The Art of Grandparenting

1. The Art of Grandparenting Sean Brotherson, Ph.D., Extension Family Science Specialist Brenda Langerud, Extension Agent DivyaSaxena, Extension Associate NDSU Extension Service North Dakota State University 2008

2. Lesson Objectives Understand the unique roles of grandparents in the lives of grandchildren Identify needs and resources for grandparents caring for grandchildren in unique circumstances Plan practical steps to be involved with grandchildren and build closer relationships with them

3. Nine Things to Remember When Grandchildren Come to Visit 1. The voice of one 3-year-old crying is louder than those of 20 adults laughing. 2. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock. 3. VCR/DVD players do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 4. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys and cats do not like ovens.

4. Nine Things to Remember When Grandchildren Come to Visit 5. Play dough is not microwaveable. 6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh,” it already is too late. 7. Car keys are perfect for dropping down any vent. 8. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving. 9. Cats get dizzy when dropped down stairs while in a bag.

5. The Art of Grandparenting Becoming a grandparent puts adults in the role of mentors to a new generation – guiding, giving and engaging young people to see the future and what they can become.

6. What Do Folks Say About Being a Grandparent? “If I had known grandchildren were going to be so much fun, I would have had them first.” “If your baby never fusses, always sleeps through the night and is an absolutely perfect baby – you are not the parent, you are the grandparent.”

7. Ourselves – the Grandparents • Were you close to a grandparent? • Were/are your parents close to your children? • How did you feel when your first grandchild was born? • Can you see yourself as the emotional leader of your family? • What are the things you uniquely can teach your grandchild?

8. Multiple Roles of Grandparents What are some of the important roles grandparents play in family life? • Storyteller • Watchdog • Family historian • Supporter, nurturer • Game player • Someone to discuss problems with • Joke teller • Keeper of the faith

9. Role of Grandparents – What Do Family Members Say? “Grandparents are ______” • fun • good sports • patient and understanding • supportive and enthusiastic • devoted to their grandchildren “Grandparents give ______” • time • love • gifts “Grandparents don’t ______” • disagree with parents in front of children • disagree with the upbringing of grandchildren

10. Activities for Grandparents and Grandchildren • Joking and kidding • Family get-togethers (birthdays, holidays) • Talking about growing up – sharing personal stories • Giving advice or being a listening ear • Going to church, other religious activities • Working or doing chores together (running errands, gardening, etc.) • Taking a day trip • Teaching a skill or game (board game, fishing, crafts, etc.) • Conversation and phone calls

11. The Meaning of Grandparenting “It’s the only relationship known to man in which people are crazy about each other simply because they are breathing.”

12. What Grandparents Can Do • Impart a sense of identity • Provide unconditional love • Represent hope for the future • Be a source of stability and security • Act as a mentor and teacher • Exemplify positive values, ideals, beliefs • Nurture emotional and physical well-being • Be a role model and play companion

13. Grandparenting in Unique Circumstances Grandparents sometimes face unique situations in family life, such as: • Maintaining good-quality relationships with parents of their grandchildren • Grandparenting after parental divorce • Grandparentingstepgrandchildren • Grandparenting at a distance • Grandparents raising grandchildren

14. Relationships withYour Grandchild’s Parents • Have you talked with the parents about what kind of grandparent they would like you to be for their child? • Have you told them what kind of grandparent you would like to be? • Can you communicate with them? • How can you be supportive of them?

15. Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with Parents Trouble Spot - Parents are ignored as a key to the grandparent and grandchild relationship Remedy – Try to keep on good terms with parents, especially in-laws; avoid speaking ill of them, learn to see differences not as deficiencies

16. Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with Parents Trouble Spot - Grandparents do not communicate well with parents or do not lead family communication Remedy – Be the positive communication center of the family – listen as well as talk, and call family members just to connect

17. Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with Parents Trouble Spot – Lack of listening to parents of grandchildren Remedy – Work on being kind, understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental and supportive – sometimes your love is more important than your lessons, though both are important

18. Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with Parents Trouble Spot – Being “out of touch” with today’s society Remedy – Spend time with all family members; learn some things about technology and communication; share things from your generation versus today’s generation

