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CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships

CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships. gardening metaphor for relationship. Miller: assertive message. concrete behavior interpretation feelings consequences. Do interests converge or diverge?. Negotiations (Steve’s version). Competitive bargaining

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CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships

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  1. CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships

  2. gardening metaphor for relationship

  3. Miller: assertive message • concrete behavior • interpretation • feelings • consequences

  4. Do interests converge or diverge?

  5. Negotiations (Steve’s version) • Competitive bargaining • Collaborative bargaining • Interpersonal bargaining

  6. Goals • to win • mutual benefit • greater good, transformation

  7. Bargaining Approach • competitive • outcomes interdependent • cooperative, ecologically interdependent

  8. What Counts as Evidence? • what we want/need • objective criteria • emotions, reason, empirical evidence, community values

  9. Communication Style • formal, no trust, hostility • collegial, substantial trust • dialogic, significant trust & vulnerability, caring

  10. Assumptions about Communication • communication as container of meaning • communication as linkage • communication as performance, voice, narrative

  11. Assumptions about Structure • hierarchical, authority based • hierarchical, input encouraged • egalitarian, democratic

  12. Leadership Behaviors • directive • participative • flexible, servant leadership

  13. Standpoint or Location • traditional self-interest • enlightened self-interest • feminist, communitarian

  14. Perspective on Bargaining • discrete event • processual during bargaining process • processual, continuously ongoing

  15. Question Pious Assumptions

  16. use a perspective by incongruity

  17. Become aware of your illusions

  18. Awareness

  19. johari window known to self not known to self known to others open blind not known to others hidden unknown

  20. Bochner: self disclosure is a highly overrated activity. personal values - Magritte

  21. Bochner: long term relationships are maintained by illusions of truth, exaggerations of goodness, and less than full communication

  22. Kaminer: we live in a cult of victimage

  23. Are we entitled to be happy? . . . life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

  24. relationships need a spirit of improvisation.

  25. When might we not be direct, honest and straightforward? • hurt feelings • cause anger • damage relationship • lose face

  26. equivocation operates under conditions of uncertainty.

  27. Julia Wood #2 constructive voice loyalty assertive yielding neglect exit destructive

  28. Gender differences in conflict • females talk to maintain relationships • males become aggressive • females enable conversation • males get higher blood pressure • females are trained to be sensitive • males use exit and neglect strategies • females use loyalty and voice strategies

  29. Harriet Lerner Who is responsible for what???? Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Management Model assertion compete collaborate concern for self compromise avoid accomodate non-assertion non-cooperation cooperation concern for other

  30. identify personal preferences for fight patterns, and discuss this in relationships. • avoid • accommodate • compete • compromise • collaborate

  31. avoid - avoid • avoid - accommodate • avoid - compete • avoid - compromise • avoid - collaborate

  32. accommodate - accommodate • accommodate - compete • accommodate - compromise • accommodate - collaborate • compete - compete

  33. compete - compromise • compete - collaborate • compromise - compromise • compromise - collaborate • collaborate - collaborate

  34. We place responsibility for what happens in a relationship either in ourselves, the other person, or perhaps in the luck of the situation.

  35. ponder these: your parent calls and asks how you are doing in your classes. You don’t think you are doing as well as he/she would like you to do.

  36. your roommate asks what you think of the bright posters they’ve just put up around the room. You think they are a bit tacky.

  37. Your romantic partner asks how many other people you’ve really loved before you met her/him. You don’t want to be truthful.

  38. Your boss at work wants to know what your plans for the future are. You plan to leave as soon as you find a better job.

  39. Your mother asks you about what your brother/sister has been up to lately. They have been doing something she wouldn’t be happy to hear.

  40. Your romantic partner wants to know why you are spending so much time with your other friends. You have been bored with the relationship lately.

  41. Gottman - two marriages: his and hers • men have a harder time recovering from being upset - blood pressure & heart rate rise higher and stay high longer.

  42. physiologically men don’t need to relate to people as much as women . . .

  43. a relation ship . . . who tends to be in-charge?

  44. In order to keep a man engaged in a difficult discussion, a woman often raises the intensity to keep the man responsive.

  45. The end

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