The Science & the Secrets of the Connected Life Prepared by Niel Steve M. Kintanar, MA for Psy 249MA/633 Positive Psychology Class (USC)
Imagine This. “We are the Demonians from the Galaxy Andromeda and are conducting a study of your world. To determine more about your species, we have left you alone in the world, and have removed all other people. You will live out the rest of your life alone on your planet. We have powers far beyond those of your species, and you will find that we have accommodated your physical needs – there will always be heating and air conditioning, food, gasoline, and functional vehicles wherever you go in the world. Your safety from animals and other dangers is assured. We will not protect you from suicide, however, so that as long as you choose to continue your life without killing yourself, it will signify to us that we have your informed consent for being a subject in this experiment. The entire planet is now yours and belongs to you alone. Our interest is in observing your behavior and, in particular, how you function without others of your species. You should feel free to enjoy your world in whatever way you desire, but you will do so alone. Thanks for participating in our study, and best of luck to you.”
"True love, in an evolutionary sense, means peace of mind - a sense of attachment security." (Levine & Heller, 2010)
INTERNAL WORKING MODEL Can we change our IWM? How? Which stage? Cognitive & Affective Experiences (attention, memory, expectations, attribution, emotions) Parent – Infant Experiences or Close Relationship Experiences Representational Models (IWM) Behaviors Towards Others Treatment received from others
♥ Love as to be understood by science had a rocky beginning and met strong societal and even disciplinary resistance (Felmlee & Sprecher, 2000). ♥ Fehr and Russel (1991) argued that research on love is important because how people give meaning to love plays a significant role in shaping and understanding experience and behavior. ♥ Today, a growing and thorough social scientific literature on love exists.
LOVE defined “If there is anything that we have learned about love it is its variegated nature. No one volume or theory or research program can capture love and transform it into a controlled bit of knowledge.” Clyde Hendrick, Phd. Social Psychologist
Love represents a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral stance towards others that takes three prototypical forms: • Love for individuals who are our primary sources of affection, protection, and care (child’s love for a parent). • Love for individuals who depend on us to make them feel safe and cared for (parent’s love for the child). • Love that involves passionate desire for sexual, physical, and emotional closeness with an individual whom we consider special and who makes ups feel special (romantic love).
Love Models • Passionate and Companionate Love (Berscheid & Walster, 1978) • Typologies of love: eros, ludus, storge, pragma, mania, & agape (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986; Lee, 1973). • Love triangles (Sternberg, 1986). • Love is a story (Sternberg, 2001). • The Drive to Romantic Love (Helen Fisher) • Love is an attachment process. (Bowlby; Hazan & Shaver; Mikulincer & Shaver)
The Nature & Chemistry of Romantic Love Fisher proposed that humanity has evolved three core brain systems for mating and reproduction: 1. Lust - the sex drive or libido, also described as borogodó. 2. Attraction - early stage intense romantic love. 3. Attachment - deep feelings of union with a long term partner.
Love as a motivation • One of her central ideas is that romantic love is a drive that is stronger than the sex drive. • As she has said, "After all, if you casually ask someone to go to bed with you and they refuse, you don't slip into a depression, commit suicide or homicide--but around the world people suffer terribly from romantic rejection."
Romantic Love as Drives • Tenacious (cannot be easily dispelled) unlike emotions that can change/ dissipate easily and rapidly. • Focused on the reward (the beloved) unlike emotions are focused on the phenomenon. • Not associated with facial expression while emotions are. • Difficult to control unlike emotions (eg. anger). • Like all basic drives, it is associated with elevated activity of the central domain.
Biochemicals involved in Love and Desire • Testosterone “fuels for lust” • Oxytocins “the cuddle hormone” • Dopamine “desire neurotransmitter” • Serotonin “helps one experience satisfaction” • Epinephrine & Norepinephrine (facilitate arousal and orgasm)
Symptoms of Romantic Love • Begins when an individual comes to regard another as special, even unique. • Attentional focus towards the beloved aggrandizing positive traits and minimizing flaws. • Lovers experience extreme energy, hyperactivity, sleeplessness, impulsivity, euphoria, and mood swings. • Goal oriented and strongly motivated to win the beloved. • Adversity heightens their passion (frustration attraction)
Symptoms of Romantic Love 6. Lovers are emotionally dependent on the relationship. (Craves emotional union) 7. They reorder their daily priorities to remain in contact with their sweetheart and experience separation anxiety when apart. 8. Powerful empathy (would die for their beloved). 9. Intrusive obsessive thinking. 10. Intense sexual desire and sexual contact.
Romantic love is an interplay of behavioral systems: attachment, caregiving andsexual mating.
Adult Romantic Attachment • In late 1980s, this theory was extended to adult romantic relationships by Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver.(Adult Romantic Attachment) • The emotional and behavioral dynamics of infant-caregiver relationships and adult romantic relationships are governed by the same biological system. • Proximity maintenance • Safe haven • Separation distress • Secure base
Society Purposeful + Flourishing Relationships
Purposeful Positive Relationship Behaviors • Building a MINDFUL (conscious process that requires moment to moment effort) Relationship connection. • Knowing and Being Known • Relationship enhancing attributions to behaviors (+ behaviors to dispositional causes, - behavior to situational/ external causes) • Accepting and Respecting (Mindful accepting of personal strengths and weaknesses). • Maintaining Reciprocity and continuity in minding.
Purposeful Positive Relationship Behaviors 2. Creating a Culture of Appreciation. Gottman proposed that magic ratio of 5:1 (Five positive interactions to one negative interaction.) Express gratitude is the primary means for creating a positive culture.
Purposeful Positive Relationship Behaviors 3. Capitalizing on Positive Events You tell others of the positive events in one’s life/ relationships. (Telling friends and family about your daily good stuff) enhanced positive affect & well being + relationship satisfaction & intimacy.
Purposeful Positive Relationship Behaviors 4. Let your partner influence you. Open to changes and experiences…
Purposeful Positive Relationship Behaviors 5. Let your partner be your best friend. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways.
Gottman’s Theory of Making A Relationship Work • Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman
Society Purposeful + Flourishing Relationships