Letting Go: Steps to Self Acceptance

1. Letting Go: Steps to Self Acceptance Melissa Taylor, LMFT Kim Passmore, RD Center for Change

2. Perfectionism obsessive rigid unreachable secretive productivity guarded sensitive critical Excellence consistent flexible obtainable goals self-disclosing process open approachable kind Perfectionism vs Excellence

3. Profile of Eating Disorder Psyche • Hypersensitivity • Perfectionistic • Pleasing others • Externally focused • Talented • Intelligent • Gifted in Arts • Athletic

4. Consequences • Cognitive: distorted thoughts regarding worth, hard on self, black and white thinking • Spiritual: starts to distance themselves from God, sees God as punishing, sees themselves as a failure • Emotional: starts to shut down, rigid thinking, feels depressed and anxious • Social: isolate from important relationships, feels that others will judge them as they judge themselves

5. Perfectionism & Self-esteem • Clients report a clear and destructive voice in their head that is • Hypercritical • Despair-confirming • Tyrannical • Ex: “everyone hates you,” “you are a burden,” “things will never work out for you”

6. How to Accept Self: Look internally Worthiness does not equal worth

7. Worth versus worthiness • Worthiness is about action, intent to follow righteous principles of gospel • Worldly value versus eternal perspective • Stay at home mothers • Teachers • Service professionals • The American Culture validates • the tan, the thin, the rich, the well-dressed, the body “perfected by surgical enhancements and reductions”

8. Sum of Our Actions • American society grades and measures us on the activities that we do • Learn this from birth… congrats you took your first step, grades in school • How many goals did you make in the soccer game, how fast did you run the mile, what college are you attending, how much money you make at your first job, what type of house do you live in, which neighborhood that house is in….

9. Worth from an LDS Standpoint • Heavenly Father states the worth of a soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10) • Our Savior gives examples of this worth by • Leaving the 99 and finding the 1 lost sheep (Matt 18:12) • Teaching us through the prodigal son how to treat the sinner and the penitent soul (Luke 15)

10. Worth and LDS (cont’d) -Our worth is a constant Cognitive restructuring in therapy -We are giving weaknesses to become strong (Ether 12:27) Accept your weaknesses and acknowledge them -We learn line upon line Have patience with yourself, this is a lifelong experience -Find your identity through exploration and struggle There are many gifts of the Spirit and every man is given a gift, but we aren’t given all the gifts

11. Combating the Negative Voice • Write down the negative thoughts you have about yourself • Be reasonable, ask someone you trust to look over your thoughts • Use a therapist to help you become aware of your self-defeating patterns

12. I am fat I am a failure I am unlovable I worry that others judge me before seeing who I really am I need to show myself kindness when I don’t meet my expectations, others do People tend to like me even when I don’t Negative Rational

13. The Gift of Progression • Vulnerability • Brings us closer to others • Show weaknesses, energy in other things than not being perfect • Trust builds, learn how to do relationships • Search for the Savior

14. Gifts of Self-Acceptance • When we are kind to ourselves we learn how to get up after falling • We learn that exploration is good • We learn a sense of humor • We learn kindness towards self • We learn tolerance and forgiveness for ourselves, we love and let others have that same courtesy • We can love others as we love ourselves

15. Develop your identity • Accept self for inner qualities • Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn • Adopt the principle of being perfectly imperfect • Challenge yourself to do something scary, face your fears

16. Objectifying our bodies never gives us joy Accepting our body

17. The Myth of the Perfect Body (nationaleatingdisorders.org) • The average American woman is 5’3.7” and weighs 152 lbs, and wears a size 14. • The average model is 5’11” and weighs 117 lbs, and wears a size 2. • The average male is 5’9” and weighs 180 lbs. • Although the ideal figure has become thinner, the average woman’s figure has become larger.

18. Media, Youth, and Body Image • Average teen watches 3 hours of TV/day • All media combined is 6 hours 32 min/day (Nielsen Media Research) • 68% of Children have TV in bedroom (Kaiser Family Foundation, 2003) • 1 hour day watching websites, music, chat rooms, sending messages (D. Roberts, 2005)

20. Objectification of Body and Healthy Sexuality • Sexualization (defined in APA 2007 report) • Personal worth and characteristics are overlooked in favor of sexual behavior or physical attraction • Narrow definition of attractiveness, based on “thin mentality” • Person is for others’ benefit, rather than a person with the independent worth

21. Relationship Consequences • Girls/women displeased with self makes it hard for boys/men to find partners healthy (Schooler & Ward, 2006) • Men who view pornography see partners as less attractive, sexual intimacy is not as enjoyable, show decrease in affection (numerous studies, see APA 2007) • Objectifying people lack of empathy leads to less stability and satisfaction in relationships (numerous studies, APA 2007)

22. The Bottom Line “If the image maker and pharmaceutical companies and fashion designers have their way, we will always be made to feel that we don’t fit. Either we don’t fit the clothes, or we don’t fit the ideal, or we don’t fit the lifestyle. We just don’t fit, period.” --Emme, model and author, True Beauty

23. Stop The Madness What you can do

26. Spring to Action

27. Fighting “Fatism” • Be aware of how you view beauty • Boycott products that objectify bodies (men and women) • Look people in the eye instead of comparing • Don’t participate in fat talk • Stop dieting • Get to know others • Reject the thin ideal • Acknowledge that we can’t see on the outside the beauty someone has on the inside.

