Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with Adults

Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with Adults Michele Aluoch River of Life Professional Counseling LC c. 2013

Who am I?Rosenberger, E. W. (2011) • What do I want out of life? • Where am I going? • How will I know when I get there? • What resources do I need to feel fulfilled? • Goal of therapy: seeking to recreate what is considered “good” in relationships, seeking to foster what is “healthy”- use camera check method

Who am I?:Developing Self Awareness • Personality qualities, hobbies and interests • Experiences in life • Beliefs and values • Put each on a sheet and pick out of shoebox. Can you guess. Then build on these to get to know each other more.

Meeting Someone: Introductions • Stand up • Look the other person in the eye • Smile • Say- Hi. I am ________ • Make some comments about activity

A Help Wanted Ad Friend Wanted! • Age: • Type of relationship: • Qualities: • Behaviors: • Expectations:

Exercises: Introducing Yourself • You see a new colleague starting at your department in work and want to welcome him. • You find out from one of your neighbors that a new couple moved in three houses down from you. • There are some new students in your college class. You are told you will have to do a group project next quarter. Better start getting to know who’s who now.

Five Key Questions: Couples TherapyMadden, M. (2005) • “How did you get the courage to talk to a stranger aboutyour relationship?” • “Do you think the problems In the relationship are more todo with things inside or things outside the relationship?” • “What do you notice about other relationships that is likeor unlike your own?” • “If your relationship does improve, which of you will bemore likely to have changed?” • “Did you learn anything in your own family that has helpedor hindered you in this relationship?”

Healthy Marriages- Qualities(Carlson, & Dinkmeyer, 1991,Dinkmeyer & Carson, 1984) • 1. Making the relationship a priority • 2. Communicating regularly • 3 Practicing encouragement • 4. Having marriage meetings and choices • 5. Setting up negotiations, rules, and conflict resolution • 6. Having regular fun • 7. Emotional and psychological intimacy

Dealing With Outside People

Family of OriginCook, J.M., & Poulsen, S.S. (2011) • Photographs with genogram • Patterns • Visuals • Goals: • Improve insight • Decrease emotional reactivity • Reduce dysfunction • Address various angles of the narrative

Family of OriginCook, J.M., & Poulsen, S.S. (2011) • From planned cognitions to here and now reactions • Experiencing the photographs again

Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table(Smith, R. L., 2006, p.81-82) • 1. Sit down together and list all the people who are seated at your marriage table, those who play a role in your life.2. When you have created your joint list, take some time individually to place the names around your table. On separate sheets of paper, draw a big rectangular shape, representing your table. Place you and your partner at the center. Then, spreading out from each side, write the names from your list, as if you were making place cards for your table.3. Share your results. How do your seating plans at the marriage table differ? Talk about your reasons for seating people where you did. Are there people who don’t belong at your marriage table at all? Be honest about describing the roles others will play in your lives.

Exercise: Set Your Marriage Table (Continued) • 4. Take a third sheet of a paper, and draw a new rectangular shape. This will be the tale you set together. Take plenty of time naming your final seating arrangements at the marriage table. You may want to work on it over the course of a week or two, until you’re both satisfied. Keep in mind that your Marriage Table seating plan isn’t permanent. You can-and should-reset it as your lives evolve and change. (Births, deaths, new friends, job changes, etc.)5. Establish a date once a year (not your anniversary, New Year’s Day, or other significant dates) when you will review the place cards and rest your Marriage Table. Choose a time when you are both not charged or depleted from other events.

Cognitive Behavioral Methods • Cognitive- Behavioral TherapiesIdentifying/challenging toxic thought patterns* Individually* RelationallyIdentifying behavioral goals

Challenging Thought Patterns • Shoulds • “Why?” • “if only ____, then _____” • Have tos • _____ “enough” • Absolutes: always/never • Right/wrong • Good/bad _____

Thinking Error Types 1) Awfulizing/Catastrophizing- Predicting only negative outcomes for the future: “ ____ is awful, terrible, catastrophic or as bad as it could possibly be”, “If ___ happens my life is over.” 2) Disqualifying/Discounting- Overlooking the positive and only seeing the negative, believing that good things don’t count: “I am sure even when my family complimented me they had to because they are my relatives. They had to be nice.” 3) All or nothing- Viewing the situation on one end of extremes: “If my boss corrects me I must be the worst employee”, “If my child does something wrong I failed as a parent”, “If I didn’t pass one exam I am an unsuccessful student.” 4 Low Frustration Tolerance- Belief that things should not be inconvenient: “I can’t stand _____” ; “_____ is too much and is intolerable or unbearable.”

