Revising the First Draft

1. Revising the First Draft Autobiographical Narrative

2. Check Your Opening Paragraph • Check for passages that sound “wooden.” • Check to see if the style and tone of the opening paragraph fit in with the rest of your narrative. • Did you open with dialogue or a “hook” to grab the interest of your audience?

3. Try These Beginnings • Begin with an anecdote (short amusing story) • Begin with a memorable experience • Begin with a question (not one of my personal favorites). • Begin with a thought-provoking quotation. • Begin with an ironic observation. • Begin with a surprising statement. • Begin in the middle of things by sketching a scene. • Begin with a statistic.

4. Check Your Sequence of Points • Did you consistently follow a chronological order? • Did you use and follow a plot diagram? • Did you incorporate Flashback?

5. Check for Adequate Examples and Details • Check your paragraphs for completeness. • Sometimes an anecdote or extended example is all that is needed to beef up an otherwise empty paragraph.

6. Check Paragraph Transitions • Did you use transitional words and phrases to “stitch” together ideas that might not automatically flow? • On the other hand • The fact is • Moreover • Furthermore • In contrast to • First, second, third

7. Achieving Style • “Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret of style.” So wrote Matthew Arnold (1822-1888), the English poet and critic. • Style does not have the same meaning in writing as it does in fashion. • In fashion, style can mean to be fancy or frilly • Style in writing means expressing yourself in a way that is uniquely you.

8. Simplify Your Grammar • The first principle of clarity is to write sentences that clearly say who is doing what in the subject and what is being done in the predicate. • Examine the following: • A lack of agreement on the part of the Honors Program Committee prevented the determination of whether an additional amount of money was needed for student recruitment of endeavors by the Honors Society.

9. Simplify Your Grammar • The previous sentence is not only long, but unclear in the relationship between the subject and the predicate. • The actor, the Honors Program Committee, skulks behind an abstract noun – lack of agreement – while the contemplated action – spending extra money – crouches behind a passive verb. Check out the rewrite: • The Honors Committee could not agree on whether it should spend more money to recruit students for the Honors Society.

10. Express Action in Verbs, Rather than Nouns • Noun constructions tend to make actions seem as if they were impersonal objects, rather than freely-made choices. • Verbs, on the other hand, add directness, briskness, and accountability. • Consider the following: • There will be a freezing of all funds. In expressing the action as a noun (a freezing), the writer fails to name a responsible “doer of the action” aka the actor.

11. Express Action in Verbs, Rather than Nouns • The previous sentence should be revised to read: • The president will freeze all funds. Here are some other examples along with revision: Noun construction: There was an instant dissemination of information on the part of the officers to the troops. Rewrite: The officers instantly disseminated the information to the troops.

12. Avoid the Passive Voice • English has two voices: the active and the passive. • In the Active Voice, actor and action are clearly linked through a straightforward verb: • Jimsmashed Susie’s pumpkinwith a hammer. • In Passive Voice, the actor is often disguised by the construction of the verb: • Susie’s pumpkin was smashed with a hammer. • The culprit (Jim) lurks unnamed in the passive voice.

13. Avoid Redundancy • Redundancy refers to the use of unnecessarily repetitious language such as the overuse of word pairs: • True and accurate • Long and hard • Willing and able • Hope and trust, • Basic and fundamental

14. Redundancy • A second redundancy occurs through the use of a word whose meaning is implicit in an earlier word. • Examples: • Saying that a table is round in shape (round implies shape) • Saying “few in number” (few implies number) • Saying “red in color” (red IS a color).

15. Triteness • Triteness is the use of stale expressions and prepackaged phrases. • Examples: • Worth her weight in gold • As clear as day • The burning question • It is better to write down what you have to say plainly without using any of these lame phrases.

16. Revising to Eliminate Triteness Needs Revision Revise to read as the following: Today Today Because Although If When Before After About must • In this day and age • nowadays • Owing to the fact that • Despite the fact that • If it should happen that • On the occasion of • In anticipation of • Subsequent to • Concerning the matter • It is necessary that

17. Grandiosity • Grandiosity is an annoying fondness for big words over common ones. • In prose, plainer is usually better. • The common word is usually more effective • Grandiosity can be avoided if you say what you have to say in plain and simple English. • The following slide will show examples of terms to avoid.

18. Grandiosity Revision Suggestions Grandiose Words Common Terms End Help Find out Try Beginning, start See Happen Biting Burning cross • Terminate • Facilitate • Ascertain • Endeavor • Inception • Envisage • Transpire • Incisive • Conflagrant • traverse

19. Vary Sentence Types • Variety is the spice of style. • Passages that monotonously begin with the same word or use the same sentence type and length are stultifying to read. • Source: McCuen, Jo Ray and Anthony C. Winkler. From Idea to Essay: A Rhetoric, Reader, and Handbook. Pearson Longman. NY, 2006.