Dating: Round 2 Take out a piece of loose-leaf. I will ask you questions during the presentation.
First Dates • When looking for suitable dates you may run into issues if you are dating people you have just met or who you have not known for a long time. • What should we focus on? • What are the issues? • What problems might this cause?
Question #1 • What factors do you focus on when you meet someone for the first time? What traits (physical, character, or emotional) attract you to someone initially?
First Dates • Back to attraction …. • We generally focus on three factors when we meet someone we may potentially want to date: • Physical Attractiveness • Behavior • Interactional Behavior
Physical Attractiveness • Judging people by their looks • Tells you NOTHING about the person • Example: Theresa and Donny meet at the supermarket. They begin talking and really enjoy the conversation, but Theresa gets turned off by his sloppy clothes. She decides not to accept an invitation to get together based on his attire. Donny had been working out in the yard and had run out of weed killer. He didn’t want to waste time, so without changing his clothes, he ran down to the store to buy some. His “normal” attire might have been quite different, but Theresa judged him on that first impression.
Question #2 • Think of a time when you were judged or you judged someone based on physical appearance. Write down what happened. If you can’t think of a personal experience you may use another person’s experience you have witnessed.
Behavior • Sometime when you first meet a person they talk too much, act stand-offish or phony or try too hard to satisfy someone else’s needs. • This may not be their typical behavior. They may just be acting out of nervousness or fear of rejection. • Example: Lisa and Marty meet at a friends house. Lisa is very attracted to Marty, but he appears to be down. She decides not to pursue it because she doesn't’ like to be around negative or moody people. Marty’s dog just died. He didn't tell her because he was afraid he would start to cry so he tried to act natural. Lisa misses out on getting to know a warm sensitive person who just happened to be upset and depressed when she met him.
Question #3 • Have you ever made or experienced a bad first impression? Give an example.
Interactional Behavior • Example: Kim is talking with the cute boy standing behind her in the lunch line. He is accidentally pushed and spills his soda on her. He doesn’t realize that he spilled it on her, so naturally he doesn’t apologize. • Does Kim rule him out because he is rude and insensitive? She might. But can you see that she might miss out on getting to know a really worthwhile person?
Question #4 • Have you ever ruled someone out based on one incident with them? Give an example.
Stereotyping and Generalizing • First impressions can lead to overgeneralizations • Race, religious stereotypes affect our judgement • What are some issues with judging people based on first encounters? • Putting up a good front to impress someone • We see what we want to see • Focusing on one positive or negative (assume person is good or bad based on that)
Example of different viewpoints • Most men in Canada wouldn’t usually kiss another man on the on both cheeks when they meet each other. You may assume those men are gay. In parts of Europe that practice is customary. • You may be uncomfortable if introduced to someone who talked to you only inches from your face. In some Arabic countries this is customary. • In both of these cases your assessment of the situation would be based on mental stereotypes or a single misleading experience.
Therefore … • It is possible to make inaccurate evaluations of people you just meet and it is best to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Terminating the Encounter • If you feel comfortable you’ve made an accurate assessment of a person, you may choose to terminate the initial encounter. • Reasons: • No physical attraction • Behavior too negative, regardless of the reason. • Not going anywhere or in a bad direction. • Never feel you have to pursue the encounter just to make someone else happy or to avoid hurting their feelings. • It is better to be open and honest than to start making up lies that may cause problems down the road.
Terminating the Encounter • Because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean that the other person will share your feelings. • If the person doesn’t share you feelings there is nothing wrong with you. • Nobody likes everyone they meet and you are not attracted to everyone you are introduced to. • Don’t expect someone to like you just because you like them.
Terminating the Encounter • This doesn’t mean you are any less worthwhile • Sooner of later the chemistry will be right and you’ll connect with someone who thinks you are a very special person.
… Ending Steady Dating Relationships • When a steady dating relationship ends, as it often does, the pain of rejection can be great. • Rarely do relationships end with both partners mutually deciding to terminate. • It is not unusual for one partner to have a great commitment or stronger emotional attachment. • Relationships are rarely balanced.
Breaking Up • Too often, people remain in relationships that are full of disagreement and conflict, or maybe the partners have just outgrown one another. • It may be time to step aside and reevaluate your commitment. • Generally one usually find him or herself in the role of rejecter.
Breaking Up • We generally feel sorry for the person being rejected, but in reality it is often equally as painful and sometimes even more so for the partner who is making the break. • No one wants to deliberately hurt someone else—especially someone you have cared deeply about.
