Writing in Plain Talk

1. Writing in �Plain Talk� For Management Services Administration Dana Howard Botka June 2, 2008 Ask the group what they think plain language is. Dumbing down? What is it? What does it try to achieveAsk the group what they think plain language is. Dumbing down? What is it? What does it try to achieve

2. What is plain language? An approach to writing and design that lets people quickly and easily: Find what they need. Understand what they find. Use it to accomplish their goals � or yours! Talk about how plain language isn�t about dumbing down. It has to do with our culture�s information overload � that has somehow run smack into a generation - or several generations of people - who weren�t trained carefully to write. It has lost value. People don�t need to write anymore because they can talk on the phone or write a quick e-mail. Have you ever read a letter written early in the 20th century by someone with only a high school education? It�s often very good. Now it�s gaining new interest � I think � because of the information overload. Research from the emergence of the web about how people are coping with all of this information. Plain Talk is not about grammar or the correct spacing of sentences or elegant prose. It�s about practicality. Using techniques to deliver information quickly and accurately so that people can do the tasks they need to do. Its important to organizations, because we often want people do act in a certain way � pay bills, fill out forms correctly, not make expensive mistakes �Talk about how plain language isn�t about dumbing down. It has to do with our culture�s information overload � that has somehow run smack into a generation - or several generations of people - who weren�t trained carefully to write. It has lost value. People don�t need to write anymore because they can talk on the phone or write a quick e-mail. Have you ever read a letter written early in the 20th century by someone with only a high school education? It�s often very good. Now it�s gaining new interest � I think � because of the information overload. Research from the emergence of the web about how people are coping with all of this information. Plain Talk is not about grammar or the correct spacing of sentences or elegant prose. It�s about practicality. Using techniques to deliver information quickly and accurately so that people can do the tasks they need to do. Its important to organizations, because we often want people do act in a certain way � pay bills, fill out forms correctly, not make expensive mistakes �

3. Why plain language? Plain language gets people to act: Read what you have written. Make decisions. Perform a task.  But it�s more than making things run efficiently and helping with information overload To me, its about making government accessible to all people. The community of people can�t work together and make decisions if they�re all talking a different language. And many people can be mislead or disenfranchised.But it�s more than making things run efficiently and helping with information overload To me, its about making government accessible to all people. The community of people can�t work together and make decisions if they�re all talking a different language. And many people can be mislead or disenfranchised.

4. Why plain language? Plain language is a civil right. Credit card/mortgage contracts Medical consent forms Contracts Instructions to obtain benefits Appeal rights Voting instructions

5. Before Plain Talk We have been notified that you did not receive the state of Washington warrant listed on the attached Affidavit of Lost or Destroyed Warrant Request for Replacement, form F242-026-000. The state Treasurer�s Office has informed us that the warrant is outstanding and has not been cashed of today�s date. So here�s an example of what I�m talking about. Many of you have seen this rewrite from Labor and IndustriesSo here�s an example of what I�m talking about. Many of you have seen this rewrite from Labor and Industries

6. After Plain Talk Dear ____: Have you cashed your L&I check yet? The State Treasurer�s Office has informed us that a check we sent you has not been cashed. Review the attached legal form. It will show the amount of the check, what it was for, and the date it was issued. What happened? People were calling our hotline as much thinking they were about to be arrested. We didn�t measure.What happened? People were calling our hotline as much thinking they were about to be arrested. We didn�t measure.

7. Before Plain Talk OUR RECORDS INDICATE YOU HAVE NOT SUBMITTED YOUR EMPLOYERS PREMIUM REPORT OF HOURS AND PAYMENT FOR THE PREMIUM STATED ABOVE. RCW 51.16.155 AUTHORIZES LABOR AND INDUSTRIES TO ESTIMATE AND COLLECT PREMIUMS Here�s another example of a before - one of our collections letters. No one knew what we were talking about. Lots of calls. We developed a baseline on how responsive employers were to this.Here�s another example of a before - one of our collections letters. No one knew what we were talking about. Lots of calls. We developed a baseline on how responsive employers were to this.

8. After Plain Talk Your payment and completed Employer�s Quarterly Report for Industrial insurance is now past due. We rewrote the letter to make it very simple. This is just part of it.We rewrote the letter to make it very simple. This is just part of it.

9. Who are your customers? Legislators OFM Agency directors /managers Organization leaders Lobbyists Colleagues Governor Do the same principles apply? What do these folks have in common with the ordinary citizen and small business owner? They�re busy, they may not be familiar with your topic, they want you to get to the point, they are experiencing information overload like the rest of us � sifting through information so they can act or make a decision. What do these folks have in common with the ordinary citizen and small business owner? They�re busy, they may not be familiar with your topic, they want you to get to the point, they are experiencing information overload like the rest of us � sifting through information so they can act or make a decision.