28. Elder Holland • First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. • Be a woman of Christ. All of this is to try to tell you how your Father in Heaven feels about you and what He has designed for you to become. And if for a time any of you are less visionary than this or seem bent on living beneath your privilege, then we express even greater love for you and plead with you to make your teenage years a triumph, not a tragedy. Fathers and mothers, prophets and apostles have no motive except to bless your life and to spare you every possible heartache we can spare you.

29. Elder Holland • I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]” • As one Hollywood actress is reported to have said recently: “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth. … I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate [themselves] in search of that. I see women [including young women] … pulling this up and tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. [You can’t get off of it.] … It’s really insane … what society is doing to women.”

30. Elder Holland • In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women • One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. Yet at the end of the day there would still be those “in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers” as Lehi saw, because however much one tries in the world of glamour and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough.

31. Accepting Ourselves (Bodies) • Question the media; recognize the madness! • Fighting the Diet Downfall • Accept our Genetics

32. Question the Media • Why do you feel compelled to “live up” to unrealistic standards? (Know your worth) • Talk back to the TV • Weight Watcher’s commercial (“Diets don’t work…”) • Avoid magazines/articles/shows that make you feel bad about yourself: pay attention to your feelings!

33. 1891: don’t look like the poor unfortunate on the left who, shorn of her artificial inflationary devices & pads must, in the confines of her bedroom, through shame, try to cover her poor thin frame from the gaze of her beloved spouse. End despair!

34. Media says: “They’re too thin!” Disparages celebrities for having eating disorders one minute….and then Are we obsessed with other’s bodies?

35. Media says: “You’re too fat!” Better not have an eating disorder and be “too thin,” but you better not be too big, either! We need to look at people as individuals rather than having their weight dictate our actions/beliefs.

36. Impact of Consumption • In a recent 2008 survey, 88% of women report trip to the dressing room made them re-evaluate their bodies • 42% would change their waist • 23% hips and thighs • 10% rear • 10% chest • 4% arms

37. Impact of Consumption • 64% of women said shopping for clothes is bad for self-confidence • 80% reported they wanted to lose 30 lbs or more • 10% reported they had cried in the dressing room • 39% reported they have purchased something too small, hoping to lose weight

38. Imagine not knowing your dress size “There were no standardized sizes for women’s clothing until the late nineteenth century. Imagine never being asked your size.” Jane Hirschmann & Carol Munter in When women stop hating their bodies

39. The Diet Industry

40. Dieting is a BIG business • 1970- 10 billion dollars in revenues • 1996- 33 billion dollars in revenues • 2002- 40 billion dollars • 2006- 63 billion dollars • 2008- estimates over 100 billion • The Diet Industry Targets Girls and Woman

41. Downside of Dieting:Losing Self-Esteem • In 2006: • Only 2% of Women in World call themselves “beautiful” • 0% - Japan • 6% - Brazil • 86% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance. • Only 7% of women expressed little concern with their appearance. • 92% of girls want to change 1 aspect of their appearance

42. The Price of Dieting • Diagnosis of eating disorders has increased significantly in the past 20 years • Onset is between age 13 & 18 years old • One out of every four college aged women have an eating disorder. • 8 of 10 college women have disordered eating. • Anorexia has the highest mortality rate (up to 20%) of any psychiatric diagnosis.

43. Don’t Diet! • No Scales, no measuring cups • No label reading, no counting calories • No Good and Bad Foods • Exercise vs. Movement • Taste and Enjoy Food • Honor Hunger/Fullness • Eat 3 meals per day

44. Accept Genetics • Many aspects of your body cannot be changed • Do not compare your body with your friends, family, media images, roommates, etc. • No two bodies are ever the same

45. Reality of Weight: Set Point • You have a genetically predetermined set-point (weight). • Dieting often causes your set point to raise • Fighting your body/set point leads to frustration and often leads to weight gain, eating disorders • You need to have normal eating patterns to maintain your set point

47. “HEALTHY WEIGHT” Weight at which a person’s body settles as they move towards a more fulfilling, meaningful lifestyle

48. NAME BMI WEIGHT STATUS George W. Bush 26.3 Overweight Will Smith 27 Overweight Yao Ming 27.7 Overweight George Clooney 29 Overweight Johnny Depp 29.8 Overweight Matt LeBlanc 30 Obese Tom Cruise 31 Obese Shaquille O’Neil 31.6 Obese Arnold Schwarzenegger 33 Obese

49. BODY MASS INDEX “Although BMI is a generally convenient measure, it lacks a theoretical foundation and may be compromised by ethnic, cultural or lifestyle differences” QJM, Association of Physicians in Great Britain, 2000, Sep;93(9):589-96

50. CREATING THE EPIDEMIC Tues. June 16, 1998: Overweight = BMI > 27.3 for women, > 27.8 for men Wed. June 17, 1998: Overweight = 30 million people woke up overweight on Wednesday ! BMI >25 RESULT: