The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction: Managing Communication, Conflict & Change

1. This Module was a originated by: Molly B Ames Cornell Cooperative Extension Farm Business Management Educator315-788-8450 Ext. 241 mba7@cornell.edu Ruth Maltz NY FarmNet Personal Consultant 585-473-0554 Ralice@aol.com Trish Westenbrook NYCAHM The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction:Managing Communication, Conflict & Change

2. The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction: • Learning Objectives: • Explore decision making and the role of communication and conflict in a family owned business • Discuss family business tensions and conflict resolution methods • Understand individual response to change • Length of Time Needed: • 25 minutes with 5 minutes for activities are needed at a bare minimum. It is recommended to use an abbreviated version if you plan to later have more time to work on each of the sections about communication, conflict and change. • A long version with activities should be given 45 minutes with 15 minutes for activities. AV Equipment: • Laptop • LCD Projector/Screen • Flipchart and markers

4. Presenter: Into Slide • Move quickly to introduce yourself and describe how many families lack the skills of communication which leads to conflict particularly when change is in the making

5. The 3 C’s of Positive Human Interaction: Managing Communication, Conflict & Change Molly B. Ames - mba7@cornell.edu Ruth A. Maltz - Ralice@aol.com 5

6. Presenter: DMAIC While we use 3'C's in the Improve phase, obviously communication is critical in all phases. Change is required in this phase for obvious reasons. It is hard to improve by staying the same. Conflict often arises as a result of change

7. Problem Solving Cycle Define define Control DMAIC* Approach *adapted from Six Sigma Measure Improve Combine alternative generation, decision making and tactical planning Analyze You are Here

8. Presenter: Attributes of Farm Family Business • Farming involves: • People we care about & our life’s work • Involves how we live & how we work • Talk about the fact that in farm businesses we tend to be with the same people 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Our roles may change, but it is hard to move between those roles and learn to communicate effectively. • Shared history cause us to know more about each other than typical co workers do

9. Attributes of Farm Family Businesses Dynamic integration of the: Family Business Living and working together

10. Presenter: Good Communicator Ask the group to list what they thinks makes someone a good communicator (listed below are some common skills a good communicator may have) and record their responses on the flipchart. • active listener • friendly • open, honest, • Makes I statements (I think we should talk about this…) • Stay on one topic • don’t bring up ancient history- Reminding people of past problems does not focus on the problem at hand • chose calm time and place to talk QTIP- Quit Taking It Personally = a memory aid to stay objective You will follow up with this list on the next slide

11. Good Communication! What makes a Good Communicator?

12. Presenter notes: Tools for Communication This is the list that the audience will have in their notebooks the presenter slide is more abbreviated. Go over these in a little more detail • Start with an open mind • Actively listen to viewpoints & feelings • Verify what you think you heard • Make “I statements” Starting with YOU (You always walk away when there is a problem)-- Cuts communication because it sounds accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive • Keep to one topic • Don’t talk when upset or rushed • Don’t raise your voice • Avoid ultimatums • Avoid pitfalls (sarcasm, criticism, blame, name calling, and over generalization) • Remain objective • QTIP (quit taking it personally) • Listen & Understand others concerns • Include all parties in the discussion • Seek or create common ground • Ask Questions- what is really going on? • Respect individual differences

13. Tools for Communication • Be positive and respectful • Active listening • Be inclusive • Seek common ground

14. Presenter notes: Conflict Issues in Farm Family Business • Conflict can arise in Family farm businesses particularly because we expect everyone to have the same values, goals, and understand their roles when quite frequently it is unspoken and no one knows the “rules) Go over these items that cause conflict and why: • Values/Personalities - what is important? This varies among family members and some habits of others can be annoying/frustrating • goals- long & short term – Ideas for the future can be different • Siblings and different generations in same family have different personalities- shy, assertive, aggressive, doormat, open, guarded, friendly, hostile, bossy • what is each job? Who is responsible for what? • Organization about who reports to who- do all family members rank above staff? What about in- laws, step children, etc • Struggle between farm and family for resources -Does new tractor come before home repairs?

15. Conflict Issues in Farm Family Business • Differences • Personality/values/goals • Who is in Charge? • Role clarity • Unequal ownership • Purse strings/ management • Family and business compete for resources • A new piece of equipment or a home repair?

