Transitions in Sexuality for Persons with Disabilities… OR

Transitions in Sexuality for Persons with Disabilities…OR Deborah Jean Harding, Ph.D., LPC: Associate Professor at Amarillo College and ED of Win-Win-Win Educational & Research Consultants MOTIVATION COMMUNICATION SKILL

What to do when “that Sweet Little Kitten….

…becomes a MANGYOLD TOMCAT!” (quote from parent of “teen” with cerebral palsy)

WELCOME! Presentation given Thursday, April 24, 2014 at the Twogether Consulting 2nd Annual IDD Provider & Family Resource Conference” (HOUSTON,TX)

All families will deal with sexuality…….one way or another!

…you will deal with your own sexuality and that of your family members and those you care for! No matter who you are…. AND THAT MEANS… EVEN THOSE OF US WHO ARE IN THE FIELD OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT and WHO CARE FOR OTHER HUMANS will deal with this!

IT’S IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE THAT ALL FAMILIES HAVE… • COMPETENCIES • Strengths, abilities, motivations, goals • VULNERABILITIES • Weaknesses, situations, blind spots • STYLES OF COPING • Direct, motivated, knowledgeable • Indirect, unmotivated, unknowledgeable • STYLES OF COMMUNICATING • Open, clear, concise • Closed, obscure, indirect

ALL OF US HAVE WAYS OF DEALING WITH SEXUALITY… • There is the Ostrich head in the sand! • and the “Group Ostrich”…let’s vote! ONE METHOD: THE MOTION HAS BEEN MADE AND SECONDED THAT WE ALL STICK OUR HEADS IN THE SAND!

STYLES OF DEALING WITH SEXUALITY… • Then there is the “HAIR ON FIRE” approach…. …over-reaction, drama and crisis! MOST OF US REALIZE THAT OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED FOR SEXUALITY… IT’S NATURAL! CALM DOWN!!!!! YOU DID WHAT?

STYLES OF DEALING WITH SEXUALITY… • Then there is the “HELL IS ON FIRE…DO ASI SAY, NOT AS I DO” SERMON…. NONE OF THESE STYLES ARE VERY HELPFUL WHEN DEALING WITH THE NATURAL EXPERIENCES OF SEXUALITY IN THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT! DO AS I SAY… NOT AS I DO

ALL FAMILIES DEAL WITH SEXUALITY EFFECTIVELY OR INEFFECTIVELY… WHAT’S UNIQUE FOR FAMILIES OF PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES IS THE LACK OF CULTURAL TRANSMISSIONS AS TO WHAT IS APPROPRIATE! THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN! YOU CAN HELP! Btw…COME SEE THE SESSIONS!

THE SESSIONS! • We will be showing THE SESSIONS from 3:00 to 4:15 right after this presentation, in this room • An incredible film about a young man who decides to take his “sexual” desires to the next level. • With John Hawke, William Macy and Helen Hunt:

The ROLE of a family is to… • Provide a sense of belonging…a place to stand • Provide a sense of being separate…you can go into the world and be who you want to be • ASSIST MEMBERS IN DEVELOPING COMPETENCE AND POWER • Adults are ALSO there to “protect” the child • L. K. Frank, founder of Child Development in U.S. • Protection from the biases of society • Protection from harm • Protection from harm is not same as preventing someone from maturing and growing up! KNOWLEDGE & EMPOWERING INDIVIDUAL TO BE COMPETENT are the BEST FORMS OF PROTECTION

YOUR CLIENTS and/ or FAMILY MEMBERS MAY COME TO YOU FOR GUIDANCE…. • Some families don’t know there is an issue and are not motivated to know more. • Some families know, but ignore and deny issues • Some families want to deal with it, but lack strategy and tactics to deal with problems/issues or have specific issues in the family that leave the family vulnerable in some ways • Some families do a pretty good job of problem solving, create strategies, dialogue, and are open and motivated to solve problems.

ABILITY TO COPE KNOWLEDGE/SKILL/STRATEGY BASE M O T IVAT I O N T O C O P E Low Medium High • Motivated to cope • Lacks strategies/ • skills, knowledge • May have specific • vulnerabilities/ • obstacles • (eg: single parent, • severe poverty, etc) High Medium Low • Motivated to cope • Develops strategies • Accesses resources • Works on skills, reads • to gain knowledge • Unmotivated to cope with issues, • Lacks knowledge, • skills, strategies • and communication, • Doesn’t seek out • resources/guidance • Has knowledge, access • to resources, skills, • strategies, tactics • NOT motivated • to cope, to grow, and • recognize issue • MAY be motivated • to keep family member • dependent

ABILITY TO COPE KNOWLEDGE/SKILL/STRATEGY BASE M O T IVAT I O N T O C O P E Low Medium High • Family B • Disability: Deaf/blind son from birth • Motivated to deal with son’s sexuality • Need to work on • strategies to deal • with puberty, sexuality • and masturbation. • Family D • Disability: son with • midbrain damage • Desire to cope & deal • with sexuality in sons • Have knowledge, skill, communication to help sons become • competent adults. High Medium Low • Family A • Disability: Severe learning disability • Mild IDD • Ignore, pray, deny • Family shamed sexuality whileacting out sexually, chaotic • NEEDS BOTH! • Family C: • Disability: Cerebral palsy • Father in the profession & puberty scared him..“My cuddly little kitten” comment • Needs work on • motivation

SO….AS PARENTS, PROFESSIONALS & CAREGIVERS…. HOW CAN WE HELP?

