Colette Morgan Oxfordshire Child on Parent Violence Project D evelopment Manager

1. Building Respectful FamiliesReducing Child on Parent Violence Findings from the Building Respectful Families Pilot Colette Morgan Oxfordshire Child on Parent Violence Project Development Manager

2. Building Respectful Families Identifying and defining Child on Parent Violence • What is the difference between childhood testing of boundaries and child on parent violence? • The issue of powermakes the difference. • “Child on parent violence is an abuse of power through which the child or adolescent attempts to coerce, control or dominate others in the family.” • See Tew and Nixon 2010 & Coogan 2011, 2012.

3. Building Respectful Families • Metropolitan Police reports there were 1,417 cases of young people treated as suspects in acts of violence against their parents in Greater London in 2014. This is a 61 per cent increase in just two years (from 895 in 2012). • The main benefits are keeping families together; reducing vulnerability and offending, minimising the risk of domestic abuse in the future and it is significantly cheaper than putting a child into care • We researched different models and chose Break 4 Change which has been running for 10 years in Brighton

4. Building Respectful Families • The Programme - • The programme consists of two groups running simultaneously: one for parents/carers, and the other for young people. Abuse & Respect Wheels (B4C)

5. Building Respectful Families • The Creative Element • Engaging young people, reinforcing the messages and embedding the learning • Reflective art work • Lyric writing and recording music • Film dialogue,the restorative justice element, for both young people and parents

6. Building Respectful Families • The Families • 7 started the programme and 94% attendance • Multiple needs • Further support needed for some

7. Building Respectful Families • Families Journey - “Things are still difficult with food, but she hesitated in lashing out, she kicked once, then said ‘I need to be away from you’, so I left the room, she didn’t follow me. She used the strategies, she is more aware, she doesn’t want to behave in the way, she does.” (Parents) “It was tough doing the filming, it was very emotional for all the parents, it helped to unite us as parents, it was very valuable in breaking the isolation, being able to reflect.” (Parents)

8. Building Respectful Families • Questions to the families – (YP = Young People, P = Parent/s) • What has been helpful to you? “Learning to control my behaviour” – YP “Talking about it” – YP “The art sessions so I can express my thoughts and feelings in different ways” – YP “Meeting new people with the same problems as myself” – P “Giving new ideas to parents and children, very open debates about extreme situations” – P

9. Building Respectful Families • How did you find the filming aspect? “I think the video was very emotionally powerful and helped the parent/s and child better understand each other.” P – couple “Happy and a bit sad.” – YP “I found it uncomfortable as people saw mine and my parent’s answers, which I find personal. Although it was good to see other people’s answers”. - YP

10. Building Respectful Families • Messages - Hopes, feelings, sharing “To be happy & healthy, to be able to live my life, to have good relationships with my family, my parents, to be less stressed & be able to work, for my mum to be healthy again” – L “Mum I’m sorry, I love you mum” – E “E it was really nice to hear you say ‘I love you’, made me so happy, love you lots.” E’s Parent “J, is the reason I get up every day, my reason for carrying on” – J’s Parent “I didn’t realise I was your reason for carrying on, I’m sorry for hurting you.” – J

11. Building Respectful Families • What we found out • The families found the strategies very useful for example‘I’ messaging • Both parents and young people had felt isolated because of the shame • A reduction in physical assaults because young people had the understanding of the impact of their behaviour • The group work was powerful because the participants felt secure enough to challenge and support each other • One referrer noted that ‘Building Respectful Families has been the best thing for this family’.

12. Building Respectful Families • The final word – we asked, what did you like best, what have you learnt and what would you tell other people about BRF? “That you got to hear other people’s stories and you are not the only one going through problems at home.” YP “to stop hitting.” YP “A lot of stuff, just a lot of stuff. Teaching me how to control my anger.” YP “It has certainly helped us, we have seen a difference in our child at home, we also now have a support network”. P

13. Building Respectful Families • One family’s experience: • “I found the creative session very helpful, it gave me ideas, made me passionate, find peace & become happier. I think it worked really well, & I felt comfortable. I liked that it let me find myself again & distractions to pull myself out of relapse. I loved the resources, the techniques, the choices we could make, the books & the fact that it was separate from the aggression, it was a good distraction method & it made me feel slightly proud, so when I left for home, I felt happy & at peace”. Young Person • “Since we began the programme we have identified our individual strengths and weaknesses as a couple and been able to reflect on areas for development. Our daughter has learnt to manage her feelings more and will now use a variety of communication strategies to gain help when she needs support, for example by sending text messages, when she is struggling rather than letting feelings of anxiety build up. She will now also take time out when needed rather than lash out at others. We are now better at listening more actively and working in partnership with the school to problem solve where needed.” • “We would absolutely recommend the programme to other parents. We have seen many positive outcomes for our family. The opportunity to communicate with others parents has helped us to feel less alone in our difficulties, as we do not have extended family in the area, we have been quite isolated. We are pleased we persevered as the programme has been so worthwhile! We will really miss our weekly sessions and have made a pledge to do something fun as a family every Thursday from now on instead.” Parents

14. Building Respectful Families • Colette Morgan • Email: Colette.morgan@safeproject.org.uk • Tel: 01865 203829 • Mobile: 07419374271