10. Exercise: What�s the message? Proposed Activity Due to the increase in industrial insurance litigation anticipated during the balance of the current biennium and the next biennium, the agency requests funding for increased contracting costs and goods and services. The 17% increase in appeals from 1995 to 1996 will be followed approximately one year later by a commensurate increase in costs due to the time lag when these costs are actually incurred with each appeal. Personal Service Contract costs cover expert witness fees and special assistant attorneys general (for out-of-state cases). Goods and services costs cover witness fees, court reporters, medical consultations and attorney fees (awarded to opponent). Both sets of costs are generally not incurred until a hearing is actually held. This does not occur until at least 12 months from the time the appeal is filed. Therefore, the 17% rise in appeals will have its impact the first year of the biennium, and coupled with the 12% increase (average 6% each year) means additional funding of approximately 30% of the projected expenditures for these costs in the current biennium (11 months of actual expenditures divided by 11 multiplied by 24) less the carryover allotment is needed. The agency requests additional funding as follows: One of the problems with dense copy like this is that it�s not immediately clear what the message is. Let�s take moment. Anyone have any ideas? BIIA decision package - So dense we ask: What�s the message here? We want to scan to see if it applies to us, but it�s too hard. So what do people do? They stop reading.One of the problems with dense copy like this is that it�s not immediately clear what the message is. Let�s take moment. Anyone have any ideas? BIIA decision package - So dense we ask: What�s the message here? We want to scan to see if it applies to us, but it�s too hard. So what do people do? They stop reading.

11. Create a meaningful heading Increased legal services are needed to cover the effect of jump in appeals Due to the increase in industrial insurance litigation anticipated during the balance of the current biennium and the next biennium, the agency requests funding for increased contracting costs and goods and services. The 17% increase in appeals from 1995 to 1996 will be followed approximately one year later by a commensurate increase in costs due to the time lag when these costs are actually incurred with each appeal. Personal Service Contract costs cover expert witness fees and special assistant attorneys general (for out-of-state cases). Goods and services costs cover witness fees, court reporters, medical consultations and attorney fees (awarded to opponent). Both sets of costs are generally not incurred until a hearing is actually held. This does not occur until at least 12 months from the time the appeal is filed. Therefore, the 17% rise in appeals will have its impact the first year of the biennium, and coupled with the 12% increase (average 6% each year) means additional funding of approximately 30% of the projected expenditures for these costs in the current biennium (11 months of actual expenditures divided by 11 multiplied by 24) less the carryover allotment is needed. The agency requests additional funding as follows:

12. Break up the information Increased legal services are needed to cover the effect of jump in appeals Due to the increase in industrial insurance litigation anticipated during the balance of the current biennium and the next biennium, the agency requests funding for increased contracting costs and goods and services. The 17% increase in appeals from 1995 to 1996 will be followed approximately one year later by a commensurate increase in costs due to the time lag when these costs are actually incurred with each appeal. 1.) Personal Service Contract costs cover expert witness fees and special assistant attorneys general (for out-of-state cases). 2.) Goods and services costs cover witness fees, court reporters, medical consultations and attorney fees (awarded to opponent). Both sets of costs are generally not incurred until a hearing is actually held. This does not occur until at least 12 months from the time the appeal is filed. Therefore, the 17% rise in appeals will have its impact the first year of the biennium, and coupled with the 12% increase (average 6% each year) means additional funding of approximately 30% of the projected expenditures for these costs in the current biennium (11 months of actual expenditures divided by 11 multiplied by 24) less the carryover allotment is needed. The agency requests additional funding as follows: This gets to the next step. Looking for an organization. In this case, the writer hadn�t done a bad job of organizing argument so it flowed logically from beginning to end. But here, we are showing the reader the organization with white space and a couple of numbered bullets. What happens here?This gets to the next step. Looking for an organization. In this case, the writer hadn�t done a bad job of organizing argument so it flowed logically from beginning to end. But here, we are showing the reader the organization with white space and a couple of numbered bullets. What happens here?

