Principles of Parenting II: Essential Elements and Best Practices

1. Principles of Parenting II:Essential Elements and Best Practices • “Parents ought, through their own behavior and the values by which they live, to provide direction for their children. But they need to rid themselves of the idea that there are surefire methods which, when well applied, will produce certain predictable results. Whatever we do with and for our children ought to flow from our understanding of and our feelings for the particular situation and the relation we wish to exist between us and our children.” • Bruno Bettelheim Child Development Expert

2. Involvement High Low High + +/- Warmth Low - - The importance of authoritative parenting to children’s well being is one of the most consistent, well established principles in the family and social sciences; it approaches the designation of “established fact.” Parenting Styles Authoritative Permissive Coercive Disengaged

3. Elements of Authoritative Parenting Adapts to children’s individual temperaments and circumstances; fosters a positive emotional connection with children; provides regulation that places fair and consistent limits on behavior; allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making. • Love • Limits • Latitude

4. Love • Speak their Language “For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speakth unto men according to their language, unto their understanding” (2 Nephi 31:3) Common “Languages of Love”: • Touch me • Tell me • Show me • Spend Time The Intentional Family is a ritualizing family. It creates patterns of connection through everyday family rituals, seasonal celebrations, special occasions, and community involvement.”William Doherty, The Intentional Family

5. Limits “I believe that in his justice an mercy, he will give us the maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse, I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible for him to impose.” President J. Rueben Clark • Prevention: The Most Important Tool • Pour on the positive • Role plays, coaching, consulting, etc. • Sensitivity to biology, development and environment • Nudging: The Occasional Need to Correct • Personalized in number and technique • “Betimes with Sharpness” = Immediate and Clear • When moved upon by Holy Ghost • Followed by increased Love

6. Sparing the rod will spoil the child? Yes! • A shepherd guides his sheep by: • gathering them in his arms • carrying them in his bosom • gently leading them along • (Isaiah 40:11) • A shepherd’s rod is not used for beating sheep. It is used instead to: • ward off intruders • count sheep as they “pass under the rod” (Lev. 27:32; Exek. 20:37) • part the wool to examine for defects, disease, or wounds • nudge sheep gently from going in the wrong directions • protect “Thy rod and they staff they comfort me.” (Ps. 23:4) Hebrew word “rod” is also translated as “the word of God” (Micah 6:9; Isa. 11:4; 1 Nephi 15:23-34)

7. Nudging Techniques • Less Effective: • Coercion • Love withdrawal • More Effective: • Induction: a type of reasoning—immediate facts to general conclusions/consequences • Logical Consequences • Administered out of love • Logically (and naturally) connected to the action • Never remove hope; emphasize redemption/repentance (Box 8.4, pg. 129)

8. Latitude • Teach correct principles and let govern self • The teaching is an essential part! • “Why not?” • Find ways to say yes more often than no! • Rights AND Responsibilities • Developmentally appropriate participation in family functioning

9. 3-Part Evaluation Parenting Prep • Practice in present relationships “You can be grateful for challenges you currently have…they provide a laboratory for you to enlarge your skills.” (Text, p. 131) • Forgive parents and foster mature relationships • Grow in the light of God • Live worthily • Learn! • Spiritual study • Other books • Workshops • Mentors