Conflict Communication

Conflict Communication Part II

Chapter 8 Anger

Anger • What is Anger? • Anger is important—large effects on social relationships • Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure • Antagonism and rage are synonymous • Different from hurt or irritated • May lead to revenge and/or violence • Anger can sometimes be used constructively

*Misconceptions • We are not capable of controlling destructive anger • Uncontrolled and destructive anger expression is natural • Uncontrolled and destructive anger expression is a force that must be “released” • E.g. “venting,” “letting off steam,” ”blow your top” • Others cause our anger

Anger • Most common between close ties • More contact • More caring about the actions/feelings of the other • Greater interdependence • Relationship success matters more • More confident that expression is acceptable • Greater predictability

Anger • Anger manifestations: • 1. One type occurs instantly with no malice or forethought • Even in people not generally viewed as hostile or aggressive. • 2. Another form festers away over time • Revenge. • 3. A third type is attached to one’s personality: trait-like • Beneath the surface • Can quickly manifest when individuals feel pressured, defensive, attacked, told what to do (control)

Anger • Type 3: trait-like anger: • Enduring disposition to experiencing anger more frequently, more intensely, and for a longer • Often tuned to anger-related words • Responds to anger words more quickly than to other emotion words • People who have low-anger trait tend to spontaneously reframe the circumstances in ways that deflect or inhibit their anger

Anger • Different sources of anger: loss of control, frustration, fear, insecurity, loss, sadness • Men and women experience it differently • Men: anger is empowering—they have power and it gives them more • Women: emerges out of feelings of frustration and powerlessness • As people age: • Less likely to exhibit trait anger. • Anger for older adults (~50s and up) is less frequent and less intense • Less overt displays of anger

Anger • Managing Anger: • Three Different Ways of Expressing or Not Expressing One’s Anger: • “Anger-Ins” (hold it in) • “Anger-outs” (express it) • “Anger controllers” (manage it)

Anger • Anger-ins: • Difficulty in admitting that they are angry • Know that they are angry but don’t want to tell the other person • Tell others about their anger • Generally passive aggressive.

Anger • Anger-outs: • Automatic reactions, quick to criticize, blame, and accuse • Minor aggressive acts such as bickering • Verbal aggression • Physical aggression, force

Anger • Anger controllers: • Think positively about conflict • Use techniques to better manage it • Collaborate and work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions • Use the S-TLC system • Negotiate rather than compete • Manage the conflict climate and stress levels • Use assertive communication behavior • Employ the steps of the interpersonal confrontation ritual

Anger • Interpersonal confrontation ritual: • Identify problem(s)/needs/issues • Be honest, be complete • Many people can’t remember what they were fighting about • Signal the need to talk • In a way that doesn’t threaten face or inflame • Confront: talk about your problem • Be assertive, not aggressive • Listen to feedback • Resolve: seek mutual agreement • Seek compromise as a last resort • Follow up: set a time/place

Anger • What to do before expressing (or withholding) anger • *Take time out • Use relaxation exercises • *Engage in self-talk • Seek alternative ways to release anger • *Uncover the emotion that is disguised as anger • *See your part in the problem • *Mentally switch places with the other

Anger • If you must expressing anger: do it effectively • Don’t: yell, make threatening gestures, curse or swear, threaten, mock, or use alcohol as a means of courage • Express after cooling down • Direct at the target • Restore a sense of justice • Regain control • Don’t invite retaliation • Anticipate the effect of your words and actions • Try to keep the other focused on the here and now

Anger • If another is the one in anger: • Remain calm • Acknowledge the source of anger • Listen and reflect • Walk away if necessary • But promise to engage later

Managing “Face” Chapter 9

Conflict and Face Issues • What is it? • Impression or “image” people have of themselves • *Based on the approval and acceptance of others • “Looking glass self” • Isn’t necessarily very accurate • One of our most valuable possessions • Often very fragile • Heavily guarded; well defended • All this is “impression management”

Conflict and Face Issues • Fundamental assumption: • People are motivated to create and maintain impressions of themselves (core of many conflict situations) • Demands of “face”: • Create and sustain self-identity; create, protect, and maintain others’ identities • When people lose face: shame (self-focused) and/or guilt (behavior-focused) • May also seek retaliation

Conflict and Face Issues • Positive face: • A positive and consistent self image that is accepted by the group, peers, others • We want to feel that others approve and agree with this (somewhat fictional) self image • Desire to be liked and admired • Relates to self-esteem issues

Conflict and Face Issues • Face-threatening act: acts that conflict with the face wants and needs • Autonomous face (also “negative face”): • I’m in control of my fate, responsible; mature • I’m self-sufficient, independent, reliable • May be seen as “silent leaders” • “I’m part of the team, but I lead by example” • Impose on my freedom to be in control: face threat (respond with defensiveness) • Psychological reactance