19. Trouble Spots and Remedies with Grandchildren Trouble Spot - Staying a parent and not becoming a grandparent Remedy - Understand the differences between what parents and grandparents do Trouble Spot - Lack of one-on-one time Remedy - Understand the strong need grandchildren have for unconditional love and allow time for this to happen Trouble Spot - Worrying about entertaining a grandchild Remedy - Realize this is a spontaneous, relaxed relationship

20. Grandparenting Situations • Day-care grandparents – provide regular care but don’t live with grandkids • “Living-with” grandparents – reside together but no legal custody • Custodial grandparents – grandparent has legal responsibility for grandchild

21. Grandparenting After Parental Divorce Challenge – Maintaining relationships with grandchildren before, during and after divorce. • Most children have strong feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger • Be - “A safe harbor in a storm” • Special challenge to grandparents to avoid making negative comments about either parent • Give “everyday” and extra attention

22. Ways to Help Your Grandchildren Through Divorce • Don’t disparage your ex-son- or daughter-in-law in front of your grandchildren • Remember holidays • Be a good listener • Become the unbiased, nonjudgmental confidante children need in a loving authority because most children have strong feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger • Let your grandchildren know whatever they are feeling is OK • Tell your grandchildren stories about challenges you have faced and overcome in your life • Read together during a quiet time before they go to bed or in between activities during the day

23. Grandparent and Caretaker Visitation Rights • May find themselves without any legal right to maintain contact with the children they love • All 50 states have some type of “grandparent visitation” statute • Some states have “restrictive” visitation statutes • Might consider requesting a mediation session with the children’s parents • In most areas, courts give grandparents the right to reasonable visitation with grandchildren

24. Grandparenting Stepgrandchildren • Remember HIS, HERS, THEIRS – “They’re all mine now” • These children already have a history • These children already may have grandparents • You need to blend with both their history and existing family – as best as possible • Also, seek to create your own special space and BE FAIR.

25. Grandparenting at a Distance • Contact, contact, contact • Letter writing and e-mail • Instant messaging and webcam • Send newspaper clippings, cartoons, jokes • Communicate by phone, audio/video tapes • Send a photo of yourself – T-shirt, hat or other item linked with you • Know the names of their friends, school, teammates • Cell phone, text messages, etc.

26. Grandparents Raising Grandchildren • Grandparent families are particularly vulnerable to challenges in keeping their grandchildren safe and meeting their basic needs. • Though their needs are serious and unique, few programs assist intergenerational families. • Grandparent caregivers may fall between the cracks of foster care, aging, education and disability service systems.

27. Reasons for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren The U.S. government estimates up to 2.5 million children are under the care of a grandparent. Why? • substance abuse • child abuse and neglect • teenage pregnancy • death of parent • parental unemployment • parental divorce or abandonment • AIDS/HIV • incarceration

28. Grandparent Support Groups • Share coping strategies • Manage feelings such as anger, guilt • Find encouragement and strength • Exchange ideas and resources • Improve problem solving • Learn to laugh again

29. Your Circle of Support – Group Activity Consider the people on whom you can rely. Draw a “Circle of Support” – a list of people you can count on to help in certain situations. Start with a bull’s-eye – in the middle would be the child/the family. The next circle – contains the list of people we can count on in an emergency (e.g., other family members, closest friends, etc.). Next circle – list “occasional helpers” (e.g., neighbors, favorite baby sitters, the child’s friends’ families, others in the support group). Last circle – consists of outside resources, (e.g., agencies, schools, support services, etc.).

30. Giving to the Next Generation Erik Erikson, a famous psychologist, taught that the most important task of adulthood is generativity – the task of giving of yourself to the next generation. • What are you giving? • What are you giving to your grandchildren?

31. Eight Best Giftsfor Grandchildren 1. Spend time one-on-one with grandchildren. 2. Listen for their concerns as well as their joys. 3. Send special letters and notes just for them. 4. Offer companionship for activities they enjoy.

32. Eight Best Giftsfor Grandchildren 5. Share your history and family traditions. 6. Be a role model to show grandchildren that older people can be fun. 7. Show grandchildren acceptance just as they are while encouraging them to reach their potential. 8. Give the best gift of all — love.

33. Final Discussion Points • Share a memory you have of time spent with your grandparent. • If you have grandchildren, share an activity you like to do with them.