13. Give each �chunk� a heading Increased legal services are needed to cover the effect of jump in appeals Appeals are on the increase: Due to the increase in industrial insurance litigation anticipated during the balance of the current biennium and the next biennium, the agency requests funding for increased contracting costs and goods and services. Higher costs: The 17% increase in appeals from 1995 to 1996 will be followed approximately one year later by a commensurate increase in costs due to the time lag when these costs are actually incurred with each appeal. What are the costs? 1.) Personal Service Contract costs cover expert witness fees and special assistant attorneys general (for out-of-state cases). 2.) Goods and services costs cover witness fees, court reporters, medical consultations and attorney fees (awarded to opponent). When will we see these higher costs? Both sets of costs are generally not incurred until a hearing is actually held. This does not occur until at least 12 months from the time the appeal is filed. Therefore, the 17% rise in appeals will have its impact the first year of the biennium, and coupled with the 12% increase (average 6% each year) means additional funding of approximately 30% of the projected expenditures for these costs in the current biennium (11 months of actual expenditures divided by 11 multiplied by 24) less the carryover allotment is needed. The agency requests additional funding as follows: Can we change �proposed activity?� Guide them with meaningful headings. I know you don�t always have room, but this really helps in today�s world. You will find that people will actually read what you�re writing. You are making it easier for them by guiding them with your headings. Now they may go back and find the information more easier.Can we change �proposed activity?� Guide them with meaningful headings. I know you don�t always have room, but this really helps in today�s world. You will find that people will actually read what you�re writing. You are making it easier for them by guiding them with your headings. Now they may go back and find the information more easier.

14. Another example of dense copy Dear _____________: Please furnish medical evidence in support of your pension claim. The best evidence to submit would be a report of a recent examination by your personal physician, or a report from a hospital or clinic that has treated you recently. The report should include complete findings and diagnoses of the condition which renders you permanently and totally disabled. It is not necessary for you to receive an examination at this time. We only need a report from a doctor, hospital, or clinic that has treated you recently. This evidence should be submitted as soon as possible, preferably within 60 days. If we do not receive this information within 60 days from the date of this letter, your claim will be denied. Evidence must be received in the Department of Veterans Affairs within one year from the date of this letter; otherwise, benefits, if entitlement is established, may not be paid prior to the date of its receipt. SHOW VETERAN'S FULL NAME AND VA FILE NUMBER ON ALL EVIDENCE SUBMITTED. Privacy Act Information: The information requested by this letter is authorized by existing law (38 U.S.C. 210 (c)(1)) and is considered necessary and relevant to determine entitlement to maximum benefits applied for under the law. The information submitted may be disclosed outside the Department of Veterans Affairs only as permitted by law. ____________________ Adjudication Officer Like this example because it was measured. Like this example because it was measured.

15. Headings and simplified content Dear _______________: We have your claim for a pension. Our laws require us to ask you for more information. The information you give us will help us decide whether we can pay you a pension. What We Need Send us a medical report from a doctor or clinic that you visited in the past six months. The report should show why you can't work. Please take this letter and the enclosed Guide to your doctor. When We Need It We need the doctor's report by January 28, 1992. We'll have to turn down your claim if we don't get the report by that date. Your Right to Privacy The information you give us is private. We might have to give out this information in a few special cases. But we will not give it out to the general public without your permission. We've attached a form which explains your privacy rights. If you have any questions about this letter, you may call us at 1-800-827-1000. The call is free. Sincerely, What�s different? Headings and simplified content meant that people were actually reading the document. What�s different? Headings and simplified content meant that people were actually reading the document.

16. The revised letter got results Old letter: Sent 750 times/month � 1128 calls New letter: Sent 710 times/month � 192 calls Work by Reva Daniel with Veterans Administration counselors Jacksonville, Miss. 1995 Changes behavior. Changes perception.Changes behavior. Changes perception.

17.  Six steps you can take � Put your message on the top. Give your reader context. Break up the information. Guide with meaningful headings. Remove unnecessary words. Use an active voice. Use the first or second person. Avoid jargon and legalese. Use plain, specific language. There are a few basic rules � understand the circumstances of your reader and what you really need to tell them. Organize the information.There are a few basic rules � understand the circumstances of your reader and what you really need to tell them. Organize the information.

18. Put your message at the top Decide what you most want them to notice Put it at � or near � the top Put the explanations below

19. Give your reader context Readers want to get oriented. What�s this all about? �Recently, you asked for a �� �On April 15, we met to discuss your �� � We have approved your application for a ground water permit �� Put the EADL letter up on the overhead as an example of numbers displayed without context. The bill did not apply in all situations�in fact, in MOST situations. Put the EADL letter up on the overhead as an example of numbers displayed without context. The bill did not apply in all situations�in fact, in MOST situations.

