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Follow Connor as he navigates his struggles with mental health, explores his feelings, and shares his experiences with Dr. Sherman. Through his letters, he learns to be kinder to himself and find hope in the midst of despair.
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“Better to burn out, right, than fade away?” -Kurt Cobain
Dr. Sherman’s Advice • “You don’t have to know. That’s the point of the exercise. To explore. For example, you could start with something like, Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why. And then go from there” (7). • “The problem with talking with Dr. Sherman, though, is I’m bad at it. I sit there, struggling to squeeze out even the simplest monosyllabic answers. I assume that’s why he suggested I write these letters to myself. He told me it might be a better way of extracting my feelings and could also help me learn to be a little easier on myself” (15). • “I can’t show it to Dr. Sherman. He keeps asking me to seek optimism and this letter is nothing hut hopelessness and despair. I know I’m supposed to share my feelings with Dr. Sherman, and make my mom happy, but they don’t want my actual feelings. They just want me to be okay or, at least, say that I am” (33).
Connor vs Evan (p.24-25) • What assumptions does Evan make about Connor? Are they fair? • What observations do we make about Connor from this first encounter? Are they accurate? Does Connor just hate Evan or is something else happening here? • Is this encounter common on the high school campus? In what ways do we make assumptions that aren’t accurate? How could we avoid that?
How does social media play into the quotes below? What damage does this do to our self-esteem? • “Of course it sounded good. Fantasies always sound good, but they’re no help when reality comes and shoves you to the ground. When it trips up our tongue and traps the right words in your head. When it leaves you to eat lunch by yourself” (30). • “Now we can both pretend we have friends” (35).
Why does Evan lie to Connor’s parents? Murphys Evan “I look around, for what, I’m not sure: help. There’s no one. No sign of Mr. Howard” (59). “I can’t help her, this woman; she’s broken, completely, and I care, I really do, I understand, as much as I can, but I don’t know how to be here with her, with them, with myself” (61). • “Connor wrote this to you”(58). • “He’s obviously in shock” (60). • “`This is all we have,’ she says. This is the only thing we have left’” (61). • “It’s true. It really is true. His ‘best and most dearest friend” (62).
“I wish that everything was different. I wish that I were a part of something. I wish that what I said mattered – to anyone” (59). • Reflect on a time when you felt like this. How do you handle it? • During the conversation, Evan tries to share the fact that Connor didn’t write that letter. Do you believe Evan tried? Tried hard enough? Why doesn’t it happen? What evidence from the chapter supports your stance?
Connor’s Commentary • What do we learn about the dynamics of Connor’s family? • What does the incident with the deer/tree reveal about Connor? • “I’m free now. No one in my way. No one waiting around a corner, setting trap. No one checking for redness in my eyes. Asking where I’ve been all night. Making promises”(67). How does this quote express all of Connor’s reasons? What are they? • What is his message with the final statement of this chapter: “And here we are” (68)?
“full of sound and fury, signifying nothing” (138). Explain this quote that Connor uses from Macbeth in your own words. Relate it to something in your own life.
“It’s a weird felling, knowing that Connor and I both read the same book. It’s possible I had more in common with him than I have with most kids at school” (156). • List similarities between Connor and Evan.
“What I do know for sure is that these people all seem to have a desperate desire to connect with someone” (239). • Who doesn’t have a “desperate desire to connect” with people? • Do we all have this desire? Do you think this is more true in the age of technology than ever? • Are we losing the ability to connect with others?
Evan + Zoe = ? • As the relationship progresses into something between these two, how does it play into Evan’s lying? • Evan remembers the lines from her song, “What came before won’t count anymore, or matter. Can we try that?”(264). • How does Zoe mean this line compared to how Evan hears this line? • What is ironic about this relationship that has developed between Evan and Zoe? Give several examples of irony.
REAL • Several times throughout the story we hear certain characters or times described as “Real”. What do you think that means? How would you describe “real”? • Refer to Ch. vii with Miguel: What do we learn about Connor’s ability to be real and how he handles this? • Do you think this is common in our society? How many “real” people do you know and what makes them so?
Evan works through his options: • “But I’ve already played it out in my head, over and over, the act of totally coming clean, leaving nothing unsaid, and each time I do, I reach the same terrifying conclusion: it’ll all be gone. I’ll be back where I started. No Murphys. No Zoe. No friends. Nobody. Nothing. Alone” (293). • “And they’ll be left alone again, too. Left with the same nothingness. No comfort. No hope. They’ll be robbed of all the solace they’ve gained these last few weeks. It’ll leave them devastated once again. The way they were when I first met them. Before we built this community of alienated souls. Before everything changed for the better. For all of us” (294).
Coming Clean • As Evan listens to the family falling apart around him, he “stare[s] ahead. Listening. Not listening. In my daze, I barely register the object at the center of the table, the table I’ve been sitting at now for over an hour, the table I’ve somehow, against all odds and sense, been invited to eat at night after night for weeks. I don’t see the object and then I do. It’s the source of everything. The thing that made me the liar that I am: an apple. . . Now they are the harshest reminder of the truth. . . I turn away. I can’t bear to look at it. At myself. At what I’ve done. What have I done?” (305).
Evan admits everything (306-309). Why now? “`Please leave.’ It’s the please that destroys me”(309). Explain why Evan says this.
“Own it”(312). Chapter viii • What is Connor’s message to Evan? How have Connor’s observations and attitude about Evan evolved throughout the story? What does his interaction with Evan at this point tell us about his own decision to end his life?
“I felt swallowed by the swarm. Surrounded by all these people and somehow lonelier than ever. None of them saw me or knew me” (324). Signs and Symptoms: • Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online or buying a gun • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain • Talking about being a burden to others • Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs • Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly • Sleeping too little or too much • Withdrawing or isolating themselves • Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge • Extreme mood swings
“Today is going to be a good day and here’s why . . . Because today, no matter what else, you’re you. No hiding. No lying. Just you. And that’s enough” (333). • “We’re weaving in between trees, careful not to disturb, on a mission. We mean no trouble. There are so many of us, the lonely souls. All of us who helped build this. Those who will watch it grow. Those we’ve lost. We march on together. Climbing, falling, soaring. Trying to get closer to the center of everything. Closer to ourselves. Close to each other. Closer to something true” (358).