Normalizing Sexual Development • Normalizing sexuality • All brains of all people are pre-wired for two things to continue the species • IMMEDIATE SURVIVAL (fight and flight) • LONG TERM SURVIVAL ~ SEXUALITY • Bridging the families style of coping and communicating WITH THE FACTS • Using correct terminology PROTECTS and EMPOWERS FAMILY MEMBERS

It’s our job to…MODEL COMPETENCE • The list of ways we can help MUST BE MODELED FIRST BY YOU! • The greatest gift you can give your “clients” is to MODEL these behaviors! • MONKEY SEE…MONKEY DO! • Then, we teach them to MODEL for their loved one!

Help Families KNOW the FACTS and WHAT TO EXPECT • FACTS: JUST LIKE PEOPLE WITHOUT DISABILITIES are CRITICAL! • KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES • #1: FEEL THE DESIRE TO HAVE SEX • # 2: WANT TO BE ADULTS and BE INDEPENDENT AND POWERFUL PEOPLE • #3: HAVE NORMAL and CONTROLLABLE SEXUAL URGES

EMPOWERING FAMILIES TO EMPOWER FAMILY MEMBERS • BE REAL … • BASED IN FACTS • Pretending is dangerous • EVERYONE is SEXUAL • BE AUTHENTIC… • KNOW YOUR OWN VALUES AND BELIEFS • BE ASSERTIVE… • HAVE YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES IN PLACE (what you will and won’t discuss) • BE ACCURATE… • Use ONLY CORRECT TERMINOLOGY • Research shows individuals who know correct terminology more likely to report abuse

EMPOWERING FAMILIES TO EMPOWER FAMILY MEMBERS • BE READY… • Start discussing sexuality when your child is young at the appropriate level • BE TIMELY… • pick right time and place to have discussion • BE CLEAR… • …about who is who in the family. • A child’s father is not “DADDY” to “MOMMY”…he’s MOMMY’s HUSBAND! • BE VISUAL…. • use appropriate and accurate visual aids, books, photos

EMPOWERING FAMILIES TO EMPOWER FAMILY MEMBERS • BE AWARE… • Find teaching moments and situations to discuss sexuality (Aunt Mary’s pregnancy) • BE HONEST… • When you don’t know, say so! • Let’s find out together • BE SUPPORTIVE… • Value your child/family members feelings, questions, concerns, ideas

EMPOWERING FAMILIES TO EMPOWER FAMILY MEMBERS • BE WILLING…. • To repeat yourself over time • To add depth to the conversation as the individual matures and is ready • BE RESOURCEFUL… • Use resources out there (bookstores, libraries, universities, college, local organizations, ONLINE (caution!)

Specific Tips for Building Competence in Persons with Disabilities • Talk to the mental and psychological age of the individual, but DEAL IN REALITY WITH THEIR PHYSICAL AGE! • Jane has MA of 8 but is 18 years of age • We need to describe abuse, sexuality in terms of the 8 year old but deal with potential pregnancy etc. • Join the family and/or client where they are at….. • EG: If they are religious, we can talk about Jesus and his desire to protect children! • Then SHARE THE FACTS that correct terminology and knowledge PROTECTS all children, and, most especially those with a disability!

Specific Issues • Masturbation: • Create a safe AND PRIVATE PLACE • Teach hygiene • Explain what happens in masturbation • Normalize experience for the teen/child • LEARN THE FACTS YOURSELF!

KNOW THE FACTS ABOUT SEXUAL VIOLENCE • 33% to 40% of sexual offenders against persons with disabilities are service providers! • Staff members, attendants & PSYCHIATRISTS • 20% are friends and neighbors of the victims or babysitters • 25% are family members (sad reality) • 10% to 40% are other persons with disabilities • 82% of victims are female, 91% offenders are male

KNOW THE FACTS ABOUT SEXUAL VIOLENCE • EMPOWEROING POTENTIAL VICTIMS: • Our VICTIMS need to know what “PERPETRATORS LOOK LIKE!” • Straight talk is important! • Knowing differences between good and bad touch. • KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

Creating Resources • Creating a Community Resource Center for persons with disabilities • Use theSexual Assault Training Manual from the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault • Creating literature, online links, books, videos, handouts to help parents • Using formal and informal assessments to help families recognize their styles • F.A.C.E.S.-IV Assessment • Keirsey Temperament Sorter • Coping/Knowledge Model

CREATING RESOURCES Creating Resources • To access the Sexual Assault Training Manual from the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault, an excellent resource, GO TO: http://www.taasa.org/member/pdfs/saatm-eng.pdf

Articles to Read • Cole, S. S. (Fall-Winter, 84-86). Facing the challenges of sexual abuse in persons with disabilities. Sexuality and Disabilities, 7-3/4, 71-88. • FAQs of Reporting Abuse/Neglect of People with Disabilities, Illinois Department of Human Services, Retrieve at: http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=29428 • WHO/UNFPA (2009). Promoting sexual and reproductive health for persons with disabililites. Retrieve from http://www.unfpa.org/public/publications/pid/385 • NICHCY (March 2010) Sexuality Education for Students with Disabilties. Retrieve from • http://nichcy.org/schools-adminstrators/sexed

WEBSITES • Getting Pregnant: Retrieved from:http://www.sexualityanddisability.org/reproduction/getting-pregnant.aspx • TEEN PREGNANCY in ADOLESCENTS WITH DISABILITIES. Retrieved from • http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/styles/iidc/defiles/INSTRC/Fact_Sheet_Teen_Pregnancy_with_Disability.pdf

Information • Dr. Deborah Jean Harding • Email: djharding@actx.edu • Cell: (806) 584-7569 • I am happy to consult with you about the information presented in this program! Just see me after the workshop!

Questions and Comments ?

Transitions in Sexuality for Persons with Disabilities… OR