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Assertiveness 101:

Assertiveness 101:. Intro to Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say. Three Patterns of Communication. Aggressive Nonassertive (Passive) Assertive. Aggressive Behavior.

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Assertiveness 101:

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  1. Assertiveness 101: Intro to Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say

  2. Three Patterns of Communication • Aggressive • Nonassertive (Passive) • Assertive

  3. Aggressive Behavior • Directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of the other person

  4. Aggressive Behavior • Goals of Aggressive Behavior: • domination and winning • forcing the other to lose • Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rights

  5. Aggressive Behavior • Nonverbals intend to dominate or demean the other • Eye contact that tries to stare down, dominate the other • Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; loud • Parental body gestures such as excessive finger pointing

  6. Reasons People Act Aggressively • To get your point across • Don’t know another way to get your point across • For personal gain, control • To avoid your own personal responsibility • Low self esteem • Anger related to previous nonassertion • Don’t have other coping mechanisms • Reacting to another’s aggression

  7. Consequences of Aggression • The other person gets defensive • Get rid of anger or other emotions • Lose friendships, other intimate relationships, damage relationships • Affect work, lose job • Lose respect

  8. Nonassertive Behavior • Violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and consequently permitting others to violate you

  9. Nonassertive Behavior • Goals of nonassertive behavior: • to appease others • to avoid conflict at any cost • Message communicated: • My thoughts aren’t important; I don’t count • I’m nothing; you are superior • I don’t respect your ability to take disappointments, handle your own problems. . .

  10. Nonassertive Behavior • Evasive eye contact • Body gestures such as stepping back from the other, hunching shoulders, covering the mouth, nervous gestures • Voice tone may be singsong or overly soft • Hesitant speech pattern, nervous laughter • Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety, self-effacement

  11. Reasons People Act Nonassertively • Avoid confrontation • Personality • Fear of hurting the other person • Fear of rejection, losing the other person • Avoid aggression • Self esteem • Lack of skills • Cultural differences

  12. Consequences of Nonassertion • Not getting your point across • Nothing changes, problems can get worse • Damages self esteem • Can lead to aggressive behavior • Other people can take advantage of you

  13. Assertive Behavior • Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights

  14. Assertive Behavior • Goals of Assertive Behavior-- • to get and give respect • to ask for fair play • to leave room for compromise when the needs and rights of two people conflict • to communicate and develop mutuality in relationships

  15. Assertive Behavior • Involves respect, not deference • Two types of respect: • respect for oneself • respect for the other person’s needs and rights

  16. Assertive Behavior • Basic Message: • This is what I think • This is what I feel • This is how I see the situation • This message expresses who the person is and is said without dominating, humiliating, or degrading

  17. Assertive Behavior • Assertive Behavior is NOT: • simply a way to get what you want • manipulative • aggressive • irresponsible

  18. Assertive Behavior • Nonverbals are congruent with verbals • Voice is appropriately loud to the situation • Eye contact is firm but not a stare down • Body gestures denote strength • Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and emphasizes key words

  19. Assertive Communication • I language Communication--3 parts: • I feel . . . (describe your feelings) • when . . .(objectively describe the other person’s behavior) • It’s tangible effects on you . . .(describe how the other person’s behavior concretely effects your life or feelings)

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