Homework to Do Before Our 4 th C lass

1. Homework to Do Before Our 4thClass • Read at least through page 154. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on opposition and anxiety. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Be able to describe the five steps of the ladder and when you would use each one. • In what situations do you anticipate facing the most resistance from your child? How far up the ladder do you think you will need to go? • Discuss when you think that spanking might be a more appropriate method of discipline than one of the steps of the ladder. • Become familiar with Elizabeth Laing Thompson’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/tenderyears There you’ll find a peer whom you can relate to and who is learning and practicing a lot of parenting wisdom.

2. Strengthening Parental Leadership“Five Steps to Self-Control, Respect, and Cooperation” Barry and Debbie Mattox Class 4

3. What is the “Ladder”? • The ladder is a 5-step action plan to keep parents firmly, but lovingly, in the lead of the family. • The ladder helps to create healthier, more secure parent-child relationships. • The objective of the ladder approach is to make your child secure in the certainty that you are up to the job of managing and training him. Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

4. We Are Naturally the Authority to Our Kids

5. Ineffective Time-Out • Pleaser - Talks too much and makes time-out time nice and agreeable • Pushover - Pleads for adherence, but doesn’t follow through and ends up taking time-out themselves • Forcers - Make time-out more like jail time • Outliers – Too distracted with other things to make it work

6. What the Ladder Is and What It Isn’t • Let’s define “punishment” as something unpleasant that we inflict on someone so that “justice is served” or “he gets what he deserves.” • With that definition, the ladder is a strategy, not a punishment. • Since the ladder is not a punishment, never use it as a threat. • Punishing a child is not the same thing as disciplining him. • Discipline is about teaching, directing, and correcting. • Punishment is about delivering an unpleasant sentence of judgment. • The ladder is a controlled and respectful form of parental help for containing and redirecting the drive that all children exercise to have things go their way. • The ladder gives children what they need: parents leading with love. Matthew 12:7 If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.

7. What to Expect When You Begin • Ultimately, children prefer a competent parent who will show them the way, rather than one who goes through endless rounds of begging and pleas for cooperation. • When you begin to use the ladder (or any discipline), your child will push harder, protest louder, and act sadder or injured in an effort to get you to eventually give in. Don’t!! • Things will temporarily get worse during this training period. Don’t be tempted to revert to familiar ways of dealing with family problems.

8. Keys to Being Successful • Make a commitment to train and discipline effectively, and make sure you and your spouse are united. • Set the tone for cooperation. If your child sees you as competent, strong, loving, and respectful, he will be more motivated to cooperate and work with you. • A serious, respectful, matter-of-fact tone is best. • Strive to help your child to learn to be confident of your authority, not to feel threatened, shamed, or harshly criticized by it.

9. Warning to . . . • Pleasers: No launching into discussions. Remember, less is more. • Pushovers: Don’t tell your child to “obey the Dr. who wrote the book.” • Forcer: Keep the tone light. Don’t make the new program sound like a new punishment. • Outlier: Be more emotionally engaged. Hold his hand and tell him that you’re going to help him so you can have a great family.

10. Prepare Your Child for the Change “One of the most important things in a family is for children to learn Respect, Self-control, and Cooperation. Mommy and Daddy want to help you to do better. So beginning now, we are going to be making some changes to make our family better.”

11. Why Will This Work? • Children respond to actions, not words. • You are replacing a lot of negatives (threats, anger, repeating yourself) with effective actions that can be consistently applied. • Remember, your child isnot asking “What are you going to say about it?” but “What are you going to do about it?” • Threats, anger, repeating yourself put the focus on you and discredit you as a competent authority. • Actions focus the child on whether he is being appropriately (or inappropriately) self-controlled, respectful, and cooperative.

12. The Place for Time-Out • The child’s bedroom is the best place for his time-out. • You are not looking for time-out to make your child suffer. So don’t think of putting him in a less desirable place, like a corner or the garage. • It’s okay for your child to play with the toys in his room in time out. However, never have electronic entertainment like a TV, video games, or a computer in the room. These tend to be stimulating and addicting. • It’s actually a positive thing if your child spends his time in his room being self-controlled, calm, and playing appropriately by himself. You have responded to his non-compliance on your terms, and he is not combative or out of control.

13. Some Things Should Not Be in His Bedroom

14. The Steps of the Ladder STEP 1: Make a friendly bid for cooperation Comply? STEP 4: “Time-Out starts when calm” and Close Door Y Done N Yelling, etc. Out of Control Response STEP 2: Give an I-Mean-Business Reminder STEP 5: The Parent Hold Calmly Complies Comply? STEP 3: Take him to his room for Time-Out N Y Done This will be the most often used form of time-out when training your child. These may be required as an exception, especially when starting to recapture your authority and take power back from your child.