20. Break up the information People ask themselves: What�s in it for me? They will skim until they find it and give up if it takes too long Break it up Label each section

21. How people read paper documents Cover to cover 15% Scan 46% Read as reference 35% Never read 4% Schriver, 1997, 213; survey of 201 consumers answering the question, �Generally speaking, how do you use instruction guides?� (From 2002 Ginny Redish training: Writing for the Web.) Jakob Neilsen did the same type of study. Found that 40 percent didn�t read. They just scanned.Jakob Neilsen did the same type of study. Found that 40 percent didn�t read. They just scanned.

22. Remove unnecessary words Don�t: To facilitate the implementation of the new policy changes we reviewed, an informal meeting will be scheduled to discuss our options. Do: I will schedule a meeting to discuss our policy changes. Use the Public Disclosure example here, on an overhead. Pass out the hand-out of the Public Disclosure. Pass out the copy from my web site. Get to the point quickly. Think about how much time your reader is willing to spend and what will get their attention. People will appreciate it. Then put the Contractor Registration before and after example on the overhead. Sometimes too many words can totally confuse your purpose. In this case, we put only the most important stuff most people needed. In the shorter version, we actually added a message: you can register on line. Use the Public Disclosure example here, on an overhead. Pass out the hand-out of the Public Disclosure. Pass out the copy from my web site. Get to the point quickly. Think about how much time your reader is willing to spend and what will get their attention. People will appreciate it. Then put the Contractor Registration before and after example on the overhead. Sometimes too many words can totally confuse your purpose. In this case, we put only the most important stuff most people needed. In the shorter version, we actually added a message: you can register on line.

23. Use an active voice People want to know who is doing what to whom. Use the Clear Writing Guide �Active Voice� page as an overhead with further examples. This is how people talk. Discuss study that was done on this: Back in the early 1980s, a group of linguists at Carnegie-Mellon University was doing research on why people have so many problems with government documents. The researchers came up with the �think aloud� technique, which was used in the Veteran�s letter we looked at, and which I use when testing documents with customers. It�s used to study what happens in people�s minds when they read or write. The group, led by Linda Flower and Dick Hayes, did a study in which they had people read part of a government regulation. As the participants struggled with the long sentences, passive verbs, lack of actual people mentioned, etc., they translated the sentences as they read them into : if I do this, then the agency will do that.� Also talk about usability studies I have done. This is how people paraphrased � how they thought about what they just read. But the inactive is done almost as a defensive mechanism. �It�s not me, it�s the policy.� But in Claims, they decided, well, the claims manager IS the one making the decision. So we have the form letters saying �I have made a decision about your claim.�People want to know who is doing what to whom. Use the Clear Writing Guide �Active Voice� page as an overhead with further examples. This is how people talk. Discuss study that was done on this: Back in the early 1980s, a group of linguists at Carnegie-Mellon University was doing research on why people have so many problems with government documents. The researchers came up with the �think aloud� technique, which was used in the Veteran�s letter we looked at, and which I use when testing documents with customers. It�s used to study what happens in people�s minds when they read or write. The group, led by Linda Flower and Dick Hayes, did a study in which they had people read part of a government regulation. As the participants struggled with the long sentences, passive verbs, lack of actual people mentioned, etc., they translated the sentences as they read them into : if I do this, then the agency will do that.� Also talk about usability studies I have done. This is how people paraphrased � how they thought about what they just read. But the inactive is done almost as a defensive mechanism. �It�s not me, it�s the policy.� But in Claims, they decided, well, the claims manager IS the one making the decision. So we have the form letters saying �I have made a decision about your claim.�

24. Use an active voice Allen-Bradley Company. Makers of computers. It surveyed the marketplace and found that documents that accompany the product were the second most important factor (after workmanship) in influencing customers to buy. It used writing consultants to simplify the language. Tested them with customers, refined. Calls to the company�s phone center fell from more than 50/day to only 2 per month.Allen-Bradley Company. Makers of computers. It surveyed the marketplace and found that documents that accompany the product were the second most important factor (after workmanship) in influencing customers to buy. It used writing consultants to simplify the language. Tested them with customers, refined. Calls to the company�s phone center fell from more than 50/day to only 2 per month.

25. Use the first or second person Third person: �The person to whom this decision is issued, if he or she wishes to file an appeal, must file the appeal with the Pollution Control Hearings Board.� First and second person: �You may appeal this decision with the Pollution Control Hearings Board.�

26. Use the first or second person Don�t: A decision has been made about your claim Do: I have made a decision about your claim. Or We have made a decision about your claim. Talk about how claims managers were reluctant to use this terminology, as if they were responsible for the policies they were merely following in order to make the decision.Talk about how claims managers were reluctant to use this terminology, as if they were responsible for the policies they were merely following in order to make the decision.

