Das Reaktör "We win. One to nothing." 1 "Das Reaktör is for the people." We’re Online Too, Bitch Lame Duck Co-President Dicks Over Seniors Lame duck co-president of AICHE and alleged douche-bag, Sean Thomas (left), is taking heat over his arbitrary decision to not print this years Senior Quotes. He will be replaced by Shawna Togioka in fall quarter. Corvallis, OR --- Sean Thomas, in one of his final acts as president of AICHE, intentionally decided not to print the Senior Quotes in this school year's final reactor. In an effort to culminate his lackluster presidency with one purely shameful act, lame duck president, Sean Thomas, took a parting shot at the 2004 graduating class by denying them their cherished rite of passage. The senior class was left awe struck by Sean’s malevolent actions. Many seniors spoke out on issue. An anonymous senior wrote “Sean is a Dick” in the second stall of Gleeson 007, an obvious comparison of Sean to the vice-president. Another senior shouted in the computer lab, “What is Sean’s f*%king problem?” Senior class unilaterally decided that Sean would not put his lips on the senior made beer bong. Seniors at Gleeson are understandably infuriated by Sean’s lame duck decision. Sean was unavailable for comment Speaking in Sean’s defense, was no one. “That’s understandable,” says graduating senior Kevin Marnell and senior quotes co-writer, “his actions are truly indefensible.” Co-writer Alex Lewis also added “We spent a lot of time on the senior quotes. A lot of time went into not just writing them, but editing them for respectable publication.” Lewis went on to say, “It’s makes you see why this guy lost his re-election bid in the first place – the man just isn’t thinking straight.” Other Seniors decided to voice their opinions on Sean Thomas’s actions. John Riley: Why did we elect this guy in the first place? Asrar Mohammad: What right does he have denying us quotes? Greer Martin: This guy makes president Bush look good. Biagio Virde: Sean Sucks. That’s all there is to it. Seniors have vowed to retaliate for Sean's selfish act of senseless power. So far they have voted unilaterally to deny him from using their beer bong at the end of the year party this Friday. An anonymous senior said, "This is just the tip of the ice berg, we're not stopping until Sean pees sitting down. With less than two weeks before the Seniors graduate, speculators are already wondering how this disaster will be resolved. The Shiv Says: Stick it to The Man!
Das Reaktör "Dude, your getting a pink slip." 2 "Do I have to say it Sean?" Bustin' Nuts, Layin' Pipe Fired by Popular Demand The Shiv’s Backdoor Sneak Peak -Sean Thomas gets disgraced at the polls. Fired In the closest election since Reagan and Mondale, incumbent Sean Thomson lost his bid for AICHE president to his vice president, someone else. In what could possibly be the highest voter turn out ever, Sean was fired from a possible second term as president of AICHE. “We really got the vote out this year.” A chemical engineering student said leaving the polls. “We absolutely had to. Another term under Sean would have been intolerable.” Analysts were surprised Sean ran in the first place. One such analyst commented, “Voters saw two people when they went to the polls, Sean and someone else. They voted overwhelmingly to elect this someone else.” A supporter of someone else says, “This is by no means a surprise. Who else were we going to vote for.” Painful words for a painful co-presidency crowned by personal incompetence with rare busts of adequacy. “I know what I like and what I don’t like,” an upperclassman said, “and I definitely don’t like Sean.” A senior who called himself the Shiv explained, “Normally when you vote you’re jazzed about who you are putting into office. This year we’re jazzed about who we’re taking out.” Sean’s supporters were far and few between. Sean himself was unavailable for comment. Speaking in his defense was an anonymous chemical engineer, “I know everyone hates him, and he’s the world’s biggest douche bag, and he drives me to drink at night, but where was I going with this?” Sean will be replaced by everyone’s favorite candidate, someone else, specifically AICHE’s vice president Shawna Togioka. A respected AICHE pundit commented, “Well Shawna this question is for you. Are you going to make your presidency more like a Jim or more like a Sean?” You Got “Shivved” Are you as excited as I am about the upcoming summer movies as I am?The best bet for this summer sees the return of an old friend. That’s right folks, Shrek is back! On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it an A+! That feisty feline has his own feature film. Garfield looks like the feel good hit of the summer. Don’t be surprised to see some of your old favorite characters from the popular syndicated comic strip get involved in cat-astrophies! Alien vs. Predator: The Movie: Whenever there’s a movie based on a video game based on two completely unrelated movies, you know who will be first in line? The Shiv! Get ready for excitement! Underworld 2: Underworldlier is rumored to be in production. If the sequel to the novelization of the first movie is any indication, I’ll have to bring a change of pants! As you regular readers know, the Shiv’s favorite movie of all time is Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. But a close second, the recent hit You Got Served, is coming to a video store near you! I laughed, I cried, I used an entire box of tissues! A Cinderella Story touched me in ways that you usually have to pay for. I give it 2 Shiv’s up! Well that’s it from the Shiv! Remember to check yourself before you wreck yourself!
