Successful Parenting of At-Risk Children

Successful Parenting of At-Risk Children A guide for Foster Parents and other Caregivers

My Background • M.Ed. In Exceptional Student Education • 23+ years combined experience as a Nanny, Special Educator, Workshop Leader and Tutor • Work with students of all abilities ages Pre-K through Adult • Jikiden Reiki Practitioner • AD/HD subtype with depression component • Adult Child of Alcoholics • AL-ANON • My work is Light-centered and honours all faiths and traditions.

Part One What the Hell have I gotten myself into?

Trauma 101 • Fear • Stability • Boundaries • Addiction • Abuse-Psychological, emotional, physical • Lack of basic needs • Learning and Behaviour issues

First Things First Create a safe, stable living environment for the children-WHATEVER age they are • Safety • Keys for all doors-no locked doors • Consistency • Schedule • Kindness • Compassion • Boundaries

You Must Know What You Are Dealing With! • Child’s records • Family history • When they tell you about themselves BELEIVE them • Medical Conditions • Diagnosed Psychological Conditions • Diagnosed Learning Disabilities and/or Behaviour Disorders • Specific special needs • Dietary Needs/Allergies-these CAN effect behaviour

What you will find out later..... • How the trauma effects them in every way • How they feel about themselves • How they act out • What their patterns are-behaviours, sleeping, eating social/emotional skills and issues • Undiagnosed conditions and issues • Stealing • Hoarding

Now What do I do? Unconditional Stable Regular Schedule: • Regular age-appropriate bed time • Consistent daily, weekly, monthly routine • Meals at a specific time every day • Medication, vitamins, same time every day-put it on the calendar • Family Calendar-include them in creating the schedule • Behaviour charts for EVERY child-whatever age • ALWAYS give as much notice as possible when making a change to a schedule

Why the Same old Boring Routine? • These children have never had a stable schedule • You are helping them heal by providing stability • This will help you take care of you too • Helps create a sense of family that the children need • Will help you act much more effectively in your role • You can improvise with some things but not schedule

Behaviours You Can Expect From Any Child Dealing With Trauma Drama, Drama, Drama Uncontrollable, inconsolable crying In cases of sexual abuse, playing with and throwing feces and /or Inappropriate urination (location) Fighting Hitting Biting Lying Arguing Moodiness Bed wetting Stealing Manipulating Hoarding food, toys, books, clothes, money.... Challenging your authority Inattentiveness Laziness Ignoring you and tuning out Confrontation Hidden improves weapons

De-escalate By Preventing Drama • Start paying attention to triggers • Keep a journal for each child and TAKE NOTES • NEVER EVER YELL at the children-they will shut down on you • Be detached! • DO not EVER hit, slap, react, initiate or create ANY physical confrontation with a child • Speak calmly, clearly and gently NO MATTER WHAT DRAMA IS UNFOLDING • The more upset they get, the calmer you MUST be

When a child is Upset: Step one • Listen to their concerns-no matter how odd, trivial, strange, neurotic or psycho they may sound • You may be the very first human who has EVER listened to them! • RESPECT them-honour their thoughts and feelings as valid-work on changing those things later • Earn their trust by trusting them • Small steps-ask them what they need • Respond with detachment and compassion • If the request is strange but reasonable, honour it

When a child is Upset: Step Two Body Language is KEY! • Legs apart • Palms facing out • Calm open face and demeanour • If need be, sit down cross-legged right there and then with them • Soft voice • Look at them directly and calmly even if you are really angry • Don’t have arms folded or fists clenched-this can trigger them • Speak in a respectful, honest tone-do NOT speak in a condescending manner • Act respectfully-this is a way for you to model behaviours you • want to see from them

When a child is Upset: Step Three What you say MATTERS! • Talk about behaviours, NOT personhood • Talk about effects of behaviours on others • Use simple language • Don’t lecture • Don’t EVER blame • Speak calmly and clearly • Use a loving tone-the children are not used to that • Practice the same skills and use them consistently

Dealing With Unwanted Behaviours Be the change you want in your home!

