Working with Children in Transition House & Counselling Settings

1. Working with Children in Transition House &CounsellingSettings Renee-Claude Carriere, KausheesPlace: WhitehorseShelly Bonnah & Allan Wade, Centre for Response-Based Practice

2. 1 in 10 children under the age of 18 have witnessed • a family assault in the past 12 months and 1 in 5 have • witnessed a family assault at some point in their lifetime. • Victims of Crime Org/2013

3. « Supportingmothersto bemothers » Ability to Protect…

4. It Just MakesSense “Working with children together with their mothers just naturally seemed like the right thing to do. For a time, there was push to take kids aside, to interview them and to do programming with them apart from their mothers. Working in a transition home, I saw that as not productive. I was not comfortable with that way of working. Many of the women I had worked with had had their children apprehended. For many of our First Nations clients in particular, if I was to take their children aside, I could be seen as a child protection worker, as a threat. I did not see that as productive.”

5. “Where we begin to break the so-called inter-generational cycle of violence is where we help children see their mother as a good mother, as a mother who protected them.”

6. Whywework the waywe do • Men who use violence often aim to invalidate the woman as a mother and damage the mother-child bond, both during the relationship and often long after separation. • In this context, it is especially important to respect and restore the relationship between mothers and children. • This principle is central to the work at Kaushee’s Place. • Wife-assault is “parental alienation”.

7. Supportingthem, Together Many women, especially First Nations women, have had their children apprehended, or were themselves apprehended as children. The threat of Ministry involvement is ever-present in their relationships with their children, and in their communities. In this context, separating the women and children can create fear and doubt. The transition house worker can begin to look like a child protection worker. This is not productive.

8. 30 days… • In transition houses we have only 30 days to work with mothers and children. • It’s usually more beneficial to spend time with women and children together, work with the conversations that come up naturally, and use the opportunity to support the women as mothers.

9. Shopping trips • I found that when I hung out with moms and kids, on shopping trips and car rides, they would open up and talk a lot about important concerns. • I saw that helping children see their moms as good and strong individuals, as someone who protected them, not as someone who failed to protect them. • The more we hang out and have conversations, the more I can point out: “Your Mom’s not lazy” and “Look how hard she works”. • They are often very small and subtle comments, but very helpful for children and mothers. Children start to see that their mother works hard, is not stupid and does love them.

10. Shifting the message • This iswhereResponse-Basedideas came in handy. Wewere alreadytrying to change the messages the childrenwerehearing, and talking to other service providers about whythatwas important. Children werehearingtheirmothersbeingblamed and theywereveryconfused. • Say whatyousee, spell out the good things, in front of the child, the positive things the momdoes to keephimsafe and how she’s a good & hard workingmom.

11. Children canbegin to seethat the thingsDadwassayingwere not true. • Wecan go further to work on the confusion and I wouldsay: YesmaybewhatDadsaid about Momisn’ttrue. It’sOkay to bemad at Dad for that and youcanstill love him. • Childenmayfightthese positive statements, but time and continuedreinforcementwill help, and using more subtlewayslikedirecting the commentstoward the momcanbeuseful.

12. Gentlystir • You cannot push praise on the mother or challenge the children’s feelings. • But youcangently and almostimperceptiblyprovideanotherview;anotherway to understand and thereforeanotherway to feel.

13. Weprotectedeachother Having conversations withmothers and children about incidents and the waytheyrespondedwillallowthem to see the way: • Theyalwayshadeachother’s back • Theyprotectedeachother • Theyalwayshadeachotherinterests at heart • Herchildrenwereprotectingher • Theirmotherdid not fail to protectthem

14. Worst time in your life Momstill has a lot to deal with: • Separation • Custody • Housing • Health issue • Grief It’s not time to teach or givetools, but to be an ally and strategizewithher.

15. Creating an environmentto support the mother-childrelationship • Workingwithmom and child • Not separatingmom and childduringcrisis mode • Honour time whenmom and childneed to talk about whathappened and how eachresponded • Honour how they work as a team to keep each other safe.

16. Parenting at time of crisis • Reframingperspective on mother’sparentingskillsduringcrisisby: • Identify how hard-workingsheis and has been managing a terrible situation • How shepushed back violence and minimizedit’s impacts • By speaking about how sheresponded and resisted to the violence, shewillsee all the wayshewas abusive and shewill stop second-guessingherassessement of the situation.

17. Parenting in safety • Have a conversation of whatparenting looks likewhenyou are safe • How itcanbedifferentthanwhenyoufight to keepyourchild and yourselfsafe • How childrenmaystart acting likechildren and beloud, rowdy and playful. • How theymayact out as theystart to feelsafe.