Breaking Up • During your teen years, you may occasionally find yourself on one side or the other of a dying relationship. • If you believe the relationship is over or that it is unproductive to remain in the situation, you have to find a way to end it. • If you are certain, there are several things you can do. (WRITE THESE DOWN FOR NOTES PLEASE)
First and foremost … • IF IT IS AN ABUSIVE SITUATION—PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY—YOU OWE YOUR PARTNER NO CONSIDERATION … JUST QUICKLY GET OUT AND MAKE SURE YOU STAY OUT!!
Breaking Up • Be prepared for hurt feelings • No matter how you say it, it is going to hurt. • Be honest • If there is a specific reason, or something that has displeased you, share that. You might be doing the person a favor—helping them correct a personal flaw or inappropriate behavior. • Be kind • Think about how you would want to be treated in the same situation • Don’t let yourself be talked back into it • Not if you really want it to be over. Try to remember the bad times to make sure you stick to your guns. Don’t say “we can still see each other occasionally” if that is not what you want.
Breaking Up • Don’t blame yourself or your partner either • People’s needs change especially when you’re young. • Consider timing • Don’t put it off but consider an appropriate time. • Try and stay friends, if possible • Unless you partner has been really cruel or abusive, you might want to keep him or her as a friend. This may be difficult during the healing process, but don’t close the door. After all, you once were good friends.
Question #5 • Give an example of a movie that you have seen that goes through a break-up. (Don’t everybody choose the movie “The Breakup”). Explain the synopsis of the movie and what ends up happening to this couple in the end. What mistakes do they make during their relationship and their break-up? What do they do right?
Dealing with Rejection • Any kind of rejection tends to rattle our feelings of worth. This is a time when self-esteem can falter. • Remember that not fitting another person’s ideal or not living up to another’s expectations does not mean, in any way, that you are bad and worthless.
Dealing with Rejection • How does rejection affect us? • No two people will have the exact same response • People may experience pain, depression, sadness • People may feel helpless, fearful, angry, guilty, irritable, restless • People may experience loss of concentration, motivation or energy, or changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
Healing • There are three stages that we generally go through on our way to recovering from a loss of love. • All of them are perfectly natural. • Take down these 3 stages in your notes.
Stage 1: Shock and Denial • At first we may refuse to believe that the relationship is over. We may fantasize that he or she will be back. We may still make plans that include that person. It would be a mistake, though, to try to continue a relationship that is obviously over. It would be a waste of valuable energy and more than likely, it would also be extremely painful. • You might make a pact with a friend that if you get the urge to contact him or her, you call the friend first to discuss it. • Have any of you done this before?
Stage 2: Anger and Depression • It is perfectly ok to be depressed or angry. It is even ok to be angry (for a period of time) at the person who left you. • IT IS NOT OKAY TO HATE YOURSELF OR TO ACT IN SELF-DESTRUCTIVE WAYS. • It’s not unusual to have thoughts of suicide, but you don’t have to act on them. The moment you have those thoughts or feeling you’ll never get over the pain. • REACH OUT FOR HELP RIGHT AWAY!
Dealing with Anger and Pain • Cry and yell and scream • Play a sport or work out • The sooner you allow yourself to deal with the pain, the sooner you can get on with your life.
Stage 3: Understanding and Acceptance • You may not understand immediately why the loss happened: you may never. • No one will expect you to accept the loss easily. But during this stage, you will begin to feel stronger and more independent. Your judgment will be clearer, your concentration will improve and you will start to feel more alive. You can expect to fall back, occasionally. (ie. Hearing a song on the radio that reminds you of that person, seeing them at school, etc) • Expect peaks and valleys during the healing process.
Stage 3: Understanding and Acceptance • Surviving the emotional trauma may help you discover a stronger and more independent you and maybe even a happier you. • Though many adults will try to minimize your trauma or even laugh it off as “puppy love” or infatuation, losing someone you love or even someone you think you love is painful at any age.
Final Question • How do you deal with a break up? Do you think your partners have been inconsiderate or cruel when breaking up with you? When you break up with someone, how do you handle it? How do you handle rejection? What do you do to make yourself feel better? Would you change anything based on what we have learned today? Explain. (5 marks) • All other questions worth 2 marks each.
Reference • THE DYNAMICS OF RELATIONSHIPS – PATRICIA KRAMER