16. Presenter notes: Many Farms are Family Businesses Talk about how our reaction to conflict is often influenced by our family & life experiences. So family members may share typical reactions to conflict. Read the slide and then talk about some things that can change such a reaction: • Avoid ultimatums- be assertive not aggressive • Anger, sarcasm, criticism & blame are control mechanisms and they interrupt communication & problem solving • Don’t bring up the past

17. Many Farms are Family Businesses Conflict beliefs shaped by history If they shout and insist things be done “Their way!” • The result looks like this:

18. Presenter notes: Many farm families are businesses continued Ask “Have you ever walked into a room and felt the chill between people who are fighting?” • Do you know people who, when angry, go for days with out speaking? “the silent treatment” • Anger eats away at the person who holds on to it. • Try saying, “This really needs to be done correctly, let’s review the steps.” • Not “that’s the 5th time you’ve done it wrong!” • Holding onto anger and resentment is a bit like burning down the house to get rid of the mice. It hurts us more than the mice. 18

19. Many Farms are Family Businesses continued.. Conflict beliefs shaped by history If they stop talking and withdraw in angry silence • The result looks like this:

20. Presenter notes: I to I Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior™ • The FIRO model is helpful in understanding what is required for optimal success in a family business that needs to move forward with implementation of change as well as what might have gone wrong when team work and decision making breaks down. • We have simplified this model to make it less “academic” for public consumption, but to be informed it would be best to become familiar (See the FIRO resource material). • We have retitled this to I to I (Inclusion to Integration). Take some time explaining about each of these stages. Simplify what is given on the next couple of presenter slides. The presenter notes are continued on the next presenter slide

21. I to I: Phases in building interpersonal relationships Inclusion Control Integration Who is in and who is out Influence and power exertion Make a whole from the sum of the parts Adapted from the Fundamental Interpersonal Relationship Orientation

22. Presenter Notes: I to I continued • Inclusion is about who is in and who is out of the decision making circle. Inclusion deals with structure, connectedness and shared meaning. There is an emotional interdependence that evolves when two or more decision makers share in the same decision. If there are differing perceptions of inclusion and therefore differing perceptions of role, there will likely be conflict. Feelings of unfairness come when individuals feel excluded from the circle. This may be unintentional and can be corrected or clarified by taking the time to gather everyone at the table for some open communication. It is important to be clear about who needs to be at the table. If an individuals’ input, labor, support, permission, or even just their cooperation is needed, they need to be at the table. If they are not, it will likely come back to haunt at some point. • Control – The interpersonal need to establish and maintain satisfactory relations with people in respect to power and control. This theory suggests there are different styles of control. Some of us tend toward a more dominating than a collaborative style of control. A collaborative style is generally considered more constructive in times of change or decision making. In a situation where there are competing needs, conflict often arises over control. • Finally integration is about individual and collective creativity used to solve problems and get things done. Integration is when a whole is made from the sum of the parts. It is when individuals all have a willingness to take a risk in an environment of trust, creativity, and openness. Presenter materials continued on the next presenter slide:

23. Presenter notes: I to I continued 23 Regardless of the decision, certain fundamental realities dictate how individuals react to the decision making process. Every single one of us has experienced the knot in our stomach when we are presented with an ultimatum, or a “done-deal.” “We decided this is what you need to do.” This kind of decision making does not usually sit well. A decision that “we” never had the chance to have input on is not really “our” decision. It does not feel right. Even if it is the only logical decision given the circumstances, it does not feel good when those impacted have not had the chance to be included in the process. When families get into a situation where they need to make a decision to change, conflict can arise that has nothing to do with the decision at hand but is more about the process and the dynamics driving it. If the family did not define who is in and who is out in such a way that the decision makers at the table now were included from the beginning, then conflict arises. If the control mechanisms, how influence and power is exerted, tend towards dominating and reactive versus collaborative, then conflict arises. This conflict must be worked through before integration can occur and a decision can be made

24. Presenter notes: Conflict • People pulling in opposite directions doesn’t have to equal hostility &/or fighting • Conflict is inevitable • Conflict can be negative or positive depending on how feelings are expressed We tend to think that conflict is negative…. • Things that increase negative conflict: name calling, over generalizing, thinking we are mind readers, bringing up ancient history

25. Conflict People pulling in opposite directions doesn’t have to equal hostility &/or fighting

26. Presenter notes: Benefits of Conflict • Ask “What’s good about conflict?” Give audience a chance to think and respond then go over what is beneficial as listed on the slide • Working through a conflict can give us a better perspective and open us up to new ideas

27. Benefits of Conflict • Signal change is needed • See problem in a new light • Understand another person better • Find new and better ways to do things • Improve a situation • People learn & grow through conflict • Provide energy for change

28. Presenter notes: Downside of Conflict “Just as there are 2 sides to every story, lets look at the negative side of conflict.” When conflict is elevated it can leave us feeling • Unrelenting stress and a feeling of lack of control over your job results in illness • Negative impact on morale (why bother nothing will change) • The stress/aggression takes us off track and we end up not aiming for that compelling vision This continues on the next slide

