Children Living in Blended Families

1. Children Living in Blended Families Presented by Jennifer Garcia

2. The Norm More and more, blended families are becoming the norm • 50% of the children in the U.S. are being raised in blended families (http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-families.htm) • 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed every day. (Gillespie, http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info) • By 2010, it is predicted there will be more stepfamilies than any other type of family (Gillespie, http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info2005) • At least one third of the children living in the U.S. are expected to live in a blended family before the age of 18 (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm)

3. There is little that is simple in any stepfamily situation. One thing for sure, blended families suggest no fairytale (shows like the Brady Bunch give a false sense of security). Blended children are at greater risk of living in high conflict homes(http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htm) Over 50% of second/third marriages that end in divorce are caused by the children(http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html) Risk Factors

4. The Grieving Child Children in blended families are grieving, and more often not mature enough to explain their unhappiness. Keep in mind they have lost a biological parent and have to move from an environment they were used to, (i.e., school, friends, church, neighbors...). This stress can be overwhelming. • They feel unwanted by a stepparent • Feel alienated in the new family • Torn by tension between biological parents • Discomfort around the holidays and major events • Feel instant competition between stepchildren and new parent figure

5. Your Child’s Need Children need permissions to mourn their loss before embracing a new family system. Failure to accept these feeling may lead to angry outbursts. • Children need guidance, instruction, training, choices, consequences, and supervision. • It is important that the child see the family as a unit, not as separate individuals who disagree. Parents can provide the way for bringing unity into their blended family, without threatening original bonds.

6. Guilt is not an uncommon feeling in divorcing parents. Most parents want to do well by their children. They often experience anxiety about the repercussions the divorce may have on their children. Some stepparents want to be seen as the “good guy.” They want to be lenient with discipline. The birthparent’s can be defensive with his/her spouse’s view. The birth parent can be blinded to certain parts of parenting, especially when he/she is dealing with underlying guilt over a broken original marriage. The transition for children from being the center of attention by the guilty divorced parents to having to conform to set rules by the new step-parent does not go over well. Guilt of Parents

7. Respect, Cooperation, and Patience No marriage ceremony makes a new family. An immediate loving situation is not going to develop overnight. • The children need to know that, although love is not necessary, respect and cooperation is expected. • Patience is the key to building new relationships. It will take time to build your new family, and keep in mind, it will probably never equal the first original family. Bottom line is if the family is going to stay together, cooperation is needed.

8. The arrival of a new parent can cause tension, prompt conflicts and doubts about the child’s role in the family. Some children will test the relationship between their biological parent and their stepparent. They will break rules and challenge parents Recognize that the stepchildren are not yours and never will be. You are not replacement parents. The children need to know that the new spouse is not a potential father or mother. Although stepparents, you hold a vital and important role in the dynamics of the new family. Arrival of the New Parent

9. Roles in step-families are not clear. Children need to learn/adjust to... New rules and routines of two different households. Learn how to respond to a new father-like or mother-like figure, sometimes in two different household Set clear expectations and consequences. Describe what is expected of them and tell them about the good and bad consequences of their actions. Remind your children that they make the choice for appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Providing Structure

10. Establishing Roots Continuality is especially important to children of blended families. Children need to have a sense of connection to their new family • Show them a family tree – knowing where the new family comes from and understanding that they have a special personality helps your child develop a personal identity. • Show pictures – familiarize your children with the new parent’s family in order to make that more real. • Tell stories – describe special events that you can share to help them gain a sense of pride. Establish new traditions. The new family has not shared history. Although honoring some existing rituals, look for uniqueness in your new family

11. Identifying Strengths Every member has a unique quality in the family. Do not expect the blended family to function as the natural family. Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as the natural family. The blended family has its own unique qualities. Once learned, these aspects can become positive. A sense of ownership to the new family will be gained. • Identify everyone’s strengths • Ask each member of the family to use their skills to benefit the family • Make your step-child feel just as important as a natural child. Your stepchildren will know when you are playing favoritism. When the interest of the stepchildren, or spouse, are found down the list, this is a formula for disaster.

12. Consistency • Strong commitment during tough times is a must for parents. It may be tempting to try to please your child, but freedom may not be what your child may need at the time. It’s a balancing act for the birth parent. • Stick to your guns – do what you said you would do. Follow through. Explain to your children that you love them enough to set boundaries and hold them to those boundaries. • Discuss rules and consequences of inappropriate behavior. • Establish a unified parent approach that is evenly applied to everyone.

13. Creating a Marital Bond Don’t forget your marriage. Make time for each other. Having a strong marriage will help your blended family. New married couples do not have the usual first few months to bond. Instead, they are more consumed with their own children than with each other. It is important for the couple to build a bond. Couples should set aside time for each other. This will ultimately benefit in creating stability.

14. Parents need to understand basic child development so not to mistake normal behavior as inappropriate Children under 10 years find adjustment easier. The forces that draw the stepfamily together coincide with the child’s needs. Younger children are typically more accepting. Nevertheless, they are quick to feel a sense of abandonment and competition if they feel threatened. Adolescents (10 -14) – have the most difficult time adjusting. Stepparents need to be sensitive to needs before playing the role of disciplinarian. Teens (15 or older) – need less parenting. Older children prefer to separate form the family to form their own identity; they are less interested in bonding. Nevertheless, they are more sensitive to the expression of affection and sexuality in the family. Age Factors

15. Support Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Studies show that children in blended families are less resilient in stressful situations. They face higher risk of emotional and behavior problems. • Recognize underlying issues that need to be taken care of (i.e., guilt from the break up of the original marriage or fear of abandonment). • Call on grandparents, clergy, and support groups to help with adjustments. Although most parents are able to resolve their own problems, don’t try to tough it out on your own. Seek help.

16. Compromise and Agreements So many blended families constantly disagree on child rearing issues. • Each side of these families come with their own established norms, traditions, and rules. You must parent your child and at the same time communicate effectively with your spouse. Set ground rules • Do not make threats or correct each other when you negotiate. Spend time thinking about both perspectives • If you reach an impasse, stop and discuss the issues in private. Children do not need to know who was for or against an issue. Don’t leave room for them to play one against the other. • Choose the solution that appeals the most to both of you • The adults must agree in advance about discipline, rules, and the consequences of unacceptable behavior • Explain the rules to the children • Each adult must support the other • Never make any decisions without your partner’s consent • Hold family meetings. Give each member a chance to express their opinion on rules

17. Respect for Prior Spouse • It not a good idea to speak negatively about ex-spouses. This undermines a child’s love for his/her parent and can effect their self-esteem or put them in a position of defending their parent, as well as, undermines the authority of your prior spouse. • Handle prior spouse responsibly – there are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses. • Respect former spouses parenting. Make sure your child spends quality time with him/her • Avoid conflicts when children are present

18. Advice • Don’t come on too strong. Don’t push your children in creating bonds. Give them time for it to happen naturally. • Don’t expect you stepchildren to call you mom/dad. Let them select a name they feel comfortable with. • Recognize you are not perfect. Be open to changes and don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes. Be honest without being defensive. • Reassure children that divorce/death was not their fault. Invite questions • Set aside time alone with each child and stepchild. Connect one-on-one to each. This will help establish a sense of belonging.

19. References • Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. (n.d.). Research and Statistics Affecting Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended- families.htm. • Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. (n.d.). The ABC’s for Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htm • Croucher, R. (October, 2001). Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html. • Deal, R.L. (2004). Blended Families. When Your’re the Stepparent. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/docu ments/articles/twi_013499.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Fam ilies&sssct=Life%20Applications • Dobson PhD., J. (2003). Blended Families. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public/@fotf_troubledwith/docume nts/articles/twi_topic_008599.cfm

20. References Deal, R.L. (2003). Blended Families. Is Remarriage a Step in the Right Direction? Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwi th/documents/articles/twi_013498.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic= Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info Gillespie, N.N. (2004). Blended Families. Portraits of a Stepfamily. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw ith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic= Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info Gillespie, N.N. (2003). Blended Families. Disciplining as a Team. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw ith/documents/articles/twi_082095.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic= Blended%20Families&sssct=Life%20Applications.

21. Referencies Harley PhD., W.F. (2005). How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html. Helpguide 2005, Expert, Non-Commercial Information on Mental Health & Lifelong Wellness (n.d.). Blended Families/Stepfamilies. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm McChristie, P. (2005). Blended Family Becomes the Normal Family. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended- family/blended-family-normal.htm Ross, E. (2003). Discipline in the Blended Family. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.momsvoice.com/pages/articles/discipline_families.html

22. References Stevens, J. (2005). New Stepparent in Your Blended Family. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/new-step-in- blended-famly.htm. Suite University. (2005). Blended Families– Agreeing to Joint Parenting. Retrieved June 25, 2005 from http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/blended_families/56250 Suite University, 2005, Real People Helping Real People (n.d.). Blended Family Challenges. Retrieved June 25, 2005 from http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/blended_families/60018. Wilson, J. (2005). Family Trees and Roots are Kids’ Identities. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/roots-are- kids-identity.htm. Wilson, J. (2005). Myth: Blended Family Equals Instant Family. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/myth-blended-family.htm.