ADHD 101 • Autism Spectrum Disorder • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder • Subtypes • Medications • Play with the meds till you all get it right-one month to six week trial period: keep a journal • Possible Behaviours and combinations : hyperactivity, laziness, tuned-out, day dreaming, forgetful, irresponsible, risk taking, poor social skills and cues, aggression, shyness, depression, anger, isolation, solitude

Practical Demonstration What AD/HD is like for us: • Unrelenting radio with 30 channels on all at once • Inability to concentrate because of distractions • Poor sleeping patterns-either trouble getting to sleep, trouble waking up, or both

How to REALLY help a child get grounded • Limit any and all computer games and hyper stimulation (Chuck E Cheese) • Limit Cartoon, TV and Computer Time • Physical Activities: Kung Fu, Gymnastics, Swimming, bike riding, anything to get them to move their bodies • Consistent bed time-even if they have trouble sleeping at first-do not waiver • Consistent wake-up time-even if they slept badly • Behaviour chart • Paid (money or tangible rewards) chores, jobs and duties

Time Limits Help Change Behaviours • Whenever you are about to leave a place, start a count-down :20 min. Warning, 10 minute warning, 5 minute warning, 2 minute warning,1 minute and then time to go • When you ask a child to perform a task, give them a time limit and a clock to see when they start and when they are to be finished • Monitor but don’t micro-manage

If there is resistance, be calm, be clear, offer options: --------- • You can choose two things-clean up or time out • Do you want to make your bed first or clean your closet? • You may have a snack and then when the timer goes off, it s time for homework ok? • What do you want to choose? Homework and then game time, or no homework and no game time • What do you need help with?

Play “Fast People”. Use a timer or stop-watch and see how fast they can clean up a mess or complete a task-do NOT use this with homework-EVER • Think of a way to be playful before having to get serious. • If all else fails, do “hand-over-hand”. • Hand over Hand with little ones and kids who don’t want cooperate-gently but firmly take their hand in yours and put their hand on the object to be put away and out it away with them. Do this until they are willing to do it themselves

Physical Confrontations • DO NOT EVER HIT BACK-EVER! • Speak calmly • Speak clearly • Unless the child is 2-5 years old, do not chase them or engage them, it will amp things up • Ask them what happened or what they need • MODEL MODELMODEL-show them the behaviour you want • If the child knew how to act differently they would • Be detached, open , honest and calm

Physical Confrontations • If a child runs to another room and closes and locks a door, DO NOT freak out, but stay at the door and talk to them. Make sure you have a key and give them a 30-second warning that you are coming in • Even if they trash the room, you MUST speak calmly • Tell them when they calm down you will talk about what happened and work it out, then you will help them clean up ( fast people, timer, etc.). They do the putting away, you show them gently where. If they broke something valuable, tell them that, but do it later when they are calm. Tell them how you feel about what happened-speak from the “I”

Aftermath of Drama • No MATTER WHAT-always forgive and mean it • Accept their apology and let them make an amends • Let the punishment fit the crime and then LET IT GO! • You are teaching them and healing them by doing so • For example: horseplay, a lamp gets broken. They clean up the mess, you talk about the value of the lamp and how we do not play rough inside the house. • Logical, natural consequence: Kid buys a new lamp • If the lamp was an heirloom, that’s YOUR problem

Sibling Confrontations • Have them each sit down, and use a talking stick • Whoever has the talking stick speaks without being interrupted • Adult goes first to model and lay the ground rules: • No name calling • No rude or disrespect to you or others • Speak from the “I” ( I feel like this when you do this”) • Talk about feelings and actions, not personhood • Applaud them working it out and offer them a treat (sticker, bookmark, something from the prize box-NOT FOOD)

Summary • Model the behaviour you want • Be age appropriate in your expectations • Do not pity them, respect them • Tell the truth-model it • Keep a schedule • Be consistent • Be respectful of boundaries and model them • Talk about feelings and behaviours-model that for them • Be patients • Be detached • Have no expectations either way

Behaviour Charts • These help teach consistent behaviours • Chores • Homework • Behaviour changes • Bed time • Sibling or social interactions • Food or eating issues • Violent or negative behaviours

Behaviour Contracts for Teens • Make language about mutual respect and trust • House rules • Personal habits • Phone calls home if late • Curfew • Logical natural consequences agreed upon and signed by both parents and children ( i.e. : cell phones for cell phones, grounded for curfew, car for car etc.) • They are in charge of showing you they can do it-it is up to them

God Bless you for what you do!

Successful Parenting of At-Risk Children