Editing and Revising your Essay

1. Editing and Revising your Essay Dead Words, Transitions and Comma Splices

2. Eliminating Dead Words • The following Dead Words need to be eliminated from your writing: HIGHLIGHT or CIRCLE them so you know you have to replace the word • You, your, yours • I, our, ours, ourselves, we • Thing, everything, anything, something • Good, bad • Really • Very • Get, getting, got • All contractions (doesn’t, can’t, etc.)

3. Transitions-The Layout • Paragraph 1 (Intro) no transitions • Paragraph 2 • T • S (a transition could introduce your example) • E (could use a transition to link your explanations) • T (a transition is required because this sentence should tell the reader what the next paragraph is going to be about) • Paragraph 3 • S (a transition could introduce your example) • E (could use a transition to link your explanations) • T (a transition is required because this sentence should tell the reader what the next paragraph is going to be about)

4. Transitions-The Layout • Paragraph 4: • T • S (a transition could introduce your example) • E (could use a transition to link your explanations) • T (this sentence should wrap up the paragraph-could say something like “Clearly…”) • Paragraph 5: (Conclusion) • R (Use a transition to introduce your conclusion) • A (use a transition to connect the ideas in this sentence from the ones in the previous sentence) • P (What lesson does the poem teach?)

5. Comma Splice • A comma CANNOT link 2 complete sentence • INCORRECT: My shirt is pink, Lucy’s is black. • CORRECT: My shirt is pink; Lucy’s is black. • CORRECT: My shirt is pink, but Lucy’s is black. • CORRECT: My shirt is pink. Lucy’s is black.

6. Comma SplicePlease check your paper for 2 sentence linked with a comma and correct them! • A comma CANNOT link 2 complete sentence • INCORRECT: The bird “glanced with rapid eyes/that hurried all abroad” because he knew he was being watched, the speaker had startled him. • CORRECT: The bird “glanced with rapid eyes/that hurried all abroad” because he knew he was being watched; the speaker had startled him. • CORRECT: The bird “glanced with rapid eyes/that hurried all abroad” because he knew he was being watched since the speaker had startled him. • CORRECT: The bird “glanced with rapid eyes/that hurried all abroad” because he knew he was being watched. The speaker had startled him.

7. Formatting • All paragraphs should be indented on the first line. • Use double spacing throughout the essay. • Use 12pt Times New Roman or Ariel font. • Set your margins for 1 inch on all sides. • Do not put extra spaces between paragraphs. • Use a cover page. Print your name, date, period, and a title. DO NOT put your name anywhere except the title page.

8. Examples: • Incorrect: • Regardless of who you are, adolescence is a difficult time period because teenagers constantly feel pressured to fit in and be accepted. Case in point, in Pat Mora’s poem “Same Song,” a sixteen year old boy and twelve year old girl feel pressured to fit a certain image but are continually unhappy by their inability to meet that standard. The daughter meticulously applies makeup and curls her hair while her brother unceasingly works out all in an attempt to improve their looks. In the poem, Mora uses an array of vivid imagery to develop the theme that young people are often pressured by society to fit a certain image. • In the first stanza, Mora uses imagery to show how her daughter unsuccessfully tries to fit society’s definition of beauty. Her daughter “peers into that mirror, mirror on the wall,” looking for approval and recognition that she is attractive. Instead, the only response she receives is, “not fair.” Mora’s daughter allows an outside force, the mirror (society), to tell her whether she is worthy rather than to make her own judgment. The rejection she feels can contribute to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and a negative body image that can follow her throughout the rest of her life. Mora’s impressionable and naïve daughter does not realize that she is trying to conform to an unobtainable measure of beauty that will only lead to disappointment and sadness. Furthermore, imagery in the second stanza supports the idea that her son also struggles with body image.

9. Examples: • Incorrect: Regardless of who you are, adolescence is a difficult time period because teenagers constantly feel pressured to fit in and be accepted. Case in point, in Pat Mora’s poem “Same Song,” a sixteen year old boy and twelve year old girl feel pressured to fit a certain image but are continually unhappy by their inability to meet that standard. The daughter meticulously applies makeup and curls her hair while her brother unceasingly works out all in an attempt to improve their looks. In the poem, Mora uses an array of vivid imagery to develop the theme that young people are often pressured by society to fit a certain image. • In the first stanza, Mora uses imagery to show how her daughter unsuccessfully tries to fit society’s definition of beauty. Her daughter “peers into that mirror, mirror on the wall,” looking for approval and recognition that she is attractive. Instead, the only response she receives is, “not fair.” Mora’s daughter allows an outside force, the mirror (society), to tell her whether she is worthy rather than to make her own judgment. The rejection she feels can contribute to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and a negative body image that can follow her throughout the rest of her life. Mora’s impressionable and naïve daughter does not realize that she is trying to conform to an unobtainable measure of beauty that will only lead to disappointment and sadness. Furthermore, imagery in the second stanza supports the idea that her son also struggles with body image.

10. Examples: • Correct: Regardless of who you are, adolescence is a difficult time period because teenagers constantly feel pressure to fit in and be accepted. Case in point, in Pat Mora’s poem “Same Song,” a sixteen year old boy and twelve year old girl feel pressured to fit a certain image but are continually unhappy by their inability to meet that standard. The daughter meticulously applies makeup and curls her hair while her brother unceasingly works out all in an attempt to improve their looks. In the poem, Mora uses an array of vivid imagery to develop the theme that young people are often pressured by society to fit a certain image. In the first stanza, Mora uses imagery to show how her daughter unsuccessfully tries to fit society’s definition of beauty. Her daughter “peers into that mirror, mirror on the wall,” looking for approval and recognition that she is attractive. Instead, the only response she receives is, “not fair.” Mora’s daughter allows an outside force, the mirror (society), to tell her whether she is worthy rather than to make her own judgment. The rejection she feels can contribute to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and a negative body image that can follow her throughout the rest of her life. Mora’s impressionable and naïve daughter does not realize that she is trying to conform to an unobtainable measure of beauty that will only lead to disappointment and sadness. Furthermore, imagery in the second stanza supports the idea that her son also struggles with body image.