15. Ladder Step 1: A Friendly Bid for Cooperation • Get rid of anger and irritation and pay attention to the tone you use. • Use their name or a term of endearment (“hey buddy” or “sweetie”) • In a pleasant tone, let your child know what you want him to do. • Pay attention to your child’s response. Wait 20 to 60 seconds to see if he is going to cooperate. If he does, great. If not, we go to step 2.

16. The Steps of the Ladder STEP 1: Make a friendly bid for cooperation Comply? STEP 4: “Time-Out starts when calm” and Close Door Y Done N Yelling, etc. Out of Control Response STEP 2: Give an I-Mean-Business Reminder STEP 5: The Parent Hold Calmly Complies Comply? STEP 3: Take him to his room for Time-Out N Y Done

17. Ladder Step 2: “I-Mean-Business” Reminder • Do not dilute your authority by talking, explaining, or asking your child to listen to you or to look you in the eye. Your child’s responsibility is to comply with your request. • Step 2 is a reminder and a statement of consequences. • Take a few steps closer to him, maybe bend down to be on his line of vision. • Say “______ [his name, not a nickname], ‘I said ________.’ This is the second time that I am saying it. If you need another reminder, then you will be heading to your room.” • If he complies in 20 to 60 seconds, fine. If not, we go to step 3.

18. The Steps of the Ladder STEP 1: Make a friendly bid for cooperation Comply? STEP 4: “Time-Out starts when calm” and Close Door Y Done N Yelling, etc. Out of Control Response STEP 2: Give an I-Mean-Business Reminder STEP 5: The Parent Hold Calmly Complies Comply? STEP 3: Take him to his room for Time-Out N Y Done

19. Ladder Step 3: To the Bedroom • Take Your Child to his room (not the garage or a corner). Go over to him, quickly and deliberately, and say something like, “Okay, that’s it, off you go to your bedroom” while taking his arm or putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him to the bedroom. • Tell your child, “Now you need to stay in your room until I tell you to come out.” Then quickly leave the room without saying anything else. (Don’t add “Do you understand?” That’s almost like adding “Okay?”) • Leave the bedroom door open and leave immediately, out of his sight, but close enough to intervene quickly if he decides to leave the room. • An appropriate length of time-out is the child’s age plus 2 or 3 minutes. Don’t set a timer that your child can see or hear. He needs to know that you are in control, not the timer. • If your child stays in the room and is well behaved for the appropriate amount of time, you can ask him to come out. Then you pick up where you left off: “Okay, honey, your time in your room is finished. Now, where were we? Oh yes, you have some toys to pick up.” • If your child continues screaming, or runs out of the room, go to Step 4.

20. Don’t Get Pulled into Your Child’s Verbal Efforts to Distract You • Do not give in to pleas for one more chance. Remind him “I only ask twice. Then it’s off to your room.” • If your child responds by calling you mean or unfair, don’t be put on the defensive. It’s okay to say something like, “No honey, I’m not being mean or unfair. I asked twice and you did not cooperate. Now it’s off to your room you go.” • If your child responds that he was just about to do what you asked, say “That’s good. Next time you will remember that I only ask twice. Now come on then. This time you will have to go to your room.” • Also, do not say something like, “When you have calmed down and are ready to cooperate, then you can come out.” That gives control and power back to the child.

21. After Time-Out • Do not have a post-discipline analysis of why you had the time-out, etc. • There is no need for your child to be reassured of your love for him. Nothing traumatic has happened! • If your child is angry and protests that he doesn’t want to come out, say “That’s okay. I just want you to know that your time-out is finished.”

22. The Steps of the Ladder STEP 1: Make a friendly bid for cooperation Comply? STEP 4: “Time-Out starts when calm” and Close Door Y Done N Yelling, etc. Out of Control Response STEP 2: Give an I-Mean-Business Reminder STEP 5: The Parent Hold Calmly Complies Comply? STEP 3: Take him to his room for Time-Out N Y Done

23. Ladder Step 4: Close the Door (for Yelling) • In the case your child yells and really carries on for more than a minute, stick your head in the room and loudly whisper: “Shhh! Don’t forget, honey, the work of time-out is done quietly, and with all this screaming and carrying-on, the time you have to stay in your room hasn’t even started yet.” • You say this very calmly. Your calm manner establishes your competence and authority. • In the case he doesn’t calm down after a couple of minutes, add: “Because your screaming is so loud, and I don’t want this obnoxious noise to fill the house, I am going to close the door to help remind you that you need to be quiet.” Then close the door and quickly leave without discussion. • If he quiets down, then after the designated amount of time, open the door and announce, “Okay, honey, your time in your room is finished.” • You then go back to Step 1, reminding him of the original direction that he needs to cooperate with.

