of belonging • Interventions should not further victimize the target of the bullying • “Nice” Projects • Film: Minnesota Nice? - Alec Fischer 2012

34. Safe and Supportive Schools Act • Signed into law April 9, 2014 • Defines bullying • Addresses cyberbullying • Requires districts to adopt a local or state policy • Requires schools to offer programs to identify and prevent bullying • Establishment of a state multi-agency council to assist schools

35. Dealing with Bullying - Summary • Be available and present for your child • Support your child, help with skill building to protect against and cope with • Build self-esteem and encourage self confidence and involvement in activities • If your child is a bully, intervention is key • Work towards a culture of inclusivity and responding at school • Starts at home and with you!

36. Dealing with Bullying • Questions • Handouts • tanis.maureen@mayo.edu • 507-385-6500, ext. 46692

37. References • Bullying Beyond the Schoolyard, Preventing and Responding to Cyberbullying Sameer Hinduja, Justin W. Patchin • Bullies to Buddies, How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends Izzy Kalman • Cognitive Therapy for Adolescents in School Settings Torrey Creed, J. Reisweber, A. Beck • How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies Kate Cohen-Posey, M.S. • Good-bye Bully Machine Debbie Fox, Alan Beane, PhD • The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander Barbara Coloroso • Mayoclinic.org • Stopbullying.gov • The Bully, The Bullied, and Beyond Esther Williams, MEd • Little Girls Can Be Mean Michelle Anthony PhD, Reyna Lindert Phd • Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain Trevor Romain • Bullying Prevention Resource Guide The Colorado Trust 2008 • Preventing Bullying and School Violence Stuart Twemlow MD, Frank Sacco PhD • Relay Health 2012 • Wiredsafety.org • State of Minnesota: www.house.leg.state.mn.us