Chapter 3: Love Who You Are

1. Chapter 3: Love Who You Are Dr. M. Davis-Brantley

2. Before we start I want you to: • at least five of your weaknesses • at least five things you hate about yourself • the five things in life you could not accomplish • Now rate yourself on a scale from 1(I suck) to 10 (I fantastic).

3. Next I want you to: • at least five of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity • at least five things you admire about yourself, for example the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with your brother, or your spirituality • the five greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer • at least 20 accomplishments-they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree

4. Self-Esteem • Self-Esteem is one’s perspective of themselves and the degree to which you regard yourself in a positive or negative self (Specific view of self) • Deals a great deal with how one judges and evaluates oneself and one’s abilities • Typically fluctuates from personal area to personal area • Ex: Athlete, mother, father, daughter, husband, employee, wo/man • Certain key areas help determine one’s self-esteem • Physical appearance, scholastic ability, work performance, popularity, social skills, athletic ability • The importance you place on these areas significantly influences your self-esteem • Self-Concept is one’s paradigm about oneself and can be reflected in how one describes themselves (Global view of self) • Different from Self-esteem

5. Self-esteem Videos • Dove Self-esteem campaign • Dove Campaign • Tyra Banks

6. Self-Esteem and Personal Effectiveness • One’s view of self contributes significantly to personal effectiveness • Higher self-esteem improves performance and reinforces your feeling about yourself so that you can interact in the world adequately and competently • Low Self-esteem can decrease personal effectiveness in that it breeds “negativity” • Inferiority Complex may stem from a low self-esteem in the individual maintains a self-defeating view of self • Low self-esteem leads to: • Negative Feelings • Negative Behaviors • Negative Attitudes • Do not confuse high self-esteem with being conceited • “He doth who protesteth too much”

7. Self-Worth • What is Self-worth • Self-worth is based on nothing but your right to humanity • Self-esteem is learned and developed through life experiences • Parents are the 1st people we interact with, learn self-worth, and build/not build our self-esteem • Carl Rogers • Unconditional Positive Self-Regard=Higher Self-Esteem • Conditional Positive Self-Regard=Lower Self-Esteem • Conditions of Worth • The Malevolent Attitude in which one possesses the belief that one is surrounded by enemies • The child learns that s/he will always be treated poorly and does not deserve to be treated well • What is a Pathological Critic?

8. Parenting Styles/Patterns • Parenting Style has a significant influence on child’s development • Research on parenting style was initiated by Diana Baumrind (1967) • Authoritarian Parenting—include parents who believe their word is law, not to be questioned. Children are to be seen and not heard. Misbehavior is rewarded with strict punishment (physical). Expectations are explained to the child but the child is not to interact with the communication. Parent-child communication is low. These parents are not overly showy with affection. • Permissive Parenting—includes parents who are very lasidasical with punishment and rule-setting. These parents seldom punish, guide, or control their children. They believe in being the child’s friend more so than a parent. They are very nurturing and accepting. • Permissive-indifferent • Permissive-indulgent • Authoritative Parenting—includes parents who set limits and provide guidance for their children but are willing to listen to the child’s ideas and make compromises. Parent-child communication is very high. They see their children as mature and able to make decisions and expect them to do so.

9. Parenting Styles Continued • Research about the parenting styles suggests • Authoritarian parents raise children who are likely to be conscientious, obedient, and quiet; however, the children are not necessarily happy. The more likely to feel guilty, internalize their frustrations, blame themselves, and may rebel later on • Permissive parents raise children who are likely to be even less happy and lack self-control, especially in relationships. They may possess inadequate emotional regulation, which makes them immature • Authoritative parents raise children who are likely to be successful, articulate, intelligent, happy, and generous.

10. How to boost your self-esteem • Uncover and address irrational beliefs • Overcoming the “tyranny of the shoulds” • Shoulds are a result of parental, cultural, and peer expectations and your need to feel like you belong and feel good about yourself • This is a maladaptive belief is the belief in the absolute nature of the world and an expectation of an unbending sense of right and wrong • If you don’t live up to your should, you may judge yourself and see yourself as bad • Eliminating Cognitive Distortions • Utilize cognitive reframing to eliminate the distortions • Reframing mistakes • Instead of criticizing yourself when you make a mistake, utilize cognitive reframing to see those mistakes as • Natural part of life • Learning experience • Feedback on how to improve later