Conflict and Face Issues • What triggers negative face threats? • Threat, order, warning, request, reminder, suggestion, advice, promise, expressions of admiration, envy, hated, lust • We can signal that we have weak negative face: • Expressing thanks, accepting thanks, accepting an apology, accepting an excuse, accepting an offer

Other “Face” Concepts • Fellowship face: • Need to be seen as a valued member of the group • Focus on cohesiveness, equal participation, etc. • Don’t stand out from the others • Competence face • Our desire to be identified with a role • E.g. I’m the computer expert. I’m very competent • I want to be seen as reliable by my peers • Threaten: defensiveness

Conflict and Face Issues • Protecting others’ autonomy face: • Ask open-ended questions • Listen without judging • Explore options • Don’t exclude others

Conflict and Face Issues • Facework: • Establish/maintain impressions of ourselves to others; support or deny the impressions that others are making • "the communicative strategies one uses to enact self-face and to uphold, support, or challenge another person's face" (Masumoto, Oetzel, Takai, Ting-Toomey, & Yokochi, 2000).

Conflict and Face Issues • Preventive facework—tactics • See the situation from the other’s perspective • How does the issue affect the other and the other’s self-image? • Initially (at least) accept what the other person says at “face” value • Accept the other person’s right to change his or her mind • Avoid face-threatening topics; use communication practices that minimize threats to face.

Conflict and Face Issues • Preventive facework—tactics • Use politeness and disclaimers • Hedging: indicate uncertainty and receptivity to suggestions • Cognitive disclaimer: asserting that the behavior is reasonable and under control, despite appearances • Credentialing: indicating you have good reasons and appropriate qualifications for your statements • Sin license: indicating that this is an appropriate occasion to violate the rule; not a character defect. • Appeal for suspended judgment: asking the other to withhold judgment until it is explained.

Conflict and Face Issues • Supportive Facework helps reinforce the way the other is presenting himself or herself • 1. Do I try to make the other feel important? • 2. Do I try to make the other look good to other people? • 3. Do I try to make the other think that they are winning? • 4. Do I try to make the other feel secure? • 5. Do I try to make the other believe that I am honest and trustworthy?

Conflict and Face Issues • Corrective Facework : statements meant to ameliorate the effect of face-threatening messages • 1. People overestimate their own level of cooperation and underestimate the other person’s • 2. Scanning: checking out the perceptions created • Question the other to confirm • 3. Explaining: used when we perceive that the other has not taken our message in the way we meant it

Conflict and Face Issues • Repair Sequence (ritual) • 1. Offending situation: the other’s behavior is perceived as intentional and hurtful • Whether accurate or not • Face threatening: hard to continue until addressed • 2. Reproach: request for an explanation of an offense from the one offended • Verbal, nonverbal, aggressive, passive-aggressive • If perception (step 1) is inaccurate, this can be a trigger

Conflict and Face Issues • Repair Sequence (continued) • 3. Remedy (account): • Refuse to act or even note (most unsatisfying) • Provide an account (explanation: excuse or justification) • Concessions admit the offender’s guilt and offer restitution • Apologies are admissions of blameworthiness and regret on the part of the offender • supplied by an offender • 4. Acknowledgment: evaluation of the account supplied by the one offended • We’re even, we’re OK, I accept your reason • Or, rejection of the remedy

Image Restoration Remedies • Excuse • Impairment, diminished responsibility, scapegoat status, victim of sad circumstances, etc. • Justification • No harm occurred, it was deserved, other people do it, I meant well, I had a responsibility to do it • Concession • I admit it, let me make it up • Apology • I admit it, and I truly regret it Weak restore Strong restore

Apologies • Admission of blameworthiness AND regret • Request for pardon, self-castigation, help • Offender wants to restore positive face • Appearance of a genuine apology can lessen emotional state of those with high trait hostility

Conflict and Face Issues • Conflict And Impression Management In Cyberspace • Attractiveness of friends who leave messages on person’s wall in Facebook affects impressions of that person’s attractiveness • Comments made by others about a person on his or her profile are more influential in creating impressions than self-made statements • Facebook used more by socially adept people to strengthen relationships than by socially anxious people to create them

Conflict and Face Issues • Responding to Others • Results indicate that apologies and/or offering some corrective action were seen as the most appropriate and effective ways to restore one’s image

Conflict and Face Issues • Conflict And Impression Management In Cyberspace • In their study of online conflict, Smith, McLaughlin, and Osborne found that few people replied to reproaches and seldom completed the traditional repair sequence • Negative conflict behaviors were more frequent in CMC than FTF • Higher levels of avoidance and lower levels of forcing in computer-mediated negotiation

Forgiveness Chapter 10

Forgiveness • Is there an event in your life that you find difficult to forgive? • Why? • What would it take for you to forgive? • What are the consequences of forgiving? • What have been the consequences of not forgiving?