Das Reaktör "You know you like it, Sean." 3 Dealing the Reactor a Mighty Donkey Punch "Go-Go-Gadget Hand Job." The President Sean Senior Quote Scandal: Analysis No Food or Drinks Allowed Sign Sign Foreign Correspondent for TheEconomist With tempers flaring over “senior quote-gate” as it is now being called, Das Reaktör seeks to find an unbiased analysis of the scandal. In out continuing efforts to provide Fair and Balanced™ coverage, people of influence from outside the Chemical Engineering Department representing all parts of the political spectrum were interviewed on the recent presidential scandal. It is important to consider the geopolitical ramifications of Sean’s actions. With interdepartmental tensions at an all time high and class warfare rampant, the voters our desperate for strong moral leadership to unite the disparate factions. After a history of weak leadership and deviant activities, Sean’s most recent actions may indeed be the straw that breaks the camels back and brings a once-great department down in shame. Above: The Outraged Public Gamblor Speculative Wagering Enthusiast Columnist for The Washington Post Mr. T Cultural Icon Perennial 3rd Party Candidate; Regular NPR Guest Commentator The larger issue here is the abuses of power that pervaded Sean’s political career. The voting public has grown so accustom to the activities of a morally questionable nature that are endemic to Sean’s entire administration that it is amazing any controversy at all was stirred up by this latest example of corrupt politicking. Many have inquired whether Sean is indeed a fool for whom I have pity. And while historically I have been known for my rational temperament and even-handedness, I must say that Sean is one of the worst politicians (dare I worst human beings?) in recent human history. His removal from office cannot come too soon. Rick James Musician, Gadabout CNN Senior Financial Analyst I’m Rick James, bitch! The Shiv Says: Don't blame the chair, Thad!
Das Reaktör “I’ll not pay this Engineering Resource Fee I’ve incurred, it is unjust!” 4 "My poster won first prize." Damn Right, It's Better than Yours. Guy with Hastily Constructed Pro-America Signs Political Activist Post-Doctoral Fellow, John F. Kennedy School of Government, Harvard University Egay's Science Corner Did you know? I have friends outside the department. Did you know? When you enter a new time zone your watch changes. automatically. Did you know? Power Point presentations suck when you use color. Did you know? I make Morgan's anus twitch. Did you know? I have a hand, will you please hold it for me. Did you know? My favorite place to hang out is the tool shed. Did you know? If you’re white and you watch Chappelle’s Show, you’re a racist. Did you know? Everyone has an anus. As Cassius remarked, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.” Despite the fact that Sean’s term is mercifully near to its completion, we, the voting public must take action to remove Sean’s political cronies from power as well. I urge you to become involved in the political process to ensure that an administration rife with such egregious examples of incompetence and negligence is not allowed to continue. Go USA. Tyrone Biggums Crack Addict Former Presidential Advisor, Ford through Clinton Administrations; Professor of Political Science, Georgetown University Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Insult Comic Dog Pulitzer Prize Winning Author In my many years of public service, I have witnessed some truly deplorable acts. But Sean’s recent act of what can only be called treason has caused me to question the very notion of democracy. If a political process can allow such a man to come to power, then what chance does society have? Words are simply not adequate to characterize Sean. I can only hope that political record is taken as a caveat to future generations. No, no, Sean is a very good President… FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, as you can see Sean’s unilateral denouncement by so many respected journalists and political figures demonstrates that he is inarguably the worst politician in recent memory. His existence calls into question the validity of the AIChE Constitution and the very notion of a democratic society. Where in Time is Hackey-Sack? -Student Lost in Time The time travel advantage was always his I had found in my three weeks. Moving at a natural 80 mph, the Segway enhanced that to the necessary 88 mph to allow him to break through the time-space continuum with the flux-capacitor on his wrist. I only had cheap knock offs of his advanced device, dolly’s and whatever meager components could be scrounged from Gleeson. Continued as “Segway Races,” page 6 After tracking Hackey for three weeks, trying only to discover the grade on an assignment, a clue was finally discovered: a piece of masonry from Venice in the 16th century with the imprint of a Segway wheel in it. Knowing that he could not go far, I struck while the iron was hot!
