Divine Design

2. Divine Design Part 4: Dating God’s Way A Biblical Perspective on a Cultural Phenomenon

3. Disclaimer • We are all broken and in need of a Savior • There is NO CONDEMNATION! • For never married, young people, we are holding up the highest of standards, in order for them to receive the greater blessing. • Those who are older, have been in relationships, or divorced can still use these principles for another opportunity to do things God’s way;

4. Dating Defined When two people spend significant time alone together, in various activities, developing personal intimacy, often in isolation and exclusive from other relationships

5. Broken World Cultural View • The prevailing culture says: • You need to date a lot of different people to find out who you are supposed to be with • Pre-marital sex is part of “self discovery” and determining “compatibility” with another person • If you get tired of a relationship- get out of it, and find a new one (practicing divorce and re-marriage) • Extended adolescence - You need to wait until you are “old enough”, educated, and financially established to consider marriage

6. The Church’s mandate • “The Church” has traditionally been responsible to hold up the highest standards for relationships, marriage, and sexuality • Holy Matrimony is one of 7 sacraments in Catholicism • This role has come under increasing attack by the prevailing, sexually liberated culture • The church can either: a.) capitulate to the culture or b.) hold firm to the standards, traditions, and morals which have been foundational to society for at least 6000 years

7. Pre-modernist Culture • In most cultures prior to the 20th Century, marriages were arranged by families, with the father of the girl being the prime negotiator • It was always considered “improper” for any persons of the opposite gender to spend any time together alone • Supervised courtship and written correspondence were the normal, prevailing means for two people considering marriage to get to know one another

8. Age of Maturity • In the pre-modern world, young women were considered mature and marriageable as young as 13-14. (physically able to bear children) • In most cultures it was shameful (or at least unusual) for women to remain unmarried beyond 21 • Young men were normally prepared to marry and support a family by 18-21, often taking wives who were 5 -7 years younger

9. 20th Century (back in the 1900s )Morality begins to shift from Judeo/Christian to Cultural Humanism • Women are no longer considered “property” to be negotiated over by men – feminism vs patriarchy • Technology advances – Telephone and television create an acceleration of communication • Industrial/technological revolution brings a major shift away from rural/agrarian life • Higher Education becomes more available and is promoted to young people as the road to success, delaying marriage for most • Birth control gains wide acceptance, spawning the sexual revolution of the 60s & 70s; women particularly are given new choices concerning when to engage in sex and with whom

10. “Dating” becomes the new normal • Somewhere mid 20th century, unsupervised couples’ dating gained acceptance (at least among younger people) • The telephone brought a new level of intimacy, which before was available only in writing • Automobiles provided a quicker means of transportation, which made “going out” alone possible

11. New levels of Intimacy – A Serious Conflict • Because of these rapid changes, young men and women become much more emotionally intimate, in much quicker time • Today we see this has multiplied 100 fold (computers, smart camera/video phones, texting, Facebook) • Emotional intimacy inevitably leads to physical intimacy • Sexual liberalism has now permeated every area of culture, especially visual media • Lust in the souls of men and women, often leads to accelerated, pre-mature sexual intimacy prior to marriage (fornication)

12. Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. Song of Solomon 8:4 The Message • Young people are able to become emotionally and physically intimate at a much earlier and accelerated rate – but are they ready? • The Age of maturity and marriage preparedness is growing much longer in the 21st century • This leaves young people extremely vulnerable to fornication for a much longer period of time

13. Gen 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone…with a woman who is not his wife (Robert’s version) • 1 Cor 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Having sex with anyone you aren’t married to, is potentially someone else’s future spouse; you are not only sinning against each other but those unknown people too! • Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. How many previous partners might there be in your marriage bed?

14. When fornication happens: • Don’t be too quick to pass judgment: Let those without sin cast the first stone… • Seek repentance, healing, and restoration rather than guilt, shame, and condemnation • if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Gal 6:1 • True repentance means a fresh start – another chance to do things God’s way

15. Should Christians Date? Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Rom 12:2 Possible outcomes to cultural dating: • Temptation / Lust • Fornication and it’s consequences: pregnancy, disease, emotional brokeness • Broken relationships • Bad marriage - based on faulty foundation

16. What’s a Christian family to do? • How do we as Christians, and specifically as a church, stand on God’s principles in the face of such overwhelming cultural pressure? • Teach children at very young age that ALL intimacy should be reserved for family and marriage • Make it very clear that “honoring father and mother” are 1st requirement of any Godly relationship, and will remain important even after marriage • Remain steadfastly opposed to “dating”, where young people are physically or even “technologically” alone with each other, until they are seriously ready to pursue marriage

17. Be Counter Culture Create an atmosphere that: • Cultivates Character building rather than moral “compliance” • Encourages same gender friendships with like minded, safe, proven, peers and mature mentors • Emphasizes spiritual intimacy with God and a reliance on Him for personal wholeness and self esteem, rather than “needing” someone else to feel fulfilled • Makes time for personal development, rather than the distraction of an intimate relationship that may not last • Features a culture of marriage that emphasizes purity, preparation, counsel, and family/church involvement • Emphasizes the importance of the “Father’s blessing”

18. Questions to Ask? • Is the other person a follower of Jesus? • Do they share the same moral and spiritual values? • Are their personalities, gifts, and strengths complementary or in competition? • Do both people show respect for their own and the others’ parents? • Take a look at the other’s parents’ marriage. This will be at least a partial imprint for your own.

19. Best Practices (Boundaries) • Never be alone with opposite sex • Girl’s father spends time with boy • Boy’s mother spends time with girl • (In the case of older people, substitute pastors or mother figures as surrogate parents if necessary) • Both sets of parents in communication with each other • All parents agree to relationship (can be messy in blended families) • Group outings, supervised by mature adults who share values • Spend time with people who demonstrate successful marriage relationships

20. So what if He/She is the one? • Shorter engagements sometimes better • The Father’s blessing (ideally both fathers) • Involve the whole church/spiritual community • Premarital relationship and financial counseling • Maintain purity until wedding night by staying surrounded by other close friends and family • Ask God to sanctify your marriage bed, regardless of previous experiences

21. There is hope ! • God is ready to lead you into the right relationship with the right person • Seek first His kingdom…and all these things… • PRAY! He will place His desires for you in your heart, and will fulfill His purpose in your relationships, for His Glory!