Revising Sentences for Connection

1. Revising Sentences for Connection Steve Whitmore February 2006 Revising for Connection

2. Revising Sentences for Connection At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and correct stylistic problems involving the following: • Repetitive Structures • Parallel Sentence Structure • Vague “This” Subjects • Transitional Tags Revising for Connection

3. Pattern for Unnecessary Repetition S/V/Word#1 Word#1 . . . Word#2 Word#2 . . . Word#3 Revising for Connection

4. Unnecessary Repetition The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be reduced by lowering the implant energy. However, lowering the implant energy increases the channeling probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for boron ions . . . . Revising for Connection

5. Unnecessary Repetition The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be reduced by lowering the implant energy. However, lowering the implant energy increases the channeling probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for boron ions . . . . Revising for Connection

6. Unnecessary Repetition The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. Lowering the implant energy (and thereby increasing the channeling probability for boron ions) reduces the junction depth of the boron source/drain implant. The channeling probability for boron ions . . . Revising for Connection

7. Unnecessary Repetition This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary. Revising for Connection

8. Unnecessary Repetition This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary. Revising for Connection

9. Unnecessary Repetition This critique is based on a model identifying organizational boundaries and defining the internal and external components of the organization.1 The external components of the model (e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands) are beyond the scope of this critique which focuses solely on the following internal components: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. 1G. Robinson. 1995. MSAT Project Management Course Notes. E.M. Sciences Ltd. Revising for Connection

10. Unnecessary Repetition To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that exists is not being made readily available to all employees. Revising for Connection

11. Unnecessary Repetition To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that exists is not being made readily available to all employees. Revising for Connection

12. Unnecessary Repetition To my knowledge, either no Mission Statement exists or it is not being made readily available to all employees. Revising for Connection

13. Unnecessary Repetition I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument. Revising for Connection

14. Unnecessary Repetition I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument. Revising for Connection

15. Unnecessary Repetition In order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. If these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument. Revising for Connection

16. Some Pointers • Avoid “chaining” sentences together by repeating the last words of a sentence as the 1st words of the next sentence. • Ensure you edit “stream-of-consciousness” writing. • Avoid starting strings of sentences with phrases such as “I think” or “I believe.” We assume you think it if you wrote it. Revising for Connection

17. Some More Pointers • Poetic repetition is a very powerful way to help people remember a key point. Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival. -- Winston Churchill • This technique is perhaps best saved for occasions such as delivering eulogies or motivational speeches. Revising for Connection

18. Patterns for Parallel Structure Phrase and/or/but/etc. Phrase Balance Balance ^ Verb Noun Verb Noun Verb Noun Revising for Connection

19. Parallel Sentence Structure Examples of coordinators in parallel structure Revising for Connection

20. Parallel Sentence Structure The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities, the problems that the current system is experiencing, and to present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities. Revising for Connection

21. Parallel Sentence Structure The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities, the problems that the current system is experiencing, andto present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities. Revising for Connection

22. Parallel Sentence Structure The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities and the problems that the current system is experiencing. It will also present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities. Revising for Connection

23. Parallel Sentence Structure This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and the support package that PTE can offer for PC/FOCUS. Revising for Connection

24. Parallel Sentence Structure This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and the support package that PTE can offer for PC/FOCUS. Revising for Connection

25. Parallel Sentence Structure This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and for the PC/FOCUS support package. Revising for Connection

26. Parallel Sentence Structure In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following: • repair our existing PCs • purchase 11 more hard drives • security is insufficient • expand our operating hours Revising for Connection

27. Parallel Sentence Structure In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following: • repair our existing PCs • purchase 11 more hard drives • security is insufficient • expand our operating hours Revising for Connection

28. Parallel Sentence Structure In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following: • repair our existing PCs • purchase 11 more hard drives • increase system security • expand our operating hours Revising for Connection

29. Parallel Sentence Structure The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project management structure. This critique will discuss the following topics: • My vision of the company as an optimal organization. • Strengths and weaknesses of current practices. • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole. • Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission. Revising for Connection

30. Parallel Sentence Structure The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project management structure. This critique will discuss the following topics: • My vision of the company as an optimal organization. • Strengths and weaknesses of current practices. • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole. • Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission. Revising for Connection

31. Parallel Sentence Structure The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project management structure. This critique will discuss the following topics: • My vision of the company as an optimal organization. • The strengths and weaknesses of current practices. • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole. Finally, I recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission. Revising for Connection

32. Some Pointers • Use the same verb form when linking ideas together using a coordinating conjunction. • Split excessively long sentences in two to avoid parallelism problems. • Repeat prepositions in lengthy prepositional phrases. • Try to balance length as well as structure. Revising for Connection

33. Some More Pointers • Ensure lists are parallel by starting all items with nouns or verbs. • Avoid mixing complete sentences and sentence fragments in lists. • Beware of Microsoft’s automated features! Revising for Connection

34. Pattern for Vague “This” Subject This (???) Verb/Object Revising for Connection

35. Vague “This” Subjects The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model. Revising for Connection

36. Vague “This” Subjects The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model. Revising for Connection

37. Vague “This” Subjects The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This conservative approach is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model. Revising for Connection

38. Vague “This” Subjects RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. This has been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating. Revising for Connection

39. Vague “This” Subjects RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. This has been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating. Revising for Connection

40. Vague “This” Subjects RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. These attributes have been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating. Revising for Connection

41. Vague “This” Subjects The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure. This is required to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment from employees. Revising for Connection

42. Vague “This” Subjects The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure. This is required to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment from employees. Revising for Connection

43. Vague “This” Subjects The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure in order to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. Providing rewards can be critical for commitment from employees. Revising for Connection

44. Some Pointers • Place a word or phrase immediately after the word “this” when it starts a sentence. • Avoid strings of vague “this” subjects. Revising for Connection

45. Pattern for Transitions Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of motion and gravitation. However, tomatoes grow best in full sunlight. So doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath. Therefore, we must learn to more clearly explain what we mean. • Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of motion and gravitation. • Tomatoes grow best in full sunlight. • Doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath. • We must learn to more clearly explain what we mean. Revising for Connection

46. Transitions Partial list of prepositions Revising for Connection

47. Transitions Partial list of conjunctions Revising for Connection

48. Transitions Partial list of adverbials Revising for Connection

49. Using Transitions Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board. Revising for Connection

50. Using Transitions Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board. Revising for Connection