Making Small Groups Work by Cloud and Townsend

1. Making Small Groups Work by Cloud and Townsend • New Harvest Ministry Small Group Leaders Training

2. Food for Thought • You are not the group, nor does all that happens in the group rest on your shoulders • The more the group works as a group, the less work you do. • Your role is to FACILITATE, to help certain things happen. • You are like a gardener.

3. Goals of Small Group • Members are reading the scripture and applying the word in their lives. • Members are experiencing healthy relationships in a safe environment. • Members are growing spiritually and holding each other accountable. • Certain members are being trained to become future small group leaders.

4. Questions from small group leaders • How do I create safety? • What do I do if someone talks too much or dominates the group? • What do I do if no one talks? • How do I confront someone? Should I? • What do I do with strong emotions? • How do I know if I am succeeding? • How do I know if God is pleased? • What exactly is my role as a leader? • Where does my role end and members’ roles begin? How are they different?

5. What are We Trying to Do as Small Group Leaders? • Each group has its own agenda and goals ( from general spiritual growth to specific topics such as marriage, redemption, dating, parenting, discipleship, etc…) • Your book or curriculum should guide you in terms of content. • What about the goals that relate to process, not content? • In other words, which transcendent goals and tasks apply to every group, regardless of the purpose or topic?

6. What are We Trying to Do as Small Group Leaders (cont’d)? • Every member experiences the common problem of living in a fallen world. • As fallen people, we love and deal with other fallen people. • We all encounter fallen spiritual, relational, psychological, emotional, and functional dynamics. • If you address and facilitate growth within these dynamics, you will help people no matter what kind of group you lead.

7. Result of the Fall • Disconnection from the source of life • Dual loss of relationship • Shame • Disobedience • Lost Knowledge of God’s ways • Lost Control

8. Your Ministry of Reconciliation • This is where you come in as small group leaders. • God’s purpose is to reconcile things back to himself and to use you in that process. • 2 Corinthians 5:18-20 “ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.

9. Reconciliation (cont’d) • Regardless of your group’s topic, the transcendent goal is the ministry of reconciliation. • In other words, you are helping in the process of bringing people back to God and the life he created for them to live. • There are 6 universal aspects of reconciliation and you can help your group achieve these aspects while you pursue your group’s specific goals.

10. 6 Universal Aspects of Reconciliation • Reconnect to the Source of life and see that God is the source of whatever they are trying to accomplish in life and in the group. • Reconnect through real relationship to God and through experiencing connections with others within the group. • Experience total grace, acceptance, and forgiveness in the group-and the absence of shame, guilt, judgment, and condemnation.

11. Reconciliation ( cont’d) • Learn and experience the value of obedience to God as the authority of life. • Learn God’s ways and how to apply them to life situations • Give control to God for the rest of life but take control and responsibility for themselves. • Through creativity, seeking, and prayer you will find many ways to live out these 6 points of spiritual growth.

12. Forming Group Stages Storming/Norming Working Performing Terminating transitioning

13. Forming Stage • Members test the atmosphere • Members learn norms and expectations • Members look for direction • Members decide whom they can trust, how much they will disclose, and how safe the group is. • Forming: risk taking is relatively low; exploration is tentative • Members begin to define their place in the group

14. Members test the leader and members for safety Struggle with whether to risk getting involved “ Are others trustworthy?” Experience some struggle or control for power Wonder about others’ acceptance or rejection of them Storming and Norming TRUST STRUGGLE TESTING OBSERVATION

15. Working Stage • Members interact freely and directly • Feedback is given freely and accepted non-defensively • Communication within groups is open • Accurate expression of what is being experienced • Willing to risk threatening material • Members feel supported and risk new behavior • GROUP COHESION IS HIGH

16. What can we do to facilitate towards the working stage? • Plan many fellowship events • Ice-breakers • Small group time during gathering • Prayer • Self-disclosure • Normalize suffering

17. Terminating • Creating a climate that encourages members to continue working after the sessions • Do you attempt to get members to transfer what they are learning in the group to their everyday lives? • Future direction • Last session ideas

18. What Happens in a Good group • Mentoring • Grieving • Healing • Confrontation • Modeling • Acceptance of weakness • Discipleship

19. What Happens in a Good Group? ( Cloud and Townsend) • A second family • Connection • Support and strengthening • Prayer • Accountability • Forgiveness • Discipline and structure

20. Discipline and Structure • Clear expectations about members’ attendance, involvement, and participation • Discipline protects the group (elevating the value of the group) • Group structure helps those who need internal limits ( better self-control, restraint, and responsibility) • Discipline with love and grace

21. Using Immediacy • IMMEDIACY- identifying and naming the potentially uncomfortable fact and using it to further the group process. • Jen is consistently talking too much in the group discussions and other members are visibly bothered by it. However, no one is willing to say anything. • Use immediacy to confront the situation. • What would happen to the group dynamics if immediacy is not used?

22. Responsibilities of Group Members • Expect the unexpected • Be known • Really Listen to Each Other • Give and Receive Feedback • Learn to Love • Practice Obedience • Confess and Repent

23. The Responsibilities of Group Facilitators • Balance grace, truth and time (please read book!) • Interpret themes, symbols, and meanings • Allow silent moments • Facilitate Process • Confront • Actively Listen

24. Facilitate Process • Process is an unfolding discovery of God, ourselves, and each other in connected moments of going with the flow. • Use what is happening in the group to get more process to happen. • You can use process-oriented statements. • Use what you notice in the group to make it aware of what it is doing and not doing.