Thinking Error Types 5) Self Downing- Self deprecating thoughts: “I am no good, worthless, useless, and utter failure, beyond hope or help, devoid of value.” 6) Other downing- Derogatory beliefs about others: “You are no good, worthless, useless, an utter failure, beyond hope, of no value 7) Emotional reasoning- Letting emotions totally overrule facts to the contrary: “I feel as if everyone is talking about me.” 8) Labeling- Giving a label or stereotype without testing beliefs out:” All of them are like that.” 9) Mind reading- Trying to predict things based on limited aspects of a situation: “ I know they will think I’m poor because I can’t afford the latest clothes.”

Thinking Error Types • 10) Overgeneralization- Making broad conclusions about an event based on limited information: “My husband doesn’t love me because he is always busy when I am around.” • 11) Personalization- Assuming that others behaviors are all about you: “My wife is quiet. Something must be on her mind.” • 12) Shoulds/musts- Having an absolute concrete standard about how things ought to be: “ Successful people in life only get As in school.”

Exercise: 10 Commandments of Healthy Relationships • Beliefs regarding values in healthy relationships • Beliefs regarding communication • Beliefs regarding conflict and problem solving • Beliefs regarding decision making • Beliefs regarding his/hers roles

Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking(Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31) • IF YOU DO THESE YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM WHO • NEEDS TO CHANGE HIS/HER THINKING. • 1. Often end up arguing about something other than the original problem or issue • 2. Can’t remember why the argument started • 3. Label the other partner negatively (critical adjectives, negative personality descriptions) • 4. Feel like you can’t make the other partner understand how you feel • 5. Say things you later regret • 6. Apologize for saying something mean to your partner even though you still believe it is true • 7. Use words like “always”, “never,” and “should” when referring to your partner

Warning Signs of Toxic Thinking(Bernstein, J.- 2004, p. 31) • 8. Bring up past issues or arguments- even ones you thought were resolved- in a hostile way during current arguments • 9. Have declared certain topics “off limits” to your partner during disagreements and won’t let your partner talk about what he or she needs to resolve- it’s all about your comfort only • 10. Exaggerate or accuse others of exaggerating problems • 11. Use bad argument behavior: scream, yell, threaten, blame, name call, go in the other room and lock your spouse out • 13. Misperceptions: thinking it is always your spouse who “pushes your buttons when you really start the arguments • 14. Don’t have the skills to discuss and communicate well or problem solve so you avoid talking about problems - this actually escalates things and makes the other feel he/she is not valuable and what they need does not matter

Thought Stopping • Tell self to slow down. • “Stop, (name), stop.” • Make it a habit to pause- living in maybe/wait rather than just yes and no immediately.

Identifying The Thought Patterns Consider the following scenarios and note the irrational or distorted thoughts or areas in which thoughts have thinking errors in them that may be contributing to relationship problems.

Thought Errors • My friend is quiet today. I know it is just a matter of time before she leaves like everyone else in my life. • I never had any good interaction with one of those people. They are slow, mindless, and just want to tell stories. They do not do anything useful in their lives.

Thought Errors • It feels like everyone’s eyes are on me. I know they all think I am a loser. I see the way they look at me. • The only reason they were kind to me is because I am the new person in the neighborhood. They really think that I am the strange out of town person who does not fit in.

Thought Errors • I must be the worst mother in the world because my son got a D on his test. • I am the ugliest creature created. Look at my face. It is uneven. My head looks like an egg. I have too many pimples. And I am so red that I look like sunburnt year round.

Thought Errors • Nothing good ever happens to me, At every bend there are only negative things. I know that things will not turn out well at my job interview. • I must be good, strong, perfect to be happy with myself in life. • I have to drive this old clunker and wear thrift store clothes. People really must think I am a poor loser. I know when they see me in their neighborhood they will look down on me.

Thought Errors • There is nothing at all good about me. I just made a mistake on my test. As hard as I try how could I do that? Other people make mistakes but not me. • Some of the people in class don’t like me. It is awful, unbearable. I should not even try to show my face in school. It is miserable if people do not like you. Everyone should think you are the nice, good, fun, popular girl out there or there is not use.

Challenging Attributions 1) Am I ascribing something like “This situation happened because ______?” 2) Am I making a judgment about another person’s personality because of this event? What am I telling myself about what this means? (Because this happened, it means--- e.g he/she doesn’t love me/we are getting a divorce/we should have never gotten married)

Challenging Attributions • 3) Am I using adjectives to describe the other person’s personality, intentions rather than simply describing the behavior? (e.g. “You are always so lazy. You never care about our house.” versus “I am concerned about the amount of cleaning we still have to do. I realize we have busy tiring jobs but I am wondering how we plan to get the dishes done and get our things set up for tomorrow plus help the kids to finish their homework. How do we plan to get to divide these things up- any ideas?”) • 4) Is the way I’m thinking about this definitely 100% a fact? • 5) Is there any other way of looking at the situation? Come up with at least three exceptions. • 6) Have I assumed that because something is (perceive by me to be) such and such way that I am powerless over it?

Attributions Checking Exercise: • 1) “Every time I need something done around here it seems my spouse has something better to do. He/she would just rather do anything but spend time with me.” • 2) “My spouse and I had planned to have a romantic evening together. Now he/she is 45 minutes late getting here and I have not gotten a phone call yet. I am sure he/she is up to no good. I knew I was not the priority anyway.” • 3) “My spouse can’t stand to be around me. As soon as he/she gets home it is time to hop on the computer. Video games and internet are all he/she cares about.”

Attributions Checking Exercise: • 4) “My husband sees the laundry on the stairs and walks right over it. I know he thinks it is all my job. He doesn‘t want to help me with anything.” • 5) “My wife knows I had that big meeting today and when I got home the food wasn’t even ready and the kids were frantic. She doesn’t respect me at all and all my hard work.”

Watch Video on CEU Videos on Website: www.rolpc.org “Interpersonal Relationships: Adults and Marriage” about how to do attributions checking

Exercise: Your Marital ATM(Smith, R.L, 2006, p.128) Think about the past week. List five credits you put into your marital ATM. (For example, you cooked dinner three times and took your mother-in-law shopping without complaining). 1. 2. 3. 4 5. List five debits you took out of your marital ATM. (For example, you talked about your work problems for an hour, or you slept in while your partner fixed breakfast). 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

TASKDESCRIPTIONPOINTSWHY • How do you decide the “worth” or “value” of tasks? • How do you decide who does which tasks? • Is there any meaning you have assigned to doing or not doing a task?

Communication ConcernsOrathinal, J. & Vansteenswegen, A., 2006 • Attention/Listening (“being the most important person in your partner’s life”) Versus Privacy (withdrawing, staying in own world by self, distancing for individual hobbies and interests) • Personal space Versus Intrusion • Discrepancies regarding what physical appearance looks good • Differences of opinions about roles

Territorial Method of CounselingOrathinal, J. & Vansteenswegen, A., 2006 • Who owns the task? • What executes the task? • What can I do to get you to assist me or to change your task on ___ day? • Who loses what if the other usurps the task? • What does each consider his or her needs in the task? • What weapons does each use to try and make the other do/avoid certain tasks?

Expressing Feelings Both children and adults who express feelings: • More likeable • More intelligent • Personable and friendly • Better social development • Involves how to express, when to express, and expressing in balanced ways • Expression with dignity and restraint (e.g. anger mgmt.)

Understanding All My Feelings

I Messages • I feel ______________ when/because ___________________ and in the future I want ________________ .

Using Your Words • YOU MESSAGESI MESSAGES Blame No blame Threaten Understanding Divide each person’s Hurt point of view Focus on the Past Focus on Solutions Use Absolute terms Each person takes responsibility for his/her part I feel _________ when /because ______ and in the future I’d like __________ to happen.

Changing You Messages toI Messages You MessageI Message • “You never let me share my opinions. You always do things your way. That’s all that matters.” • “I am sure you think I just wasted my day sitting on my hind end doing nothing.” • “You need to control your emotions. You are too out of hand.”

Changing You Messages to I Messages • “We will never be able to get this done now after what you did.” • “I thought we were supposed to be a team but apparently not according to you.” • “I’ll never be your priority. All your buddies will always be more important to you than I will be.”

Exercises: I Messages • What went well? What do you hope to continue? 1) You are usually hesitant to share your own feelings on things but this time you approached your family and you felt acknowledged. 2) You saved up money for one year to be able to put a down payment on a car. People never thought you could do it because you are usually an impulsive spender.

Exercises: I Messages • 3) You have kept so busy that you generally have not eaten healthy in the past. Now with the partnership of a close friend you have both gotten on a healthy eating and exercise regimen and feel better about yourself. • 4) You never really learned healthy interactions between adults in your family of origin because dad was an alcoholic and mom was codependent. After some of your own counseling you have been able to develop prosocial skills to the point that now after some years single you are happily married with good open communication.

Listening to the Speaker(Perspective Taking) 1. Experiences- what is happening 2. Behaviors- what he or she is doing or not doing 3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied 4. Thoughts and Beliefs- internal cognitions and perceptions

Exercise: The Wise Men and the Elephant Read the story. Discuss how limiting things to our own perspective can hinder us from seeing what we need to see in a situation. Explore how incorporating many perspectives may help give a fuller picture of things? Generalize: how can this be used with situations in the client’s life?

THE COMMUNICATION GAME • 1) So are you feel _________ ? • 2) Are you feeling ________ because ___________ ? • 3) In the future you would like ________ to happen? • Get three “yes”es before moving on.

The Communication Game • Helps to correct false assumptions. • Demonstrates to that the other is worthy of being respected and heard. • Immediate • Honest • Supportive • Specific

Empathy: Putting Yourself In Someone’s Shoes • When someone tells you of an event listen to their experience, feels, thoughts, and what they wish happened. • What did they hope for? What actually happened? • What do they want from here?

Interpersonal Relationship Techniques with Adults