How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk Part IV: Encouraging Autonomy

Recap • Helping children deal with their emotions • Having an “attitude” of understanding. • Thekeyto successfully helping your child deal with their feelings is your attitude. • Having an attitude of compassion is essential for our message to be heard • “It is when our words are fused with our real feelings of empathy that we speak directly to a child’s heart”

Recap • Engaging Cooperation • 1. Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem • 2. Give information. • 3. Say it with a word. • 4. Talk about your feelings • 5. Write a note.

Recap • Alternatives to Punishment • Point out a way to be helpful • Express strong disapproval (without attacking character) • State your expectations • Show the child how to make amends • Offer a choice • Take Action • Allow the child to experience the consequences of his/her behavior

Encouraging autonomy • Many books on parenting explain that we should help our children to become independent individuals who will be able to function in society by themselves as adults • Yet, HOW are we supposed to do this? • By allowing to do things for themselves and experiencing natural consequences to their actions • How do we let children learn from their own mistakes when they can succeed just by listening to us?! • When one person is continually dependent on another, certain feelings arise.

Encouraging autonomy • Example: • You are 4 years old. In the course of a day, you hear your parents tell you: • “Eat your string beans. They are good for you” • “Here, let me zip that zipper for you.” • “You are tired. Lie down.” • “ I don’t want you playing with that boy/girl. He/She uses bad language.” • “Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom?” • Your reaction…..

Encouraging autonomy • When people are placed in dependent situations, along with a small amount of gratitude, they usually do feel large amounts of helplessness, worthlessness, resentment, frustration, and anger • Are there ways to minimize our children’s feelings of dependency? Are there ways to help them become responsible human beings who can function on their own?

Encourage autonomy • 1. Let children make choices • 2. Show respect for a child’s struggle • 3. Don’t ask too many questions • 4. Don’t rush to answer questions • 5. Encourage children to use resources outside the home • 6. Don’t take away hope • LET CHILDREN MAKE CHOICES!

Encouraging autonomy • Examples of simple choices we can let our children make everyday • Would you like to wear your red or gray pants? • Would you like a glass of water or milk? • We are leaving in 5 minutes would you like to swing or go down the slide? • What would work best for you, practicing your instrument before or after dinner? • We are setting our children up for success and allowing them to be autonomous because the choices we are giving them both equate to a path of success!

Encouraging autonomy • Show respect for a child’s struggle • When a child’s struggle is respected, he gathers courage to see a job through by himself. • Little successes add up turning can’t into I will try’s or I can’s • Don’t ask too many questions • To many questions can lead to confusion • Don’t rush to answer questions • Children flourish when they learn to answer questions for themselves • Can turn questions around on them

Encouraging autonomy • Encourage children to use sources outside the home • Examples include positive role models and situations outside the home including schools, churches, doctors office, etc. • Don’t take away hope • By trying to protect children from disappointment, we protect them also from home, striving, and dreaming

Encouraging autonomy • Practice: • Take your bath • Respond by offering choices • Why are you having such a hard time putting your hose on? • Show respect for their struggle • Did you have fun at camp today? Did you swim? Did you get along with the other children • Don’t ask too many questions • Why does daddy have to work today? Daddy has to go to work today so that we can have a nice home, good food, and pretty clothes • Don’t rush to answer the question

Encouraging autonomy • (teenager) I’m getting too fat. I want you to put me on a diet. What should I be eating? • (parent) I’ve been telling you for years now to stop eating all that cake and candy and start eating fruits and veggies • Encourage children to use sources outside the home • (child) I’m going to be a teacher when I grow up. • (parent) Don’t count on it. Graduate schools are filled with teachers who can’t get jobs. • Don’t take away hope

Encouraging autonomy • Hard for parents to come to terms with their child’s growing autonomy • Old school belief, “Look at that mom, what a great mom, look at what she wouldn’t do for her children.” • Doing for our children is really allowing them to do for themselves

How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk