Effective Communication in Difficult Situations

Effective Communication in Difficult Situations Presented by The Lawyers Assistance Program Facilitated by Robert Bircher

Effective Communication in Difficult Situations • When you are feeling happy and close to someone it is easy to communicate well • When there is a strong disagreement or a conflict, especially if it is highly emotionally charged, things are very different • Most people get defensive or evasive very quickly • Many, if not most of us, go to our own idiosyncratic ways

Effective Communication in Difficult Situations • See the Characteristics of Bad Communication-find your own favorites! • E.g.. Passive Aggressive-Torturing others so I can avoid my own self assertion • Denial-”I really don’t mind your abuse-really, I don’t” • Self-blame-”You’re right I am a terrible person” • As anger increases, good judgment decreases

Effective and Ineffective Communication • Good communication has two characteristics: Expressing your own feelings openly and directly, and Acknowledging the other person’s feelings • This is absolutely critical in high tension situations • Arguing; Being Defensive or “Convincing” are fatal here • This is not easy for Lawyers who want to “build a case” • Let’s practice this Exercise #1- Workbook

Intimate Communication Skills • “Intimate” here means being personal and being self revealing not coming from a place of power and control • Appropriate for situations like helping others or if you want to be closer to another person • Obviously inappropriate for court • Five principle skills that will transform your ability to help others and vastly improve your relationships

Five Key Skills • 1.-Disarming Technique • 2.-Empathy-thought empathy and feeling empathy • 3.-Inquiry • 4.-”I Feel” Statements • 5.-Stroking • The first 3 are listening skills and the next 2 are self expression skills • Tend to be easy in theory-Very difficult to practise-nontheless few conflicts will be truly resolved without them

Disarming • Most difficult-most powerful conflict resolution skill • Finding at least some truth in what the other person is saying • Especially effective when you feel criticized and attacked • Takes wind out of other persons sails and has a calming effect • Changes meta-negotiation from adversarial to collaborative almost immediately • Requires that you resist the urge to argue and defend yourself

Disarming-2 • Paradoxically by agreeing, you are more likely to have the other person listen to your point of view • Arguing almost never works • Agreeing always builds rapport • Problem is to resist your EGO-the part that wants to be right and defend itself • Why should I agree with someone who is being unreasonable? • You don’t-you can choose to be “right”-and sacrifice the relationship! • You can take the Lawyer out of the courtroom but can you take the courtroom out of the Lawyer?

Disarming-3 • What you are really doing here is making the “connection” more important than ego gratification • Arguing results in polarization and extreme positions-people don’t feel listened to • Disarming shows that you respect them-and appreciate (not necessarily agree with) the others point of view • Lets practice this-exercise #2

Empathy • Feeling close and identified with another, seeing oneself mirrored in the other • Pity or sympathy involves elevating oneself and is a power orientation • Thought empathy-mirror what a person is saying without judgment-goal is understanding only-not arguing or defending

Empathy-2 • Feeling empathy-a reflection of the others emotions about the issue-often shown by voice tone or body language • Noticing the reality of others without reacting or judging • You can ask a question to confirm ”I can imagine you are angry with me, is that true?” • You could say ”I would feel the same if that happened to me”

Empathy-3 • Not about agreeing or disagreeing-necessary to turn off the judgmental part of you • Accept the others feelings without hostility or defensiveness • Barristers note! Empathy and Disarming are about understanding-not about conceding or giving up your point of view • Exercise #3

Inquiry • Most people have an intense fear of expressing negative feelings openly-they avoid telling you that they are angry with you • Unfortunately these feelings don’t vanish-they get acted out-creating passive aggressive behavior • Obvious in children, more subtle in adults • This can be avoided by asking them to tell you more about their negative feelings

Inquiry-2 • Ask for details about what makes them feel upset, how often, how do they feel about it • Ask them to tell you directly what you said or did that hurt their feelings • Obviously this takes courage and character-most people want to avoid anger and conflict • “Nice people” don’t fight or get mad is a common belief • Exercise #4

“I Feel” Statements • Rather than be defensive or arguing express yourself with “I Feel-------- .” • Example “I feel angry" I feel put down" “I feel coerced" “I feel misunderstood” “I feel attacked” • Vulnerable feelings-”I feel rejected” “I feel unloved" I “feel inadequate” • Opposite is a you statement" you piss me off" “You have no right to say that”

“ I Feel” Statements-2 • You statements sound critical, blaming, and defensive • Pretty much guarantee a fight or argument • When we feel attacked it is easier to say “screw you” than” I feel really annoyed about this. Lets talk it out • Sharing our anger makes us vulnerable-a defense and counterattack is about being “right” and protecting ego

“I Feel Statements”-3 • Skill is best used when you find yourself getting defensive or argumentative • Temptation is to defend your “truth”-”I am totally right about this" Result of this is predictable • Often your “truth” is a disguised form of anger • If you state your feelings you are less likely to act them out i.e.. Pouting, Silent Treatment, Sarcasm ,Criticism Etc

“I Feel”Statements-4 • Negative feelings-concerned, frustrated, angry, uncomfortable • Vulnerable feelings- sad, hurt, rejected, intimidated, unloved • Wishes-”I would like to spend more time with you” “I want to feel close to you” • Exercise #5

Stroking • People want to be cared about and appreciated • People fear being put down or judged • Stroking means letting them know you respect them and they are important to you even though you disagree with them or are angry with them at this time. • Attacking them personally is very different from commenting negatively on something they are doing or thinking

Stroking-2 • Real communication results from the spirit of genuine respect for yourself and the other person • Any technique will fail if you really want to blame, to be “right” or attack the other • If the “technique” is not working, be honest about your intent • If you want the problem solved these will work • Exercise#6

How to deal with difficult people • 1.-Someone who refuses to talk to you • Insisting that they talk won‘t work • Empathize and ask why they don’t want to” It must be hard to talk things over when you feel criticized, is that how you feel?” or “I see that you don’t want to talk right now, maybe you think I am not an easy person to talk to, is that so?”

Someone who refuses to talk… • Plan B-If they still won’t talk, agree that this is not a good time, emphasize that some communication is needed and suggest that you talk things over at a later time • “I can see you’re not in the mood to talk now, I respect that, everyone needs alone time, but we do have something to talk over which we can do sometime in the next day or so.” • Exercise#7

How to deal with difficult people-2 • 2.-People who are hostile • Your first reaction is usually to be defensive and blast back-thiswon’t work • Listen and hear the truth in what the other person is saying-Then change the focus to express your feelings about how you are being treated • “ I’m feeling put down right now. Your tone of voice has a sharp edge to it”

Hostile People • Think in terms of sharing the way you feel instead of attacking the other person • If you say “You’re putting me down” it makes you sound like a victim and will infuriate the other person • Use feeling empathy and inquiry “It sounds like you’re pretty annoyed with me. I want you to tell me what I did that turned you off. I suspect you’ve got a good reason to be ticked off with me”

Hostile People-2 • Ultimately hostile people are just as afraid of intimacy as passive aggressive people-they just lash out instead of expressing fear and vulnerability • One road is to be hostile and defensive (to win and even the score) • The other road is self esteem and respect for the other-by sharing your own angry feelings and listening to the hurt feelings of the other • Exercise#8

How to deal with difficult people-3 • 3.-People who are critical and judgmental • Since most of us base our self esteem on the approval of others criticism feels like a blow to our egos • Defensiveness and a counter-argument won’t work • What does work-Disarm-find some truth in what they are saying-use empathy and inquiry-express your feelings with “I feel” statements

Critical and judgmental people • Encourage them to get all of the anger and dissatisfaction out • Your ego will likely rebel against this • Tell the person how you feel “I feel defensive right now” or “I am feeling put down right now”” I feel angry” but add “I know there is a lot of truth in what you are saying” • Exercise#9

How to deal with difficult people-4 • 4.-Complainers • If you try to cheer them up they bitch even more-If you give advice they say” that won’t work” • Complainers are asking to be listened to-they usually don’t want advice • Disarming is very effective here • Simply listen-don’t help • Exercise#10

How to deal with difficult people-5 • 5.-Stubborn and Argumentative People • “My spouse always has to be ‘right’”-Promotion of your own ideas and trying to persuade the other person that they should listen to you never works • If people don’t feel listened to they knock harder at the door until they do feel listened to • The problem will disappear if you use disarming, empathy, and inquiry • Exercise#11

Workbook Exercises • Make up brief background facts • Speaker plays the role with gusto! • Responder gives Typical Response-Whatever first comes to mind • Next use the method just taught-Take your time-This is the Effective Response • Observer records response and pays attention • Finally –all three debrief-How did the responder feel? The speaker? Was the effective response better? What did the observer see?

Effective Communication in Difficult Situations