The Shiv says “After party at my house!” There must be grass on the field
Das Reaktör “Hey everyone, I’m looking at gay porno!" 6 "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" Poor Sports Desk This Here Karl Malone By Karl Malone Segway Races Continued from Page 4 Karl Malone (left) is editor of the Poor Sports Desk. Arriving in Venice, I was on the trail; the natives had seen a man “traveling at about 80 miles an hour.” Surely there could only be one such man! He was prepared though. A mildly disgruntled and mostlyconfused pack of wild Egays had been left behind to thwart me. I was prepared as well. I informed them that they had just crossed into a different time zone, which caused them to inspect their time pieces for the change. Using this opportunity I quickly dispatched them with dry ice and the screw drivers in the tool box. The carbon dioxide is free, you pay for the cold, bitch. And so I continue my search after the elusive Hackey-Sack... chair, he can’t kick no ass. You-Know-Whobe all kind a scary, but the seniors gonna strike it out. Butterface be lookin’ pretty sexy… but her face, heh heh heh. Now Karl Malone gonna break down the seniors. Wytey DeLuca wit’ three home run and a thesis, he lookin’ pretty nasty. Commin’ back from the major leagues, it’s the Wacky Gorake, back from battin’ 1.000 on the Indians (and pitchin’ 0). And then there the Shiv. The Shiv be one bad mo’ fo’ that Karl Malone don’t wanna run into in no dark alley, that fo’ damn sure. Now, there a whole bunch mo’ seniors that Karl Malone don’t remember right now, but if all them show up to the game, that ain’t gonna be a good time for no one, ‘sepcially the juniors. Karl Malone gonna talk about softball (heh heh, soft balls, that make Karl Malone laugh, heh heh). Now I know all you sayin’, Karl Malone, softball for little girls. But this the sport report, and Karl Malone have to do hi’ job. Now, Karl Malone know on Friday, the seniors be takin’ on the world. Karl Malone know the world seem like a big place, but mostly they be playin’ a bunch a guys who play like girls and girls who look like guys. That right, Karl Malone talkin’ ‘bout juniors. Talk about suck. Now I know all of you saying, now Karl Malone, they not so bad. But Karl Malone know. Karl Malone seen with hi’ own eyes. Karl Malone gonna break down the openin’ lineup fo’ all y’all. Fo’ the junior class we got the chairkicker. Now he kickin’ all kind a Seniors Look Forward to Squashing World at Softball can’t leave first base until you chug a beer, any man scoring has to chug a beer, you have chug a beer at the top of all odd numbered innings, oh and the fourth inning is the beer inning.” Kevin quickly added, “Hey, we know how to play softball. The SHZA, a respected authority on soft ball and player for the World said, “I look forward to fighting Seniors in honorable combat. I hope our loss is not embarrassing.” The game is scheduled during the end of the year party at Avery Park. The current lines are 100 to 1 in favor of the Seniors. The Graduating Senior Class of 2004 is looking forward to there certain win against the world on Friday at the end of the year party. One senior was quoted saying, "This is just a beer drinking formality.” The SHZA frowned saying “We are going to look bad. If were professionals, would be fired.” Senior Kevin Marnell said, “This year we are going to play by the rules.” Alex Lewis added “That means you
Das Reaktör “This blunt’s for you." 7 “Das Reaktör is the greatest thing since Da Bears. Daaaaaaaaaaas Reaktör!" Dedicated to the belief that ChE publications don’t have to suck. Opinions Abound Around the World Regarding the Regime Within the Hallowed Halls of Gleeson Hall The effects of the Sean Thomas regime can be seen not only within sphere if influence of his cruel dictatorship, one that held his subjects in a state of fear and oppression, their freedoms curtailed and their bathroom privileges revoked in a whim. Humanity across the globe all seemed to have something to say about this despot and his cronies, known only as the menacing Junior Class. Traveling to Canadia, a land to the north where the money is funny and the drinking age is 19, the citizens of this strange land had some interesting things to say in their dialect. One man, Zap Rowsdower, commented “Hey, what is the Sean Thomas all aboot anyway? It seems that he is aboot oppression, aboot false accusations, aboot no toilet paper, and aboot porn!” When Kevin Marnell, a long time proponent of porn was questioned about the last of the Canuck’s statement he looked stunned and could only manage to eke out “That porn hoarding Junior Class!” Evidently he had been left out of this porn loop that was made available only to those of the correct breeding