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Helping Your Child Cope With Grief

Helping Your Child Cope With Grief. Presented By: Jack Goga Steve Symans Jessica Moon Deborah Hamilton. The Elephant In The Room By: Terri Kettering.

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Helping Your Child Cope With Grief

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  1. Helping Your Child Cope With Grief Presented By: Jack Goga Steve Symans Jessica Moon Deborah Hamilton

  2. The Elephant In The RoomBy: Terri Kettering There's an elephant in the room.It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I'm fine" ... And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.We talk about the weather.We talk about work.We talk about everything else -except the elephant in the room. There's an elephant in the room.We all know it is there.We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.It is constantly on our minds.For, you see, it is a very big elephant.It has hurt us all. But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.Oh, please say his name.Oh, please say “Matt" again. Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.For if we talk about her death,Perhaps we can talk about his life.Can I say “Matt" to you and not have you look away?For if I cannot, then you are leaving meAlone ... In a room ...With an elephant.

  3. What is Grief????? • Is a response to loss • Has many components including • Physical • Behavioral • Social

  4. Grief reactions To Suicide Similar but different... • Similar to loss due to any sudden or violent death • Often compromises usual mourning rituals • Expect a 4-7 year recovery period • Death is usually sudden and unexpected • Leaves “unfinished business” - no closure • No control • Often leaves a violent death scene • Scene is a “crime scene” • Media involvement Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  5. Stages of Grief Kubler-Ross Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion. Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions. Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

  6. Acceptance Stage of Grief • This could take a very long time • Can jump all over the stages (not necessarily in progressive order). • Grief after a suicide can take longer to accept compared to other forms of death

  7. Definition of a Suicide Survivor Family members and others who survive following the death of their loved one by suicide Suicide survivors include spouses, significant others, parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc. Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  8. Survivor Reactions Shock Numbness Denial of death Denial of death as a Suicide Religious concerns Prolonged search for “Why??” Fear of personal susceptibility Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  9. Survivor ReactionsEmotional Shame Guilt (should’a, could’a, would’a) Responsibility Blaming Scapegoating Abandonment Anger Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  10. Helping SurvivorsLet them talk Use deceased’s name Begin ASAP Repetition = part of healing Be active listener Listen without judgment Encourage positive and negative memories Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  11. Advice For Parents This may be your child’s first experience with death Read about grief process Talk with other bereaved parents Talk with significant other Accept that genders grieve differently Be aware of special dates (events, birthdays, events, holidays, anniversaries, etc) Find the balance between being caring and overbearing Take care of your own emotional well being Know when to reach out for help (for your child or yourself) Take one day at a time Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  12. When Talking With Your Kids • Offer understanding & empathy • Don’t try to answer ‘why’ question directly. Better to say, “we wish we could answer that question, but we cannot.” • Deal with issues as they arise. Do not borrow trouble!!!!! • It is ok to start the conversation with your kids Taken from presentation by Clark, Thompson, Welzant (ICISF)

  13. And When They Won’t Talk… • Relax, this is normal • Let them know you care and are thinking about them (it is ok to let them know you are concerned) • Reassure them everyday that things are going to get better and that it is ok to feel better (they may act like they are not listening, but they are) • Remind them that drugs and alcohol are not a positive coping mechanism • Allow them to spend time with their friends • Also… Remind your child that it is OK to Ask 4 Help!

  14. Suggested Reading • Living When A Young Friend Commits Suicide: Or Even Start Talking About it. By: Grollman and Malikow (1999) • Straight Talk about Death For Teenagers. How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love. By: Grollman • Teen Suicide: A Book For Friends, Family, and Classmates. By: Kolehmainen and Handwerk (1986) • After Suicide Loss: Coping With Your Grief. By: Baugher and Jordon (2002) • Andrew, You Died Too Soon. By: Chilstrom (1993) • Coping With Suicide. By: Helen (2002) • Helping Children Cope With Grief. By: Wolfelt (1983) • Stronger Than Death: When Suicide Touches Your Life. By: Chance (1992)

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