Sexuality in Marriage

1. Sexuality in Marriage God’s Intention for Couples

2. Be a Safe Person • The most important part of all of this is YOU. Are you trustworthy? Can you be trusted to not glibly share someone else’s story and secrets in casual conversation? Every woman I know has been caught out blabbing someone else’s secrets at some point in her life. Has God done the work in you yet that you are a safe place? Each of our stories are sacred, and holy. Our pains and shame often go deep. It is a tremendous betrayal for us to tell someone else’s story to friend or family member. • Please be honest with yourself. If you are known as the town crier and tell others things that are not your business, please allow God to work on this in you first, before you join a workshop. We owe it to one another to respect the sanctity of each other’s story.

3. Keep One Another’s Confidences • Our Group is Confidential and Anonymous. • Should you meet another member outside the group while with friends or family, it is important that you do not disclose how you are acquainted with one another. • Should you be asked, saying you know them “from church” is suggested. Since we are all the body of Christ and therefore “the church”, saying so is an appropriate and true response. • It is up to each individual if and when they want to publicly come “forward” to speak about abuse.

4. Each person may “pass” if they do not want to talk, no questions asked.

5. Our sexuality is often tangled in shame and lies. There is no perfect relationship. Often we untangle one small link at a time.

6. Be Gentle with Yourself • The Process takes time. • The goal is to improve intimacy over time. • Give yourself pep talks praising growth. Learning to give and receive sexual satisfaction and intimacy in marriage may take time.

7. SEX - Three Components • Emotional Connection- with one you trust. • Spiritual Connection – two become one flesh. • Physical Connection - of sharing each other’s bodies for pleasure.

8. Some Common Struggles After Abuse 1. Difficulties with intimacy 2. Problems with affection 3. Compulsive Sexual Behavior 4. Promiscuity and the accompanying shame. 5. Difficulty with arousal, touch and/or orgasm 6. Sadistic or masochistic tendencies 7. Difficulty setting sexual boundaries in marriage. 8. Being silent and not communicating wants and needs.

9. Psychological Struggles • Depression • Body Image issues • Eating disorders • Addictions • Objectifying one’s body and allowing others to do so. • Ambivalence regarding sex. Catch 22

10. The Catch 22 – Sexual Intimacy • …3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4Thewifedoes nothave authority overherownbody,butthehusband.Likewisethehusbanddoes nothave authority overhisownbody,butthewife.5Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control.… 1Cor.7:4 • Our Bodies are intended for one another, yet we need healing.

11. Appropriate Boundaries • No ”others” real or pornographic. • What each of you says are your limits is appropriate. There is no right or wrong. What the individual feels comfortable with is what is right. The limits may change as healing ebbs and flows. • The sexual pleasure of a one partner should not require the other partner to endure pain or shame. • (If one is struggling with attacks of shame, communication of what is “okay” is crucial and to be respected during this time.)

12. “It” Won’t ALWAYS Be a Struggle • Husbands are part of the healing. • Educate and communicate…BOUNDARIES • A time of abstinence may be needed to build trust and affection. • Communication of triggers are necessary. • Establishing intimacy and having a safe sexual relationship with a trusted spouse lowers anxiety, phycological problems, and depression.

13. Struggles • 1. Triggers: Smell, positions, particular types of touch. • 2. The intimacy of relationship; willingness to be vulnerable. • 3. Memories and battling flashbacks robs us of the moment. • 4. Sense that sex is dirty or disgusting. • 5. Being in your head battling and evaluating rather than in the moment with your spouse.

14. Dealing with Guilt and Shame Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. NIV Proverbs 4:23 Deal with appropriate guilt and then be done. • Have I come before God with this particular sin to receive insight and release from guilt? • Have I made peace with my brother? Have I made amends with the one I sinned against? As Andy Stanley would say, “Guilt, you Are Not The Boss of Me.” “I am not the Boss of Me.” ”God is the Boss of Me and HE says, ‘Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus’.”

15. YES Ask yourself . NO Have I traced my heart belief behind the sin and confessed before God? Have I owned it and made restitution to the one I sinned against? If you confess your sin he will forgive you and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Reconciliation definition : the action of making one view or belief compatible with another.

16. Winning our Restoration Be Educated about God’s Design for Couples. • The Marriage Bed is Undefiled. (a command and an impartation) • The Bride and Groom are naked and unashamed. • There are no rules so long as couples are one and in agreement.

17. Restoration Steps Prayer 1. Pray before lovemaking (together if possible). Tell shame to be far from you and bind it, as well as flashbacks and memories in the Name of Jesus.

18. Restoration Steps Own your Sexuality Prayer I believe that my sexuality is a God given gift for me and my husband to share. I refuse to allow the enemy to steal this from me any longer. I chose now to love my body, to love myself, to love my husband, freely and unashamed. I receive freedom from you God and trust you now to hold the enemy from me during our intimate time. I freely receive and give the pleasure you intend for us as we become one flesh.

19. The Mind – A Common Problem • 1. Women are multi-taskers. Our minds can travel in many directions at once. This can hinder intimacy. • 2. For psychological protection we may have disassociated during intimacy. It is now difficult to be present during sex. • 3. We may have used pornography or fantasy to avoid being fully present in our love-making. • 4. We may struggle to give over the control of orgasm to another.

20. Don’t Detach - Instead Attach Your Mind Can Hold one Thought at a Time • Own your desire within your own mind and heart. • Example “I like’, ”I want”, “I enjoy”. • Think sexy thoughts. Song of Songs is full of the thoughts the Bridegroom and the Shulamite woman had about one another. • The more you focus your mind on exactly what is going on, the less you will go off in your mind and be attacked. • Concentrate of the Emotional, Spiritual as well as Physical aspects of Love making.

21. God placed within the spouse the ability to meet one another’s need. Women Men Doorway to Intimacy

23. God’s Gift – Sexual Intimacy in Marriage • Adam and Eve discovered one another in the garden and it was Good. • God is not boring, prudish, or ashamed of sex. To make the mating procedure whereby procreation takes place an experience of intense attraction, intense bonding, and intense pleasure was his idea! https://www.esv.org/resources/esv-global-study-bible/global-message-of-the-song-of-solomon/ • Song of Songs 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. The woman speaks of her love and desire for her beloved. • Our model comes from the Song of Songs.

24. Radical Song of Songs [There is] full equality ("one-fleshness") between husband and wife set forth in Gen 2:24, … After sin, God appointed the husband to "rule" (masal)--in the sense of "protect, love, care for," rather than "subju- gate, coerce, tyrannize"--as a blessing for the maintenance of union and preservation of harmony within the marriage setting.

25. The Song of Songs gives an equality to men and women and models sexual freedom and delight. As an apple tree among the trees of the wood,             so is my beloved among young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow,             and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Sitting in the shade under the apple tree is a metaphor for provision and protection. Both needs of the spouse are met in this scripture.

26. I am my beloved’s and he is mine. And his banner over me is love.

27. Create a a picture of God’s ideal for marital sexuality. Work in groups. Picture should include… A banner of love. The equality of the marriage bed God’s design to meet each others needs. A boundary symbolizing what is allowed and what is kept out of the sacred bed. Materials: Wrapping paper as a banner. Glue or glue sticks String Markers and pens Clothes pins to hold string and make fence cardboard to make “bed”

28. OR

29. ART – Create a flower or garden scene. • Use paper, scissors and glue to create a blossoming flower or a garden scene. • Model the unfolding and deepening of trust, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy by labeling the flowers or petals of the flowers. • Consider having discarded petals labeling what is falling away from the past as you are healing in your intimate relationship.