and lineage, this supposed elite Junior Class. Rowsdower was not the only person to voice an opinion in this strange land with their plentiful booze. Canadian Man Off the Street had this to say, “He’s just a hoser, ay? I don’t know what all this fuss is aboot. But I did hear there was a lot of porn and booze, you know anything aboot this, ay?” Mr. Marnell was once more questioned about this startling revelation from the neighbors in the Great White North. Though his jaw was slack as the anus of a prostitute who had done DVDA for the past 10 years, he could still respond with “You’re f*%king kidding me, porn AND booze? That f@#king hoser... I mean, douche bag...” Perhaps Kevin has a connection to the northern brethren that we were not aware of. Dudley Doright of Canadia was the most ardent in his support to those oppressed by the Junior Class regime. He said “I’ll save you!” Though he has been unable to do so as of now, indicative of yet another cunning plot from the camp of the recently ousted hoser... err... douche-bag. Down under, supporters had not heard of the plight, but were stunned by the revelations of the actions taken. All any could offer was “WTF mates?” WTF mates indeed. The French seemed frightened of what could be coming their way from the recently ousted despot. Quaking their little froggy knees, one managed to offer only a token resistance, “I fart in you general direction!” While a scent that could fell a adult African elephant was detected, it had little hope of saving them. The general sentiment from the populace was, “Do you have any cheese and can we surrender to them?” You can, but it will barely be a life worth living. It seems that even across the far reaches of space, the news of the tyranny had spread. A Klingon ambassador that was present had some things to say regarding the issue. “Tlhlngan Hol Dajath’a?” When a blank stare was his reply he stated, “Luq.” After the situation was fully explained, he commented “Chay’?” Further delving into the electoral process, or sham that it was a solar year ago, he was shocked, “Chop’a?” He then offered some words of wisdom, “BortaS blr jablu’Dl’reH QaQqu’nay’” and a warning for the times to come, “QaStaHrlS wa’ ram loS SaD Hugh SljlaH qetbogh loD.” He yelled a parting insult to Sean Thomas and his Junior Class, “veQDuj’Oh Dujllj’e’!” Garbage scow indeed.
Das Reaktör 8 "A pole's as real as a hole." "Where the bitches at?" A Publication Of AICHEWDS (American Institute of Chemical Engineers Who Don't Suck) Senior Quotes Find Home in Das Reaktör • Derrick Becker: What it is Jive Wendell! • Derrick Black: I like to dance… I’m not gay. • Kate Boettcher: I don’t have time to be nice to people. • Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time. • Egay.com: Egay.com personals are the way to get in contact with the hottest guys and girls. • Erin Debree: I’m gonna be your boss someday. • Debbie Gilbuena: What is a pole? • Adam Goracke: If I were a baseball fan, my favorite team would be the Indians. • Rachel Hinton: I lost my thesis to a chemical engineer. • Lizzy Jeans: Yes! I know what the shocker is. • Drew Johnson: I deal out the donkey punches. • Jimmy: Put away the notes, I want to talk to you about 401K’s. • Jive Turkey: The whole damn thing doesn’t blow up in the middle. • Joey Kragt: WTF, mates? • KLL: Are Rat Tails Cool? • Alex Lewis: I win, one to nothing. • Kevin Marnell: If you accidentally find yourself in door number 2 and get an elbow to the nose, wipe the blood on her back pretend nothing happened. • Greer Martin: Awesome. • Heather McCaig: On Halloween I wear jeans and a t-shirt. • Ruth Mench: What the hell is Jewdar? • Asrar Mohommed: When does this crazy ride end? I want to go home. • Jim Parker: Yes, Josie is wearing pants. • Dan Pike: I’m Rick James, bitch. • Richard Shtivelband: Call me “The Shiv.” • GLR: Maybe a sexy mesh? • Jon Riley: Pull it out. • Eric Seiber: Whatever you say. • The SHZA: … you will not have to show up to company the next day. • Jack Smith: I think employers should consider it an accomplishment to go through college as a part time alcoholic. • Nathan Starr: I’m doing a chemical engineer. • Wyatt Tenhaeff: Morgan and Adam are seriously walking on my game. • Kathryn Thomason: Who’s that guy shadowing me? • Justin Tvetan: …And you’re done. [said when v-nod wouldn’t shut (tf) up]. • Biagio Virde: COE sucks. • James Walter: Yeah, I think I could draw a penis on that. • Morgan Weeks: I'm not against sex, I've just never got any. Want a t-shirt, but don’t want it to suck? We got you covered! But how do I get one? Talk to Alex (while supplies last) Or, go to www.zazzle.com and search for “OSU ChE” Das Reaktör Abusing the First Amendment Since 2004 Layin’ Pipe? That’s friggin’ awesome!