18. Children and response-based • Children respondwell to the Response-Basedapproachbecauseitisconcrete. • Askthemwhattheydid, and theywill tell you the stories of how theyprotectedtheir siblings, theirmom and themselves. • This will help to identifyand outline all the ways in whicheachmemberof the familyrespond to violence and workedto minimize the danger and upholddignity.

19. Safety planning withchildren You didjustthat… • Whenyouaskedthemwhattheydid • Whentheytoldyou how theyprotectedtheir siblings, theirmom and themselves • All the waystheyresponded and resisted to violence

20. Joce Example

21. Universal Abilities to Respond & Resist Violence • Nathan’s Story

22. Nathan’s Story (Age: 10 yrs) Mom, dad, Sarah and me lived in a house all together for 3 years… What was that like? I used to hide in my room a lot. Sarah would come running in and hide under my bed. What did you do when she would come running into your room? After the first 10 times I got used to it, so it was nothing new. I also hid under the bed sometimes. Why do you think she came into your room?

23. Sarah did have her own room, but she didn’t like hiding in it. If she wanted me to when she was under my bed, then I triple sealed my door… Triple sealed your door… How did you do that? I got pillows and duct tape. I put duct tape on the top and bottom so no one could open the door…to keep dad out. Then I put 3 pillows on all the sides of the door to keep out the noise. The only time we could hear was when they were really yelling…Those times I would play my video games really, really loud…. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of anything so smart before to keep out noise and protect a sister… Ya…no one could get in unless they had a knife.

24. Hmmm. I play video games. It makes me content so I don’t …so I don’t go out there and separate them. How did you learn that it’s a better idea to keep yourself as content as possible, rather than go out there and separate them? I’ve tried to separate them. To defend mom would be suicide. Everytime I tried I got red marks. Sometimes he wears his boots…he would kick me or slap me. Once he smacked me so hard the red marks didn’t go away for a week. I didn’t do anything for that…I didn’t deserve it. …Sounds like you have tried to defend your mom, yourself and Sarah. Sometimes it works but sometimes it really doesn’t. What else do you do?

25. One time me, mom and Sarah all hid in mom’s room and locked the door. We watched Mario brothers. We were going to have a Christmas party, but he phoned everybody so that they didn’t come to our party. I showed mom how to barricade the door. Sarah cries and hides when she is scared. I usually be quiet to Gino [dad] because he would slap me if I said something to him.

26. Do you want to keep talking about this? Like where you were when everything happened? I came to the balcony while they were by the van. I yelled “Mom” when she got pushed down. Tears were coming down my face. I knew it wouldn’t stop things. I knew that for a fact. I wouldn’t expect him to stop because I yelled. It was kind of obvious that this would happen. What did you do then? I stayed and watched the rest. He drove away with Sarah and my mom was lying on the ground crying and then she looked up and saw me there.

27. Then what happened? Mom came in and talked to me. I tried to support her. I said “Everything will be alright” and she said “No. everything won’t be alright”.

28. Responding to Social Responses Justin’s Story

29. Amanda Todd: ‘Bullying’ is not an accurate description

31. Obscuring Violence With Language

32. Fit the Word to the Deed… • Conflict • Teasing • Bullying • Harassment • Abuse • Violence • Extortion • Stalking • Blackmail • Rape

33. Nicki Weld & Maggie Greening (in Turnell & Essex) Good things Worries Dreams 3 houses. . . and a rickety response-based shed (Wade, 2010).

34. Karin (15) Carolina: Can I ask in those situations when you were scared and felt like something was wrong, did you feel like you could do something then? Karin: No, that was the thing. I was so little and had so many feelings. Sometimes I could say to daddy, please dad please be quiet, don’t be bothered by what mummy says. I played along with him for a while and played along with him and thought this will help and pretended that mummy was the one who was sick. So I said that if you could only be quiet don’t be bothered by what she is saying you know she is wrong (pause) so be quiet and go outside and be angry.

35. Lotta(9) Margareta: Have things been okay at home? Lotta: Yes, but then yesterday mum and dad started fighting about something, but I just closed my ears. Margareta: What do you do when you close your ears? Do you use something to put in your ears? Lotta: No, I try not to care or try to talk to them about something else. Then I listen to really loud music so they’ll get angry at me instead.

36. What joint and individual capacities are revealed in mothers’ and children’s responses to violence? How can we work to honour these capacities in the course of our daily work? How do we acknowledge mother’s ability to protect their children?