24. Ladder Step 4: Close the Door (for Running Out) • If your child runs out of his room, say “Whoa! Where do you think you’re going? I just said you have to stay in your room until I tell you it’s time to come out, and I haven’t told you it’s time yet. I mean business about this. You need to stay put. Now I’m going to close your door to remind you that you are not to leave your room until I say it’s time for you to come out.” • Again, no discussion. Be calm and matter-of-fact. Leave and close the door. • Then if he complies, after the designated amount of time, open the door and announce, “Okay, honey, your time in your room is finished.” • You then go back to Step 1, reminding him of the original direction that he needs to cooperate with.

25. The Steps of the Ladder STEP 1: Make a friendly bid for cooperation Comply? STEP 4: “Time-Out starts when calm” and Close Door Y Done N Yelling, etc. Out of Control Response STEP 2: Give an I-Mean-Business Reminder STEP 5: The Parent Hold Calmly Complies Comply? STEP 3: Take him to his room for Time-Out N Y Done

26. Step 5: The Parent Hold • If your child becomes “unglued” and out-of-control he needs the emotional regulation he cannot find on his own. • Even though he may struggle with you, he will end up feeling relieved by your loving containment and grateful for your leadership. • You can use the parent hold at any stage to help your child calm down when he is out of control. • The parent hold is usually only needed because he is resisting your taking the power away from him. After using the hold 3 or 4 times, you should see improvement. • If not seeing improvement after several times, you may need professional help.

27. The Mechanics of the Parent Hold • “You are out of control. It’s not good for children to be out of control. I’m going to hold you to help you to calm down.” • Hold his wrists, crossing his arms in front of him. • If he’s kicking, sit on the floor and hold his legs with you legs. Use as little force as necessary. This is to help him, not to punish him. • Have a pillow handy to place between you and his head in case he starts to bang his head against your chest. • The parent hold should progress in a manner that will be soothing, reassuring, and calming to your child. Usually less than 20 minutes. • Loosen your grip as your child calms down.

28. The Ladder Out-and-About • You must teach your child to exercise SRC no matter where he is. • Set yourself up for victory starting out. Set up some “training runs” when you don’t have a huge or important agenda. (Step 1) Tell your child before you go how you expect him to behave. (Step 2) If your child goes outside of the behavior that you have told him, say “I’m reminding you of the rules, how I expect you to behave. If I have to tell you another time, we’ll have to [stop the car, turn around, or other discipline].” If he misbehaves again, go to Step 3. (Step 3) Be calm. Act before you say anything. (Example, pull the car over). If he’s fussing, you get out of the car and tell him you will get back in when he settles down. (Do not let him get out of the car. That would be dangerous.) If he’s extremely upset, use the parent holdinside the car.

29. Other Out-and-About Tips • Before going to a restaurant, talk to your child about your expectations: good manners, staying in his seat, keeping his voice down. Bring some quiet things for him to play with while you wait. • Use a private area as a place for your child to regain their SRC (whether it’s simply waiting for them to calm down or to give them a spanking). It is not respectful to discipline your child in public. • Take them to an unoccupied bathroom, or other safe solitary place. • Remember, you are not trying to shame your child, but train him. • If you are pulling off the road, do so safely, perhaps into a parking lot.

30. When You Might Use Spanking Instead • Use your own judgment about when spanking might be the right tool for training your child. However, when spanking is used, you should be very careful that you are using it to train your child and not to express your own frustrations about his behavior or about the damage that he may have caused by his actions. • Always be respectful and under control yourself. If you are angry, you should probably wait until you can have the proper respect and love for your child. • Never spank in public or even with the other children present. • You may want to express to your child that you also receive discipline when you mess up.

31. Homework to Do Before Our 5thClass • Read at least through page 227. However, we also encourage you to read ahead and learn how to deal with sleeping, toileting, and eating. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • What are some examples of expressions of opposition. • What are some examples of expressions of anxiety. • What are the problems that develop when expressions of opposition are allowed to transfer power to the child? • What problems can develop when expressions of anxiety are not handled in an effective manner?