27. Avoid jargon & legalese Don�t: By this notice, demand is hereby made for you to exercise your right of election pursuant to RCW 51.24.070. Do This is our formal demand for you to give us your decision

28. Avoid jargon and legalese Don�t: This CITATION AND NOTICE OF ASSESSMENT shall be deemed to be a final order of the Department and not subject to review by any court or agency unless, within fifteen (15) working days from the receipt of this CITATION AND NOTICE OF ASSESSMENT, the employer submits a Notice of Appeal.� Do: If you are cited for a violation of WISHA safety and/or health rules, you may appeal. You have 15 days from the date you received this citation to appeal.

29. Avoid jargon and legalese South Africa�s 1993 interim Constitution: Before: �Prima facie proof of discrimination on any of the grounds specified in subsection (2) shall be presumed to be sufficient proof of unfair discrimination as contemplated in that subsection, until the contrary is established.� South Africa�s 1995 final Constitution: Before: �Discrimination on one or more grounds listed in subsection (3) is unfair unless it is established that the discrimination is fair.�

30. Use lists when possible Government correspondence often contains instructions. List the steps. Numbered steps give the reader an idea of what�s involved � right away. Numbered steps reduces confusion when the reader returns to the instructions.

31. Use lists when possible South Africa�s 1993 interim Constitution: �Every person shall have the right to his or her personal privacy, which shall include the right not to be subject to searches of his or her person, home or property, the seizure of private possessions or the violation of private communications.� Huge chunks of information often appear in legislative writing. Here�s an example of �congested� information.Huge chunks of information often appear in legislative writing. Here�s an example of �congested� information.

32. Use lists when possible Plain language rewrite: �Everyone has the right to privacy, which includes the right not to have: a.) their person or home searched b.) their property searched c.) their possessions seized; or d.) the privacy of their communications infringed

33. Use plain, specific language cease Employ Furnish Inquire Prior to Procure Request Remit Retain Terminate Utilize Let�s see if we can find some replacement words. Why are they better? Because they are common to our lives and our conversaton and they are easier to absorb.Let�s see if we can find some replacement words. Why are they better? Because they are common to our lives and our conversaton and they are easier to absorb.

34. Plain, specific language Before After cease stop Employ use Furnish give Inquire ask Prior to before Procure get Request ask Remit send/pay Retain keep Terminate end Utilize Use

35. E-mail exempt from Plain Talk? Hey --- thanks for getting back to me re: the guv�s conference next Oct. I think the point of this next meeting will be to get consensus on our various roles, ie setting up the breakouts, conference c. set-up, giving our various speaker options calls and getting clear on the budget. I�ll round up Chris and Tom and use the 4th floor conference room tomorrow, 1-3. See you then. - Bob

36. The same principles apply Hi Everyone: Thanks for agreeing to participate in the Governor�s Leadership Conference Steering Committee. Here�s the information on our upcoming meeting; Thurs., Sept. 20 1 � 3 p.m. 4th floor conference room, OFM office, Insurance Building We�ll be taking care of some basic preliminary business, including: - Deciding what our roles and tasks will be. - Selecting and scheduling breakout sessions. - Planning our speakers. - Finalizing our budget. See you then, Bob

37. Conclusion � Who is your reader? What�s the main message? How do I want to organize it? How can I make it easy to scan? What can I cut? Are my sentences active � the way I would say them aloud?

38. For more than forty years, I've studied the documents that public companies file. Too often, I've been unable to decipher just what is being said or, worse yet, had to conclude that nothing was being said. If corporate lawyers and their clients use Plain Language, my life would be much easier. Warren Buffet Now we�re getting away from our typical citizen and small business owner. We�re getting to Warrn Buffet. Information you�re writing for legislators, George Orwell, �Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. 1946Now we�re getting away from our typical citizen and small business owner. We�re getting to Warrn Buffet. Information you�re writing for legislators, George Orwell, �Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. 1946

39. End of presentation Questions?

40. Exercise Due to the increase in industrial insurance litigation anticipated during the balance of the current biennium and the next biennium, the agency requests funding for increased contracting costs and goods and services. So let�s go back to our friendly BIIA decision package. Writing challenge. See if you can write this so it it�s short and to-the-point. We expect workers compensation appeals to increase by ___ % between date and date. This will require us to contract for additional ______ and _____ (more specific) So let�s go back to our friendly BIIA decision package. Writing challenge. See if you can write this so it it�s short and to-the-point. We expect workers compensation appeals to increase by ___ % between date and date. This will require us to contract for additional ______ and _____ (more specific)

41. Exercise The 17% increase in appeals from 1995 to 1996 will be followed approximately one year later by a commensurate increase in costs due to the time lag when these costs are actually incurred with each appeal.