How To Communicate With And Attach To Your Child

1. How To Communicate With And Attach To Your Child Stephanie Fidler, PsyD Licensed Psychologist

2. God did not give you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DICIPLINE!!!2 Tim. 1:7

3. Discussion Questions 1.What is your most embarrassing parent/child moment? OR What is your favorite family tradition? 2. What do you hope to learn from this presentation?

4. Topics • What is healthy attachment and how do I know if there are problems? • What techniques help with healthy attachment? • Guidelines for overall parenting and self-care • What special considerations should be given for transracial adoption? • How do I talk with my child about adoption during different developmental stages?

5. Healthy Attachment “Attachment is defined as the affectional tie between two people This bond becomes internally representative of how the child will form relationship with the world.” (Thomas, 2005) “The initial relationship between self and others serves as blueprints for all future relationships.” (Bowlby, 1973)

6. Signs of Healthy Attachment • Willing to look parents in the eye when talking • Willing to take responsibility • Ability to control impulses • Understands cause and affect relationships • Ability to carry on meaningful conversation • Developmentally appropriate truth telling • Shows appropriate fear of strangers

7. Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way. • Consistently sleeps well and peacefully. • Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy. • Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled. • Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full. • Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.) • Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver. • Shows appropriate stranger anxiety. • Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured. • Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact. • -A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD [ Back ]  

8. Signs of Healthy Attachment Even children who are experiencing attachment strain may have some of these signs of healthy attachment. Knowledge of positive attachment will help parents build on the areas that are strengths, but should not be used to ignore indications—even mild ones--that a baby/child is experiencing difficulty. • Joyful the majority of the time. • Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs. • Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver. • Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity. • When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction. • Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror. • Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.) • Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver. • Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.

9. Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture. • Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away. • Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return. • Can co-sleep without major difficulty. • Prefers primary caregiver to all others. • Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.) • Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time. • Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver. • Enjoys skin on skin contact.

10. and physical contact. • Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way. • Is gentle to self and others. • Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time. • Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns. • Speech/language skills are developing appropriately. • Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child. • “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective. • Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.) • Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.) • Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)

11. Attachment Screener

12. When to seek help • As a parent, you will likely feel that something is ‘off”, or your child is ‘different’. • Consider professional help if multiple symptoms are present from the list. • Treatment prior to age 12 has much higher success rates.

13. Finding a Therapist • A willingness to work with the mother and child • Strong and able to be in charge • History of working with attachment and specific training

14. For Help Finding a Therapist • Attach.org

15. Healthy Attachment Techniques • Infants • Serious • General

16. Infants • Breastfeed if possible • ALWAYS hold the bottle (never prop) • Carry baby in sling ATLEAST 6 hours per day • Massage baby 20 minutes per day smiling and using soft voice • Use positive verbal and auditory cues during feeding • Respond to attempts for attention with joy • Delay painful medical procedure if possible • Play soothing music • Baby should sleep near parents (some say with) • Only mom and dad feed baby • Use front facing stroller • Skin to skin contact • Hold and rock daily using verbal, auditory, and tactile Nancy Thomas (2005)

17. Serious Techniques • Strong Sitting • The parent is in charge of physical affection • Therapeutic riding • Snuggle time (love, laughter, and kindness)

18. Strong Sitting • Describe as “Amazingly Powerful” • Supposed to help the brain “shift gears” • Sit on floor, back straight, hands folded, and neck straight • Quiet and no distractions

19. How long? • One minute for every year of life

20. What does it do? • Helps to develop love, attachment, logic, and reasoning • Strong Sitting causes the brain to shift to and develop these underdeveloped parts • Each minute spent doing this correctly exercises the love and logic parts of the brain!!!! (Thomas, 2005)

21. Snuggle Time • Touch • Movement • Eye Contact • Sugar • Smile!!

22. Snuggle Time Demonstration

23. General Techniques • Learn to speak the Five Love Languages • I Love You Rituals

24. The Five Love Languages of Children Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

25. 5 Love Languages • Physical Touch • Words of Affirmation • Gifts • Quality Time • Acts of Service

26. How many hugs should you give your child per day???? • 2 • 8 • 12

27. Love Language Interview #1

28. Love Language Interview #2

29. Love Language Interview #3

30. I Love You Rituals Becky A. Bailey, PH.D.

31. I Love You Rituals • Children ages 0-8 • Boost brain potential • Encourage cooperation and caring • Promote learning and literacy • Increase attention and decrease power struggles • Build bonds of unconditional love

32. Good Ritual Times • Wake up • Bed time • Special time (b-days, losing a tooth, graduation) • “Hello” and “Goodbye” • Before and after school

33. Fun Rituals • Tell Me When I Am At The End • “Mr. Sun” • Blanket Volleyball

34. How many hugs per day???? 12

35. Parenting and self-care This is a must!!!!

36. Self-Care Basics • Sleep • Physical Food • Exercise • Spiritual food • Breaks • Support System • Nurture a strong marital relationship • Hobby/Identity outside of being a parent

37. Sleep • Minimum of 7 • Ideal of 8 or 9

38. Physical Food • 4-6 small meals a day • Limit caffeine • Eat as much whole food as possible • Limit carbs and sugar

39. Hobbies • What do you enjoy doing?

40. Spiritual Food • Make a commitment to spend time daily with God. • How much?? • Approximately 76 times, Jesus states, “I tell you the truth.”

41. Breaks • Parents need at least one outing per week either together or separate • 5 minute breaks are priceless!! • Couples need at least 2 dates per month • How many times did Jesus “Rest”?

42. How many hugs per day??? • 12

43. Support • Group • Friends • Family • Spouse

44. Exercise • Minimum 30 minutes 5 X per week • Increase production of neurotransmitters • Numerous studies prove exercise has same efficacy as anti-depressant if consistent over 1 month • Setting a good example

45. Strong marital relationship • God first, spouse second, kids third

46. Healthy Marriage List

47. Transracial Adoption: Special considerations • Educate and openly discuss ethnic heritage teaching the child to feel good with how God made them. • Teach 0 tolerance regarding racism!! • Prepare children for stupid questions and comments. • Respect the child’s right to privacy

48. Focus of open communication • Adoption Story • How to react to others • Educate about racism in our society

49. Specific Suggestions for Parents Gail Steinberg & Beth Hall

50. Do everything in your power to make friends with at least one family who shares your child’s racial heritage