Parenting and Personal Development (Part 1)

1. PARENTING AND PERSONALDEVELOPMENT BY MICHAEL SALL (PART1) Since parenting is usually learned through OJT (On the Job Training) I thought some advice drawn from my experience might help those of you who are about to begin what often proves to be the most rewarding phase of your life. My mother used to say that as a parent, no matter what you do, you are wrong. Although it was bit of an overstatement, you will make lots of mistakes. Perfection is not achievable, but getting the basics right is, and that is 95% of thejob. For those who ask what qualifies me to speak on this subject, the answer is very little. I have experience raising three wonderful girls, but along the way I made some horrific mistakes. I was an alcoholic for my first 11 years as a father, and I was a party to a failed marriage, hardly good examples. But from these and other mistakes too numerous to count, I did learn a few things, and I may help others avoid some of those errors. As the job of parenting became more important to me, I worked on it, observing and thinking about the issues and problems related to doing it right. The one overwhelming advantage I had apart from my own good upbringing is that I loved every second of the process. Although a wide range of emotions accompanied the time I spent with my children, they never failed to bring me joy. I took every opportunity to hang out with them, even if much of the time was in my roles as their Sherpa andchauffeur. Frederick Douglass said it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. This is not a repair manual. If you screwed up badly, see Dr. Phil. I know no more about how to redirect a misguided child than how to make gold from lead. I can only suggest you apply the ideas outlined here, however belatedly, and then pray. For those of you who do it right from the beginning, there is a high probability you will have a psychologically and physically fit child, and hopefully you will enjoy a healthy lifelong relationship with him. Unfortunately, even if everything you do is correct, there are no guarantees. This is a complex, serious process, and things can go wrong, verywrong. It is far more difficult to express love through denial than giving, and so tough love is difficult on everyone. But if a child is using drugs, or as a young adult refuses to take responsibility for himself, it is incumbent on the parent to deny him any financial or material support. People will resist change until something dramatic demands it, and your child is no exception. Support for bad habits only perpetuates them. There is no guarantee that things will change if you follow this advice, but there is a near guarantee nothing will if youdon’t. If the most important three things in real estate are location, location, and location, then the three most important things in parenting are love, love, and love. For those who don’t know, the act of loving is self-serving. Being loved is hardly as fulfilling as giving love, which fills us with a richness that words can’t describe. Therefore, for most of us, loving our child is as easy as it is indispensable. The importance here can’t be overstated. A consistent, unqualified love is vital to a child’s sense of security, their comfort in their own skin, and it serves as an example of how they can givelove. Of course love by itself is not enough. Everyone has a different idea on how to express love, and although giving it does wonderful things, it will not shape a child’s entire being. Parents who love their child but believe in such nonsense as “spare the rod and spoil the child” or other seriously misguided ideas, run the risk of raising a confused, conflicted child withbizarre

2. behavior. Parents who love their child but believe they can delegate too much time with them to others, be it with nannies, psychologists or schools, are playing with fire. Nothing guarantees success or failure, but intimate parental involvement in a child’s life certainly improves the odds. Those of you who believe you can spend lesser amounts of time with your child if it is “quality time,” are mistaken. There is quality time, and it is very valuable, but it can’t be manufactured. It just happens. Special situations arise where there is an emotional outreach and a bonding which cements a timeless love. Whenever those moments occur, it is important that you be there. The problem is no one can predict when they will happen. The answer is to invest the time. Stay married if at all possible. When a child is brought up by a single parent, that child’s future welfare is seriously at risk. If you were an athlete I might advise you that if possible, avoid amputating your arm. You could still play most sports without it, but you will perform better with it. If your marriage has gangrene (as in an abusive or drug dependent spouse), cutting the appendage off may be the only reasonable decision, but make sure that is the case before you do it. My marriage died many years before I divorced. My dilemma was whether the children were worse off if I left early on, or by their witnessing a loveless marriage on a daily basis. It was a lose situation. With the benefit of hindsight I realize staying was the lesser of two evils. My wife and my failure to show love for one another hurt, but the children’s interaction with both of us on a daily basis provided many benefits that neither of us ever could have providedindividually. If you must divorce, maintain a civil relationship with your ex, however difficult. Anything less will be extremely painful to the children, and increases the risk of aberrant behavior. Whatever you ex’s faults are, telling your children about them is unnecessary (they will eventually see for themselves) and harmful. Don’t try to “win” them over to your side of a dispute. You can point to an ex’s seriously destructive behavior, such as abusive drinking, but it should be limited to such things and must always be done in a respectful manner. Certainly your love for your children is far more important than any ill feelings you might have towards yourex. For those of you who think I am exaggerating, consider this. Crime, incarceration, drug use, and teen pregnancy are all higher among black teens than white teens, and black reading and math achievement levels are lower. However, if you adjust for single parenthood, meaning you only look at those children brought up by two parents, there is no significant difference in these groups. Of course there are endless successful examples of great children being raised in a single parent household, but it is just moredifficult. There must be a hundred clichés making the same point. “The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree,” “They all become their mothers,” or “Children get their politics and religion from their parents.” Every religion and every culture says something similar, and it is all true. Experience is by far the most powerful teaching tool. Children learn from what they experience, and what they see is an important part of that. In large part they become what they see, and you, the parent are most of what they see. So you had better get your act together. Your child will, in one way or another grow into a version ofyou. “Practice what I preach, not what I do,” has to be one of the dumbest statements of all time. Whatyoutellyourchildcarriesverylittleweight.Infactitisalmostmeaninglesswhen

3. compared with what he sees you do. Children learn by example, not by words describing things about which they have no firsthand knowledge. So you better do the right thing, not just say it. Your every emotion, every action, is on display every day, and your every act of kindness and ugliness registers. We all want to believe that we rejected the garbage from our own parents, as you hope your kids will mimic your strong characteristics and reject your weaknesses. Maybe they will, but it would be better if they see more of the “good” and less of the“bad.” The bad news is that this means that if you are a drug addict, a slob, short-tempered, or of any other disreputable nature, those very things (or a perversion of them) are likely to pass on to your children. The good news is that if you are kind and compassionate, that too is likely to pass on. The better news is that whether you are a sinner or saint, you can improve. And the very best news is that if you decide to change, the huge rewards for your child will seem small by comparison to the riches that accrue to you. So if you love them, let that love motivate you to become a better person, for everyone's sake. My children certainly made a better man of me. Once I realized how much my example influenced them, I began to reassess my behavior. Many times when faced with a choice where I might well have taken the low road, I elected to take the high one for their sake, or so I thought. I am certainly not perfect, but there were very real personal improvements. The high road may be more difficult, but it pays dividends forever. What was initiated with the children in mind, has profited and enriched my entire lifeimmeasurably. Therefore, when making personal choices, be mindful that you are choosing for everyone. It is the same as a pregnant woman taking drugs. She is taking them for two. A parent who acts out is acting out for himself and all of his children. This applies to everything, large and small. Be rude to a clerk, the child will notice. Cheat at anything and he will be comfortable making the same choice for himself. Lie to anyone for any reason, and it will make him think lying is just fine. Don’t get caught up in trying to explain why you lied or cheated. It will help nothing. And don’t be surprised when he lies to you. The health problems from second hand smoke are trivial when compared to the damage done by a child smoking himself, and there is a far greater likelihood he will smoke if he sees you doing it. Also, do not delude yourself into believing you can hide your smoking, or act one way in front of a child and another when he is not there. You might hide certain things, but your core, your character, the real you, somehow always comes through. The only option is to improve that real you.