Choices in Relationships

1. Choices in Relationships Chapter Fifteen: Divorce

2. Divorce: Legal Decree and Rates in the United States • Divorce Rates • Regardless of how one measures the rate of divorce in the United States, “divorce rates have been stable or dropping for two decades.”

3. Macro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Increased Economic Independence of Women • Finding gainful employment outside the home made it possible for the wife to afford to leave her husband if she wanted to. • Changing Family Functions and Structure • Many of the protective, religious, educational, and recreational functions of the family have largely been taken over by outside agencies.

4. Macro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Liberalized Divorce Laws • All states now recognize some form of no-fault divorce. • Fewer Moral and Religious Sanctions • Increasingly, marriage is viewed in secular rather than religious terms. • Hence, divorce has become more acceptable.

5. Macro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Starter Marriages • Indeed, the label of “starter” suggests something temporary, like a starter house from which the owners will eventually move. • More Divorce Models • The less deviant the person perceives divorce to be, the greater the probability the person will divorce if that person’s own marriage becomes strained.

6. Macro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Mobility and Anonymity • Divorce thrives when pro-marriage social expectations are not operative. • Individualistic Cultural Goal of Happiness • Unlike familistic values in Asian cultures, individualistic values in American culture emphasize the goal of personal happiness in marriage.

7. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Loss of Love • Couples who no longer viewed themselves as being in love are much more likely to divorce than those who have other issues. • Negative Behavior • When a spouse’s negative behavior continues to the point of creating more costs than rewards in the relationship, either partner may begin to seek a more reinforcing situation.

8. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills • Without skills to resolve conflict in their relationships, partners drift into patterns of communication that may escalate rather than resolve conflict. • Value Changes • Because people change throughout their lives, the person that one selects at one point in life may not be the same partner one would select at another.

9. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Satiation • Satiation, also referred to as habituation, refers to the state in which a stimulus loses its value with repeated exposure. • Extramarital Relationship • Extramarital involvements sometimes hurry a decaying marriage toward divorce because the partner begins to contrast the new lover with the spouse.

10. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Perception That Being Divorced Is Better Than Being Married • Two-thirds of the applications for divorce are filed by women. • Their behavior is rational and is based on the fact that they achieve greater power over their own life, money, and greater control over their children.

11. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce • Top Twenty Factors Associated with Divorce 1. Courtship of less than two years 2. Having little in common 3. Marrying in teens 4. Not being religiously devout • Differences in race, education, age, religion, social class, values 6. A cohabitation history

12. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce 7. Previous marriage 8. No children 9. Spending little leisure time together 10. Urban residence 11. Infidelity and ambivalence about marriage 12. Divorced parents or parents who never married and never lived together 13. Poor communication skills

13. Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce 14. Unemployment of husband 15. Employment of wife 16. Depression, alcoholism, or physical illness of spouse 17. Having seriously ill child 18. Low self-esteem of spouses 19. Race 20. Limited education

14. Consequences for Spouses Who Divorce • Physical, Emotional, Psychological, and Sexual Consequences • A comparison of married and unmarrieds reveals that the divorced report being the least healthy and happy and the most depressed and suicidal. • Financial Consequences • Both women and men experience a drop in income following divorce, but women may suffer more.

15. Consequences for Spouses Who Divorce • Fathers’ Separation from Children • Most divorced fathers separated from their children feel a sense of loss and believe that the courts have little interest in protecting their relationship with their children. • Shared Parenting Dysfunction • Shared parenting dysfunction refers to the set of behaviors on the part of each parent that are focused on hurting the other parent and are counterproductive for the child’s well-being.

16. Consequences for Spouses Who Divorce • Parental Alienation Syndrome • Parental alienation syndrome is a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with deprecation and/or criticism of a parent, denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated

17. Effects of Divorce on Children • Minimizing Negative Effects of Divorce on Children 1. Healthy parental psychological functioning. 2. A cooperative relationship between the parents. 3. Parents’ attention to the children and allowing them to grieve. 4. Encouragement to see noncustodial parent. 5. Attention from the noncustodial parent.

18. Conditions of a “Successful” Divorce 1. Mediate rather than litigate the divorce. 2. Coparent with your ex-spouse. 3. Take some responsibility for the divorce. 4. Learn from the divorce. 5. Create positive thoughts. 6. Avoid alcohol and other drugs.

19. Conditions of a “Successful” Divorce 7. Relax without drugs. 8. Engage in aerobic exercise. 9. Engage in fun activities. 10. Continue interpersonal connections. 11. Let go of your anger for the ex-partner. 12. Allow time to heal.

20. Alternatives to Divorce • Annulment • An annulment returns the spouses to their premarital status. • Separation • There are two types of separation—formal and informal. • Desertion • Desertion differs from informal separation in that the deserter walks out and breaks off all contact.

21. Divorce Prevention • Covenant marriage • Marriage preparation • Full disclosure of all information that could reasonably affect the partner’s decision to marry • An oath that their marriage is a lifelong commitment • An agreement to consider divorce only for “serious” reasons such as abuse, adultery, and imprisonment on a felony or separation of more than two years • An agreement to see a marriage counselor if problems threaten the marriage