If only we could start over: Repairing broken relationships

1. If only we could start over:Repairing broken relationships Philip G. Monroe, PsyD www.wisecounsel.wordpress.com

3. Repairs needed? • “You always”… “You never” • Same fight, different situation • You never talk about IT • You struggle forgiving or you wonder if you will ever be forgiven • You can’t seem to forget wrongs done to you • Cold war! Fear and suspicion is everywhere!

4. Some basic beliefs • Many people live with unrepaired relationships • God is in the business of restoring broken people to himself and each other • In this world, restoration and reconciliation is not always possible (death, unrepentance, unforgiveness, etc.) and is always partial • There is always kingdom work to be done in our relationships

5. Primary causes of broken relationships • Not specific acts of sin • Huh, it isn’t? • Unwillingness to repent • Feelings of rejection leading to distrust • Demanding desires • I need…you won’t give…you will pay…

6. When it is broken, we… • Struggle with despair that it can ever be repaired • Fear our future: staying in a broken relationship or leaving for the unknown • Struggle with anger that we are not being forgiven or not understood • Receive lots of well-meaning advice • Find ourselves in a well of “what-ifs”

7. Should I repair it? • No easy answers but what does God want? • To love my enemies • To speak the truth • To lean on the body of Christ for help • What about abuse situations? Adultery? • What if the other is unwilling to work?

8. Repair jobs require • Humility • Godly response to painful memories • Trust and vulnerability • Forgiveness • New communication habits

9. Humility • Are you really any different from the one in conflict? Watch out for self-righteousness! • Consider Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 (Esther works well too) • Truth, Courage, Action, Kindness (considering the needs of others) • A willingness to consider one’s own faults first

10. What do I do with my hurt feelings? • What do I do with my memory? Is it possible to forget? • No, but memories are not passive and so watch out for 2 distortions • Use the stories of the Exodus and Passion to shape your memory The Exodus story assures me that God is a God of justice; the memory of the Passion reminds me to try to love those who seemed to me to deserve the very opposite of love. Volf, The End of Memory, p. 96

11. Trust, Vulnerability, Forgiveness • When blind trust runs headlong into reality • Now what? I have to trust someone who is going to hurt me? • Forgiveness? Only when they ask? Attitudes relating to forgiveness? How does forgiveness relate to reconciliation?

12. New communication patterns

13. 7 steps to better communication 1. Go for the best interpretation • Don’t define them by their flaws • What picture do you carry with you? • Question for your meditation: Do I keep a record of wrongs? Do my communications mostly show complaints or encouragements?

14. 7 steps to better communication 2. Listen and validate • Beware of the hindrances to listening • Jumping to conclusions • Quick solutions offered • Trying to win a point • Trying to avoid • Question: Do I try to listen to the underlying concern or dream, or am I planning an attack, defense, solution, etc.?

15. 7 steps to better communication 3. Stay current • “Gunny-sacking” is a common, natural response that kills! • Question: Do I collect momentos of being wronged and use them when its to my convenience? Or, do I fight to forgive and seek forgiveness when necessary

16. 7 steps to better communication 4. Practice “do-overs” • Instead of fighting over “re-plays” • Question: Do I tend to use harsh start-ups or criticisms when I bring a problem up? Do I ask for or give “do-overs” for the sake of peace?

17. 7 steps to better communication 5. Use breaks and cool-downs • Commit to well-defined breaks to avoid words that cannot be retracted • Question: Do I allow the other to take a break even when I do not need it? Do I ask for a well-defined break instead of withdrawing without warning?

18. 7 steps to better communication 6. Look for agreement where possible • Question: Do you acknowledge agreement or fight for the last word?

19. 7 steps to better communication 7. Make the first heart-felt apology • Vindication or punishment before apology? • To do this, you must be convicted! • Question: Am I willing to be the first to move the suitcase?

20. Non-apologies • I’m sorry if you… (you shouldn’t be hurt) • I’m sorry but you… (it’s really your fault) • I said I was sorry… (you shouldn’t still be hurt) • Instead • Tell me how I hurt you • Please forgive me (again) • What can I do to help you move forward?

21. 7 steps to better communication • Go with the best interpretation • Listen and validate • Stay current • Practice “do-overs” • Use breaks and cool-downs • Look for agreement where possible • Make the first heart-felt apology

22. Take a moment for personal reflection • Think about your last few conflicts • DO NOT PATHOLOGIZE! • Who leads? • What is the response? • Then what? • How does it end? • How do you “repair”?

23. Review • Where do you have trouble? • Speaking without accusation? • Bring complaint instead of criticism? • Speaking concisely? • Listening without planning retort? • Hearing the dreams, concerns? • Allowing do-overs instead of pointing out your spouse’s missteps?

24. Your Gift • I will try to honor you, with God’s help, by doing the following when we are having a disagreement… • Listen first without giving a defense • Resist the temptation to run • Validate your feelings and ideas • Honestly communicate with love • Work to start my complaints softly

25. Final Thought Lord, don’t move this mountain But give me some strength to climb it Please don’t move that stumbling block But lead me, Lord, around it. The way may not be easy, You didn’t say that it would be, Lord when my tribulations get too light We tend to stray from the, so I’m asking you… Lord, don’t you move this mountain But give me strength to climb it Please don’t move that stumbling block, But lead me, Lord, around it. Words by Mahalia Jackson, sung by Ruth Naomi Floyd