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Elders All


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Elders All

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  2. Cowboy’s wish • An elderly couple, James and Sarah, are "snowbirds" in Texas. James always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"Sarah looks him over, "Nope."Frustrated James storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely without clothes except for the boots.Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"Sarah looks up and says, "What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

  3. Lulu's Granma. • Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. • One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. • Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" • Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. • "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. • A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" • Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry. " • The policeman fainted.

  4. Old Friends Get Together • A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums. • Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent. • Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. • Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. • 10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,because they had  never been there before  and heard  it was quite good !!!!!!!!!!

  5. What deep thinkers men are...   I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  •      The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. •      My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.  •      The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what?'. •      At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.  •      Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? •      Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.  •      Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.  •      Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. •      A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."  •      On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." •  I rest my case.  Time for another beer. Time for another beer

  6. Keeping Fit • Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared."Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime."Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

  7. HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.  George Phillips, an elderly man, from Tampa, Florida, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay."  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"  George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Dont mess with the eldersdO

  8. Phones down the ages

  9. The Cab Ride I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I walked to the door and knocked..'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.I could hear something being dragged across the floor.After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. • She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's Movie.By her side was a small nylon Suitcase.The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.All the furnitures were  covered with sheets.There were no Clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.In the corner was a cardboard box filled with Photos and  Glassware.'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.I took the suitcase to the Cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.She kept  thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.''Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab,she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?''It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.I looked in the rear-view Mirror. Her eyes were glistening.'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.'I quietly reached over and shut off the Meter.'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.She had me pull up infront of a furniturewarehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a Girl.Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. • As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building,like a small convalescent home,with a driveway that passed under a portico.Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. • 'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her Purse. 'Nothing,' I said'You have to make a living,' she answered.'There are other passengers,' I responded.Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said'Thank you.'I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. • Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life..I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. • For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID,OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL

  10. Senior Indian in US •  Yesterday my son asked me “ Why don’t you do something useful with your time while u r here??? •  He suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age. •  I did this, but went out forgetting my specs and when I got home last night I told him that I had joined a parachute club . •  He said "Are you nuts? You're over 60 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?“ I proudly showed him that I even got a membership card. • He said to me, "You are an idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!“ • I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!  I signed up for five jumps a week! • Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, even over here. 

  11. Grandma's 100th Birthday • The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .... 'Hi, Grandma,you're  looking good! How are they treating you?'Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to thenephew:'Bastards won't let me fart.'

  12. I was working out at the gym when I spotteda sweet young thing walking in.... I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and she wisphered"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

  13. Why I like to retire Ques: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? *Ans The term comes with a 10% percent discount.Que: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? *Ans: Tied shoes.*Question: Why do retirees count pennies?> > *Ans: They are the only ones who have the time.stion: How many days in a week?*Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday*Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? *Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. *Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? *Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.*Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? *Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why do retirees count pennies?> > *Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.> >> > *Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and> > refuses to retire?> > *Answer: NUTS!> > [image: []]> > *Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or> > garage?*> > Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids> > will want to store stuff there.> >> > *Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?*> > Answer: Normal> >> > *Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?> > *Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.> >> > *Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a> > retiree?> > *Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.> > [image: []]> > *Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,* *but > > misses> > the people he used to work with?> > *Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.> >> > *Question: What do you do all week?> > *Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

  14. Momma's Bible - Hilarious!  Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.  They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida . •      The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama. •      The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house." •      The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." •      The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.  It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.  The other brothers were impressed.  After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.\  She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.  Thanks anyway. •      "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.  The thought was good.  Thanks." •      "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind.  I'll never use it.Thank you for the gesture just the same." •      "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.  The chicken was so tender and delicious.  Thank you so much."

  15. AIDS

  16. Catch of the Day •         A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. •         "TskTsk!" said the passerby to himself.  "What a sad sight.  That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers.  I'll see if I can help."  So, the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" •         "Fishin', sir." •         "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" •         The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar.  He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. •         His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?" •         The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!!!!!"

  17. Hope you are not hurt????

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