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Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships. Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy & Healthy Relationship When Couples Have to Be Apart. Gregory Guldner, MD, MS. Goals. Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships.

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Long Distance Relationships

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  1. Long Distance Relationships Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy & Healthy Relationship When Couples Have to Be Apart Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

  2. Goals • Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships. • Expose an expert audience of professionals to the current state-of-the-art research-based understanding of long distance relationships.

  3. Objectives • Understand LDRs: • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  4. Objectives • Assess • Demographics • Personality • Support System • Relationship • Separation Inventory

  5. Support Stages of Separation Staying emotionally healthy Staying intimate Sexuality while separated Support Communicating Conflict at a distance Sexual Affairs Hellos/Goodbyes Gender differences Ending the separation Objectives

  6. Background • Clinical Psychology • Research Focus • Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992 • Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995 • Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student Development; 37, 1996 • Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency, Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001 • Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne • Personal Experience

  7. Long Distance Relationships • Understand LDRs • Assess LDRs • Support LDRs

  8. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  9. Defining an LDR • Specific distance cut-off • Specific location cut-off • Self-defining • My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.

  10. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  11. Prevalence of LDRs • Marital LDRs • Pre-Marital • College Student

  12. Married and Living Apart (%)

  13. Married and Living ApartNational Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972 • 3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse • Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart. • 10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

  14. College Students Internet Dating Military Certain Industries Oil Fishing Logging College Students 25-40% (1993) 50% of First Years (1992) 33% (1987) 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996) Pre-Marital LDRs

  15. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  16. Do LDRs Work? • Marriage or Pre-Marital? • Military / combat or Civilian? • What does it mean “to work”? • Continuity (break-up rate over time) • Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

  17. Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs? • Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs • Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295 • Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34 • Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 • Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17 • No adequate data on marital LDRs • Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

  18. Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs? • The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of • Satisfaction • Intimacy • Trust • Commitment • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 • Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281 • Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 • Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31 • Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984. • Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210 • Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 • Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

  19. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  20. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Individual • Depression • Military Separations • Clinical Depression • Civilian • Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295. • Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR • Minor Depressive symptoms common • Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

  21. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Individual • Anxiety • Uncertainty • Jealousy / Sexual Affairs • Dis-inhibition (loss of support) • Guilt • Violating norms • Choice of career “over” relationship • Emotional “rollercoaster”

  22. Difficulties Associated with LDRs • The Relationship • Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances) • Relationship momentum slowed • Progress toward marriage more slowly • Break-up more slowly • Idealization and Disillusionment • Difficulties in Communication • Sexuality at a Distance • Re-integration • Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

  23. Understanding LDRs • Understand • Defining LDRs • Prevalence of LDRs • Do LDRs work? • Difficulties with LDRs • Advantages of LDRs

  24. Advantages of an LDR • Individual Productivity • Novelty • Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs • Plan exciting activities • Compartmentalization • Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment • Idealization

  25. Long Distance Relationships • Understand LDRs • Assess LDRs • Support LDRs

  26. Assessing an LDR • Personality • Demographics • Support System • Relationship Characteristics

  27. Assessing LDRs • Assess • Demographics • Personality • Support System • Relationship • Separation Inventory

  28. Assessing an LDR: Demographics • Least important of the four components • Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated • Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction • Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

  29. Assessing an LDR: Demographics • Other demographics • Total duration of the relationship • Duration of Separation • Duration as a PR prior to LDR • Distance • Age

  30. Assessing LDRs • Assess • Demographics • Personality • Support System • Relationship • Separation Inventory

  31. Assessing an LDR: Personality • Learning Style Inventory • Visualizers • Verbalizers • Touchers • Attachment Styles • Secure • Avoidant • Ambivalent / Anxious

  32. Assessing an LDR: Personality • Self-Esteem • Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with separation • Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship quality among LDRs but not PRs • Independence • Optimism • Trust • Telephone and Letter Habits

  33. Assessing LDRs • Assess • Demographics • Personality • Support System • Relationship • Separation Inventory

  34. Types of Support Emotional Appraisal Informational Instrumental Sources of Support Partner Family Friends Context Assessing an LDR: Support • Those in LDRs often isolate themselves from support • Distraction • Awkwardness • Depression • Ambiguous status

  35. Assessing LDRs • Assess • Demographics • Personality • Support System • Relationship • Separation Inventory

  36. Assessing an LDR: Relationship • Issues specific to LDRs • Communication issues • Expectations • Conflict Management • Telephone

  37. Long Distance Relationships • Understand LDRs • Assess LDRs • Support LDRs

  38. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

  39. Supporting LDRs:Understanding Separation • Emotional Stages of Separation • Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych • Protest (Anger, Bargaining) • Despair (Depression to various degrees) • Detachment (Productive or Destructive) • Kubler-Ross • Denial and Isolation • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance

  40. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

  41. Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program • Maintain a satisfying relationship • Socialize • Emotional vs. Social Loneliness • Find a Confidant • Touching • Take Control

  42. Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program • Positive Thinking / Reframing • View the Separation as Temporary • Acknowledge Contributions • Transitional Objects • Healthy Sexuality

  43. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

  44. Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy • Intimacy Components • Emotional Sharing • Interrelatedness • Emotional Sharing • LDRs may do this more easily than PRs • Interrelatedness • Central Issue for LDR Intimacy • Focus on the mundane • Serial vs. Parallel Communication

  45. Supporting LDRs • Emotional Stages of Separation • Staying Emotionally Healthy • Maintaining Intimacy • Frequency of Contact • Hellos & Goodbyes • Conflict at a Distance • Long Distance Sex • Sexual Affairs • Dating Others • Gender Differences in Separation

  46. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Face-to-face visits • Conflicting research • Opinion suggests at least once a month • Early studies had design issues • Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88 • Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only • Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141 • Definition of LDR • Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216 • Outcome “happier” with relationship

  47. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Face-to-face visits • Larger studies & longitudinal studies • No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship • Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 • Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230 • Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992 • Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay

  48. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Telephone Calls • No evidence to suggest positive correlation or threshold effect • Frequency may be negatively correlated • More calls more conflict? • More conflict more calls?

  49. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Writing Letters. • Cross-sectional. • Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality. • Longitudinal. • Couples who stayed together wrote one another almost twice as often as those who broke-up. • Measures of relationship quality identical at time-one.

  50. Supporting an LDR: Contact • Writing Letters • Peculiarities of Letters • Transitional objects • Tangible • Re-readable • Scent • Generally conveys mostly positive messages • Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate letter writing • Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact

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