25. Process (cont’d) • Notice and share what you observe • I notice that we have drifted away from sadness. What happened? • I notice that it seems little sluggish here tonight, Why do you think that is? • It seems like we were really connecting and things changed. Why is that? • Pastor Jean, I notice when you talked about that, you seemed to really be feeling some things. Can you tell us what they are? • Pastor Doug, I notice that when people talk about feelings, you often interrupt and give a bible verse. Are you aware that you do that?

26. Ask Open-Ended Questions • Avoid questions that do not further discovery or process, such as yes or not or factual answers. • What are some of your responses to the passage we just read? • Can you tell us more about that? • Does anyone have anything they would like to share or add? • What does this bring up for you? • What is going on with some of you this week? • Where do you have difficulty applying what we just read or talked about? • What stands out?

27. Ask the group for feedback • Ask how they think the process is going. • What is getting us there? • What is keeping us from there? • How would some of you describe what we have been doing, what the process is? What has it been like? How would you want it to be different?

28. Confront • Proverbs 27:5 “ Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” • Confrontation is a gift, sometimes even a lifesaving gift but has to be done well.  • Start with affirmation and empathy. “Pastor Doug, I like you and appreciate you. Because of that, there is something I think you need to know that might help you.” • “notice” works better than “should”

29. “ Margaret, I noticed that sometimes your work and other things seem to leave no room for your family. They way you describe your life sounds to me like there is not much room for them.” This is much better than, “ You should stop working and be at home!” • Ways to begin confrontations • I notice that… • I have seen that you… • Have you noticed that… • Are you aware of the fact that…? • One of the things I have seen you do… • The way that I experience you is… • I wonder if you have ever thought about how you… • I experience what you are saying differently than you do…

30. Turn and Talk • How do you confront a member who is consistently late to group? • How do you confront a member who seems to come to group unprepared? • How do you confront a member who seems to be disengaged from discussion? • Proverbs 15:22 “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.”

31. Active Listening • We may think that listening is just the ability to know what someone has said. • Once we know what someone has said, we feel the permission to tell them them what we think or feel, or whatever we want them to listen to from us. • This is NOTlistening- it is just waiting your turn.

33. Active Listening • What is active listening? • Listening as a facilitator means to hear the person and to have the person know that you have heard. • You have to say and do things to let someone know that they have been heard and understood. This takes a little attention and effort. • Result: person feels validated (supported), understood, cared for, and attended to

35. Active Listening Example • Sue says, “ I guess I have just been overwhelmed this week in all that has happened. I sometimes want to give up, but then I feel like I am just having a pity party. I mean, people go through stuff like this all the time. I even feel guilty for talking about it, but it gets me.” • Leader says, “ Oh Sue. Don’t be discouraged. It isn’t that bad. You can do it! God can meet your needs, and we will help you get through this time. It won’t be too much for you. You are a strong person.

36. Alternative Response to Sue • Leader responds, “ Sounds like it has been horrible for you and that you even feel worse for feeling that way. • Sue probably feels as if someone is really listening to her and hears what she has said- and gets it. She feels connected with, and now the whole group is right there with her because the leader has met her in her reality.

37. What the bible says about listening • Proverbs 18:13 “ He who answers before listening- that is his folly and his shame. • The solution is important but only after you have really heard and understood the issue and after the person has understood that you have understood. • Proverbs 20:5 “ The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

38. Validation/Invalidation (cont’d) • Validation does not mean that you agree with the person’s reality. • You acknowledge that the reality of his feelings are true for him.

39. Validation vs. Invalidation • When you actively listen to someone, he feels heard and feels something calledvalidation. • Validation means that the person’s reality has been see as real or true for him. • Invalidation means negation of experience or reality.

40. Empathy • Empathy occurs when someone feels that you really enter into his or her experience and reality. • Nothing has changed in the reality of their problems or issues, but something has changed in their reality as people: they are no longer alone with whatever it was. • Focus on the person. • Give nonverbal cues • Use reflective statements to show that you heard.

41. Reflective statements • “I don’t know how to cope with 3 kids and no husband. It just seems like there is no end to the list of things to do. I feel like I have no life and am swamped all the time, so I find myself withdrawing. I don’t like myself when I am like that and feel like a lousy mother.” • The empathetic person might reflect, “ It’s like there is so much required of you that you reached the end of yourself and retreat. It’s too much, and then you even feel worse about yourself. That’s a terrible feeling.

42. Content+ Feelings=Being Understood • Find the main idea what someone is saying and identify how he feels about it. Example: Sounds like school is very demanding and you are getting discouraged. • Your husband is not too sensitive and you feel all alone. • PRACTICE your listening. You can never get too good at listening!

43. Active Listening Techniques • Be attentive to nonverbal language • Are you able to detect incongruity between members’ words and their nonverbal cues? • restating • Clarifying • Questioning • Reflecting feelings • Linking • Summarizing

44. Reflecting Feelings Activity • I can see that… • I think I understand how… • Sounds like… • It feels… • It seems that… • It feels to you like…. • Remember: CONTENT + FEELINGS= Being Understood

45. Questions/Comments