Forgiveness • Most important part of conflict management • Only way to transform the meaning of the event • Only way to minimize the likelihood of repeating the event • Repeats become more destructive with each iteration • Not needed in every conflict situation • Depends on intimacy of relationship, degree of outcome importance • Conscious decision to reduce our focus on the event • We decide not to change the future based on the past • We decide to move beyond “victimization”

Forgiveness • Reconciliation: • The process of restoring a damaged relationship (creating a new one, more accurately) • Forgiving and reconciling are not the same • We can forgive, but choose not to reconcile (or even let them know we forgive) • Forgiving and reconciling are not one-time events • We tend to return to them cognitively and emotionally • We deal with different parts over time • Competent conflict managers use forgiveness and reconciliation strategies effectively • Develop a repertoire of responses

Without competence in forgiveness and reconciliation skills, relationships will end And generate history, feelings, and other effects that persist

Forgiveness • Relational Transgressions • Concern core relational rules • Expectations about the way we should behave toward others and the way they should behave toward us • We assume a truth bias toward friends and lovers. • Deception: deliberately altering information to change a person’s perceptions • We assume a helping orientation toward friends and lovers • Violations leave strong emotional residues

Forgiveness • Forgiveness: cognitive process; letting go of feelings of revenge and desires to retaliate. • Aids in transforming the meaning of the event, or changing the way we view the event and the person • Reframing is key • Unforgiveness: cognitive process; not letting go of feeling of revenge and retaliation • Revenge: “an eye for an eye.” • Reconciliation: behavioral process; actions to restore a relationship or create a new one • Distinct from forgiveness.

Forgiveness • Advantages Of Forgiveness • Mental Health • Raises self-esteem and lowers depression • Physical Health • Unforgiveness creates stress; harsh long-term effects • Higher levels of pain for trait-based unforgiveness • Widely demonstrated links to cardiovascular health • Why don’t we forgive? • Other hasn’t admitted wrongdoing, apology insincere, desire to be a victim • Empathy skill leads to higher levels of forgiveness • Age—younger (college age study) = harder • Don’t know how, no support

Forgiveness • Working through forgiveness • Can be taught: it’s a skill • Levels of Forgiveness • Forgiveness for own sake (it’s healthy, feels better) • Forgiveness because of empathy: understanding that the other needs forgiveness, or… • Forgiveness for the sake of the relationship (not necessarily the other or self) • Higher level of empathy: he/she is “like me” (difficult) • Even higher level of empathy: “I am like him/her” (most difficult) • I could do this to others, too

Forgiveness • Working Through Reconciliation (optional) • Levels of Reconciliation • No reconciliation: repression, victim status, low trust, bitterness • Possible reconciliation: • Usually after admission • Conditional reconciliation • After expression of regret and apology • Processual reconciliation • Some attempt at a remedy • Restoration

Forgiveness • Working Through Reconciliation (cont.) • Steps toward Reconciliation • 1: Account and apology (we usually need these to proceed) • 2: Acceptance of account and apology or its absence • We must reframe the other and the event • 3: Forgiveness may or may not be verbally communicated • We may simply act as though it’s forgiven • 4: Transforming the relationship, if desired • Less intimate, more intimate, different type of relationship • 5: Actions confirm forgiveness and reconciliation • Beware negative self-fulfilling prophecies: we can create the behaviors in the other we expect to see • Create positive self-fulfilling prophecies

Forgiveness • Working Through Reconciliation (cont.) • Forgiveness and reconciliation feed each other in ongoing relationships: • After forgiving one another, we tell each other that the act is forgiven, which allows us to act without reference to the offense • In turn, we feel better about our relationship and can talk about our relationship without reference to the offense. • In turn, actions confirm words which creates the reality of our forgiveness.

Forgiveness • Moving Beyond Victimization: • We tend to want to find someone to blame (not ourselves) • Sometimes, we must forgive without communication • When reconciliation is not safe, not possible, not desired by you. Not desired by the transgressor, etc. • In these cases, any expression of anger, hurt, etc. may make it worse: we can’t risk the vulnerability • We learn to “move on”; drop the baggage • Seeking revenge hurts us more • We MUST do this if we want to continue interaction • Sometimes realize that, like us, the other is doing the best that he/she can

Conflict Communication