Marriage on the Run!

1. Marriage on the Run! Coach’s Retreat Alabama

2. This marriage deal is tough…. • Kind of like two cows standing in the field… milk truck goes by… homogenized, pasteurized, Vitamin D and Iron added… kind of makes you feel inadequate! • Father forgive them… they know not what they do! • Clock struck 13.. Wake up it is later than you think!

3. I really want to slow you down… • See if we can learn some things that are practical in nature! • Lot of fantasies that I want to shake tonight! • Three for sure: 1. Cinderella has never lived in the castle 2. You are not going to be awakened by a kiss of prince charming! 3. There is a beauty and the beast!

4. In this country that has a mountain named Rushmore… • No Quick Fixes… shortcuts… • Love is not a feeling… “Love is more than a feeling. Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. When we have this attitude a new sense of realism enters the marriage and makes growth possible… it is a decision, it is a promise… I will not always feel that I am in love… but I am committed to it!

5. Books I Own Because of the Need to Grow… • His Needs, Her Needs:Harley • The Act of Marriage, by Lehaye • Love Languages: Smalley • Norman Wright: Communication • Tender Love : Hybels • Pillow Talk : Karen Linamen

6. MAJOR PREMISE THAT I WANT TO START WITH… Healthy Marriage are based on people who have made up their minds to grow in Christ-likeness and move away from self-centeredness. In fact, the further you get away from self service the stronger your marriage becomes. Move away from self-centeredness toward servanthood and I think I can fix most any problem in marriage!

7. Building a Winning Marriage • Everybody needs a healthy a marriage and this open up at least ways to do that… • Not a fix for a marriage that is in need of counseling… but it will help!

8. Harley’s Basic Needs • Women’s: • Affection • Conversation • Honesty and openness • Financial support • Family commitment • Men’s : • Sexual Fulfillment • Recreational companionship • An attractive spouse • Domestic support • Admiration

9. In Counseling … Weaknesses I observed: • Priorities were out of sort! • Communication was not an effort • Time was poorly managed • Edification was not practiced • Intimacy was only sexual

10. 7 Identifiable Qualities of a Good Marriage. • Freedom • Autonomy • Empathy • Flexibility • Trust • Creativity • Intimacy

11. Intimacy! • Definition: “the union that comes when two people learn together how to give love and how to accept love!” • It is the key to healthy families healthy friendships, and a healthy understanding of ourselves.

12. How To Achieve That Intimacy Is The Big Question! • In order to get there you have to deal with two primary questions… • Who am I? Meaning my behavior style and my nurture… what did I bring to the marriage ( family, experiences) • Who are we? • When we blend two of us what is the mix?

13. Biggest Barriers To Intimacy: • Individualism - nice word for selfish • Lack of personal development - liking who you are ! • Lack of understanding of the idea of a journey called marriage

14. Individualism: • I care more about me than I do “us” • Pride that says I know all I need to know… • I have little understanding how my “I” affects the “you” that I married

15. Lack Of Personal Development • Poor handle on who we are and how we are different from our mate…. • Making no compensation for how we mesh or fail to mesh with our mate! • Making no attempt to pay attention to who they are and adjusting to meet the needs!

16. This deal is a journey that happens only if you decide to work at it… Not an instant deal/ over night deal/ honey it’s always wonderful deal!

17. Principles of Winning Marriage! • Understanding your self • Understanding your mate • Investment of time • Flexibility • Listening as much as we talk • Communication • Friendship • Trust – me with you • Conflict • Common Interest

18. Remember: Human Behavior Is Both a Science and an Art. To communicate …you have to remember! • It is a science in the sense that it’s observable and repeatable. • It is an art in the sense that we can experience it and modify it.

19. We All Know That We Should Approach Certain Animals Differently. Gorilla Vs. Bunny • The same is true for people. • Based upon what you know about them you approach them differently.

20. Behavioral Insights • Extroverted people are fast paced. • Outgoing. • Introverted people are slower-paced. • Reserved. I N T R O V E R T E X T R O V E R T

21. Behavioral Insights • Task oriented people enjoy doing “things” like making plans or working on projects. (Hi-tech) • People oriented individuals are into caring and sharing. They like a lot of talking, feeling, openness. (Hi-touch) Task ------------------ People

22. Behavioral Insights TASK I N T R O V E R T E D E X T RO V E R T E D C D S I PEOPLE

23. High D • Strengths and tendencies • Getting immediate results • Making quick decisions • Persistence • Solving problems • Taking charge • Self-reliance • Accepting challenges

24. Weaknesses of High D • Insensitive to others • Impatient • Overlooks risks • Inflexible and unyielding • Taking on too much • Being too inattentive to details • Resenting restrictions • Being too demanding of others

25. High I • Strengths /tendencies • Optimistic • Enthusiastic • Being personable • Make a good impression • Verbally articulate • Entertaining climate

26. Weaknesses Of High I • Tendencies include: • Lack of follow through • Over-selling • Over-estimating results anticipated • Misjudges capabilities • Talks too much • Acts impulsively • Jumps to conclusions and over - commits

27. High S • Strengths/tendency • Supportive • Agreeable • Loyal • Self-controlled • Consistent • Good listener • Perform to work patterns

28. Weaknesses Of An S • Resist change • Trouble meeting deadlines • Overly lenient • Procrastinate • Being indecisive • Holding a grudge • Overly possessive/no INITATIVE

29. High C • Strengths: • Orderly • Conscientiousness • Discipline • Preciseness • Thoroughness • Being diplomatic • Analytical

30. Weaknesses Of High C • Tendencies: - indecisive - gets bogged down in details • Avoids controversy • Low self esteem • Hesitant to try new things • Sensitive to criticism/pessimistic

31. Passages in Marriage . • I think that there are stages of marriage that we all go through that indicate a positive motion.

32. Honeymoon Stage • Necessities that occur: • Dealing with physical aspect of relationship • Sharing and openness must be established • Daily adjustments occur • Financial development • Learning and adjusting to personalities is expereinced • 0-5: years growing and learning of who we are and how the marriage comes together. A lot of conflict within and without. • Decisions about adjustment, interdependence, establishing of communication. • Key words: self identity / working with partner to overcome differences/ establishing goals / building partnerships.

33. Parenting Passage • Key words: Self affirmation/ self gratification/ sharing of self with partner. • Necessities that occur. • Establishing of roles. • Give and take in each others lives. • Long term direction of marriage… retirement/family etc. • 5-10 years discovery of relationships and base of interaction. Establishing of the limitations of giving and receiving…stretching of interdependence

34. I Am Here Passage…. • Key words: buidling of trust/granting of space/ meeting of needs • Necessities: • Honoring of each other • Establishing the pattern of life • Communication must be established 10-20 years career established…patterns of living intrenched …adjustments are more difficult , communication is more patterned and not as flexible. Often if relationship is not built this is the most difficult period because we do not adjust well by this time.

35. Empty Nest… • 20-30 years very dangerous if patterns of communication are not good. Back to discovery of each other…either get to honeymoon pattern of learning or serious trouble is present. • Key words: building of friendship/ clear roles of support for each other. • Necessities: • Many of the honeymoon necessities are back here. • Working on marriage is now the most serious. • Communication must be at its best state.

36. ABC’s of a Good Marriage • I accept you as you are: I will not attempt to make you something you are uncomfortable with being! • I believe you are valuable: and I learn to express that regularly! • I care when you hurt… I even notice! • I desire the best for you! • I erase all offenses… no score keeping!

37. the Final Analysis Best way to illustarte what it takes: My favorite piece.