Divorce/Qualities of a Successful Marriage

1. Divorce/Qualities of a Successful Marriage

2. Divorce

3. Probability of Divorce: Social and Demographic Factors • Marital Age and Childbearing • earlier marriages are at higher risk • marriages where there is premarital childbirth are at higher risk • Religion, Socioeconomic Status, Race • those who attend church/religious institutions regularly have lower divorce rates • interfaith marriages have higher divorce rates • men earning less income and women earning median income have higher divorce rates • African-Americans have highest divorce rates, Caucasians are in the middle, Mexican-Americans have the lowest divorce rates (do not have stats on Asians, Middle Easterners, or other ethnic groups)

4. Geographic Area • divorce highest in the West, next highest in the South • divorce higher in big cities than rural areas • Parental Divorce • divorce higher if parents got divorced • Presence of Children • risk of divorce decreases with increasing numbers of children up to 5 and then increases • risk of divorce is lowest when children below 3 years, highest when children in midteens, lower again after children reach 17 years

5. Causes of Divorce (see overhead) • Wife • Husband • Therapists – communication, unrealistic expectations, power, individual problems, role conflict, lack of loving feelings, affection demonstration, alcoholism, affairs, sex • Process of Disaffection • the beginning phase – disappointment, disillusionment, hurt and anger • the middle phase – anger and hurt increase, people expect negative behavior from partner, both become apathetic, attempts to please partner lessen • the end phase – anger is frequently reported, feelings of trust decline, helplessness increases

6. The Divorce Decision – • Factors to Consider – • satisfaction or attractions of the marriage • barriers to getting out • attractiveness of alternatives to marriage

7. Alternatives to divorce • marital counseling • marital enrichment • structured separation – couples separate temporarily and come together with counseling to interrupt old interactional patterns • reasons for a structured separation – extreme conflict, absence of spouse reinforcement, feeling smothered by jealousy or control, midlife crisis, indecision regarding divorce

8. Legal issues • No fault divorce – irreconcilable differences caused breakdown of the marriage, no one at fault (as opposed to adversarial approach) • Property and money • Alimony and child support • Mediation vs. legal process

9. Adult Adjustment – • Emotional trauma – a great deal of loss and a sense of failure, low self esteem • Attitudes of society – can be judgmental, marital community may be rejecting • Loneliness and readjustment • Finances – women go down in financial status, men go up • Realignment of responsibilities and work roles • Sexual readjustments • Contacts with exspouse • Kinship interaction

10. Child Adjustment • most of the emotional and academic problems occur in the first 6 months to two years, boys act out more • some indication of long term trust issues in relationships but no conclusive data • worst emotional outcome when marital conflict was low or nonexistent and it comes as a surprise to the children

11. Qualities of a Successful Marriage

12. How do you evaluate marital success? • Durability? • Approximation of Ideals? • Fulfillment of Individual Needs? • Marital satisfaction – the extent to which couples are satisfied with the marriage – best indicator

13. 12 Qualities of a Successful Marriage (as determined by 3 large studies on marriage) • Commitment – high degree of motivation to make the marriage work and a willingness to expend personal time and energy to make sure it does • commitment to self • commitment of partners to each other • commitment to the relationship, marriage and family

14. Honesty, trust, fidelity –takes time to get established and can be ruined with one dishonest action of enough severity • Responsibility • should be equal division of labor • gender role performance should match expectations • Adaptability, flexibility, tolerance – can allow for growth and change in a spouse and adapt to outside stressors or circumstances

15. Unselfishness – giving of yourself but not too much • Communication – listening, sharing feelings, giving clear messages, etc. • Empathy, sensitivity – ability to identify with feelings and thoughts of another • Admiration, respect – accepting, appreciating, liking, and being respectful of another’s differences

16. Affection – couples must meet each other’s need for physical and verbal affection • Companionship – spending time together, sharing interests and activities, enjoying each other • Ability to deal with crises, stress – must be able to constructively deal with frustration and anger without taking it out on others • Spirituality and values – religious orientation, similar beliefs and values