FRIENDSHIPS

1. FRIENDSHIPS Nature Development Pressures Guidelines

2. Nature of Friendships • Friendship is voluntary where the people involved like each other & enjoy each other’s company. • Willing to invest • Time • Effort • Thoughts • Feelings

3. Nature cont. • Emotional closeness-intimacy, a state of “close union, contact, association or acquaintance” • Physical-hugs, holding, FWB • Dialogue/Intellectual Sharing-women • Emotional-create feelings of closeness-women • Shared activities/Doing-men

4. Gender speech community • Feminine Speech Community • Focuses on talking & listening to know inner selves • Large & small • Responsive & Supportive • Nonverbal for emotional responses & feedback • Acceptance

5. Gender cont. • Masculine socialization • Shared activities & doing are primary emphasis + helping activities • Negotiate activities, common goals, sense of camaraderie • Team sports • Soldiers • Grow on one another, feelings of interdependence, appreciation, mutual liking

6. Nature cont. • Acceptance • Unconditional • Accept as we change over time • Homosexuals-big dependence on friends b/c they substitute for families • Additionally, computer & internet relied upon

7. Nature cont. • Trust • Dependability • Emotional reliability • Develops based on • Individual histories • Family scripts • Willingness to take risks

8. Nature cont. • Support • Expressing & listening • Availability • Women-more verbal support, increase depth • Men-covert intimacy by grabbing shoulder, punching arm. More instrumental support by solving problems, assisting. Diversions

9. Cultural influences • Individualistic-American • Understanding • Respect • Sincerity • Similar in age & ethnicity • Collectivism-Japanese • Togetherness • Trust • Warmth • Similar in age & ethnicity

10. Cultural influences cont. Priorities for friendships Priorities for friendships Asian-Americans Courtesy Restraint Respect for families Latina/Latinos Relationship support Emotional expressiveness • European –Americans • Sincerity • Freedom to express • African-Americans • Problem solving • Respect for ethnicity

11. Exercise-Male & Female Friends

12. Development of Friendships • Role-limited interaction • Standard social rules • Scripts • Stereotypes • Can be awkward/feelings of uncertainty

13. Develop Friendships • Friendly relations • Each discover common ground/shared interests

14. “Harry Met Sally”

15. Develop Friendships • Moving Toward Friendship • Personalizing • Outside contexts • Self-disclosure • Limited disclosure & investment may stabilize relationship at this stage

16. Develop Friendship • Nascent Friendship • Embryonic • Increased interaction • More self-disclosing/sharing values, feelings, concerns, interests, etc. • Private rules

17. Develop Friendships • Stabilized Friendship • Continuity • Future interaction taken for granted • Mutual high level of trust • Interned discussions are increasingly popular • Relationship rules for regulating interaction

18. “Swingers”

19. Last stage-develop friends • Waning Friendship • Drift apart • One or more stop investing • Boring • Run natural course • Pulled apart due to other demands • Violation of trust • Decreased quantity or quality of communication

20. Pressures-Internal TensionsRelational Dialectics 1st Dialectical Tension • Independent-Dependent • The tension between wanting freedom to pursue individual activities & depending on someone for help and support

21. 2nd Dialectical Tension • Expressive-Protection • The tension between wanting to disclose personal information & not disclosing too much for potential criticism and/or rejection

22. 3rdDialectical Tension • Judgment-Acceptance • Being able to accept a friend for who s/he is & feeling free to offer criticism and advice

23. 4thDialectical Tension • Affection-Instrumentality • Whether friends focus more on feelings of warmth or on instrumental tasks

24. 5thDialectical Tension • Public-Private • How the relationship is negotiated in public versus private

25. 6thDialectic Tension • Ideal-Real • What the friendship “ought to be” and what the relationship “really is”

26. Baxter’s Dialectics Theory • “Every relationship experiences ups & downs, no relationship stays the same from start to finish. The dialectical perspective captures the dynamic nature of relationships and describes some of the common tensions, or ups & downs, that relational partners experience.” • “We have to juggle our need for dependence with our need to be independent; wanting to be completely open vs. wanting to protect ourselves by not revealing everything; wanting to have a lot in common, but not so much that the relationship feels boring and predictable.”

27. 3 Major Dialectical tensions: Integration-Separation Stability-Change Expression-Privacy • Each has both an internal & external manifestation • Internal Manifestation: tensions experienced between relational partners, including how they communicated with one another • External Manifestation: tensions between a couple and other dyads or society, including how the couple present themselves to others

28. Integration-Separation: tension b/t social integration & social division • Internal Manifestation: Connection-Autonomy Tension-the desire to be close & the desire to be independent • More freedom/don’t smother vs. more attention/affection • External Manifestation: Inclusion-Seclusion Tension-the amount of time partners spend w/ other people in their social network (inclusion) & the amount of time they spend doing things only w/ each other (seclusion) • Couple move to new city for new job following graduation

29. Stability-Change: desire to wantsecurity/continuity vs. excitement/discontinuity • Internal Manifestation: Predictability-Novelty Tension-desire some routine/rules and desire some excitement/spontaneity • Boredom is one to the top reasons couples give for breaking up suggesting excitement is vital • External Manifestation: Conventionality-Uniqueness Tension-desire to be accepted by society in acceptable ways & the need to be special • American dream w/ house, job, & NO Kids • Celebrate holidays-decorate cactus rather than tree

30. Expression-Privacy: need to be heard by others & need to keep some info private • Internal Manifestation: Open-Closed Tension-push/pull regarding how much info should be disclosed to one another • How much of background/relationships should you reveal • External Manifestation: Revelation-Concealment Tension-what partners tell other people about their relationship • Do you tell your best friend about the fight you had w/ partner last night?

31. More internal pressures • Diverse Communication Styles • Sexual Attraction

32. External Pressures • Competing demands • Personal Changes • Geographic Distance • Friends of the heart • Particularly strong liking & shared history • Friends of the road

33. Maintaining Friendships: Abide by Friendship Rules • Show support • Seek support • Respect Privacy • Keep confidences • Defend your friends • Avoid public criticism • Make your friends happy • Manage jealousy • Share humor • Maintain equity

34. Final Thoughts • Engage in Dual perspective • Communicate honestly • Grow from differences • Don’t sweat the small stuff