29. Downside of Conflict continued • Prolonged conflict injures physical & mental health • Diverts time, money & energy from important goals • Can put individual interest over the organization

30. Presenter notes: Downside of Conflict continued Family Members know each other’s Hot Buttons & How to Push Them then it just escalates. It can lead us to distort the truth to get people on our side. It keeps us from doing what we should. Then more distance is created and the old stuff starts resurfacing. • Intense conflict can result in lies & distortion • Recurrent conflict decreases productivity • Creates distance between people • Brings up old history

31. Downside of Conflict continued.. • Intense conflict can result in lies & distortion • Recurrent conflict decreases productivity • Creates distance between people • Brings up old history

32. Presenter notes – Family Business Case discussion Patricia Frishkoff talked about Family or business focus, • This activity gets people involved in a case family situation and think about how conflict should be handled. Family Focus or Business Focus Peace at any cost Impact on Business Family first Employee expectations Read the case to them or give them time to read it and ask them what the problem(s) are and how this should be dealt with. Point out how a small conflict can affect a business and keep growing. This should take 2 or 3 minutes

33. Workshop Activity Family Dairy Business Case • Mom, Son and 2 daughters run the family business • Recently brother-in-law (BIL) started working as herdsman • BIL is increasingly difficult to work with: • He acts like a “Know It All” • He gets combative, bossy or defensive when criticized • He holds his position over the other employees. “If he wasn’t part of the family he wouldn’t be working in this capacity.” Resigning employee said. “I don’t want to hurt my family but, BIL’s refusal to listen has caused good employees to leave.” the sister’s said • Identify the problem(s) • Steps to improve

34. Presenter: Types of Negotiation • Now we are going to spend some time talking about how to be assertive without so much aggression to make conflict beneficial. • We will look at two forms of negotiation, competitive and mutual • Remember we have already talked about differences in values and personalities that motivate us. Presenter notes continued on the next presenter slide

35. Conflict Resolution Basics • If feelings are strong, schedule a time to talk after a brief cooling off period. • Both people need time to focus on the situation without interruptions. • Set ground rules - Take turns (one talks- other listens) Stay on ONE TOPIC, Be respectful of each other. • 4. Share information in the form of I see, I feel, I think, I want, I need • 5. Negotiate creatively for a win-win strategy

36. Presenter notes: Types of Negotiation Competitive negotiation example: • Two partners deciding what to plant this year • One may pull rank and say “ I’ve more experience” • One may dig up the past /we lost $ on your last idea How to negotiate the situation: “If you can’t control the wind, Move the sails!” • Divide field in half each plant what they want • Agree to objective criteria – using a CCE Educator • Agree to find out what the current market is Presenter notes continued on the next slide

37. Types of Negotiation • Competitive • Win – Lose • Competitive Negotiation • Demand & Claim All • Suspicious & Closed • Tug of War • Mutual Gains • Seek Win - Win • Agreements • Find Mutual Interests • Trusting & Open • Cooperative

38. Presenter notes: Types of Negotiation • Negotiating Mutual Gains • Helps parties realize that they have common interests. • Look for Creative solutions- increased flexibility. • Interests Define the problem Look for compatible interests behind conflicting positions – ask Why? • Example- Farmer needs to buy tractor in spring for planting NOW– funds are low • Neighbor’s price to sell tractor high – needs $ for son’s tuition in Fall • Understanding needs of each- Down payment now and gain use of tractor • Big payment after harvest in time for neighbor to pay tuition • The most powerful interests are basic human needs • When talking about interests: Be specific but flexible; Acknowledge both sides interests • Look forward, not back • Segue into Change as a part of life • Excerpted from GETTING TO YES by ROGER FISHER & WILLIAM URY

39. Presenter notes: Change is a part of Life We can approach change with a negative attitude and it let it occur to us. However, businesses can’t survive without change and if you view it negatively you will: • View change as a loss • Delay decisions to put off the inevitable • Respond reactively to things as they happen • You will need luck just to survive This topic continues with another slide.

40. Change is Part of Life • Businesses can’t survive without change • View change as a loss • Delay decisions • Respond reactively • You need luck to survive For Sale by Owner

41. Presenter notes: Change is a part of Life continued. • You can choose to approach change with a proactive attitude and see change as an opportunity. • How can you be proactive? (discuss some ways). • Be open to new ways of doing things • There can by multiple ways that work • Learn about technology & people. • What does the market want? • What is my competition? • Have International Market Laws changed? 41

42. Change is Part of Life continued.. • View change as an opportunity • Watch for new trends • Respond proactively • Business thrives

43. Presenter: Another look at change • Reactive or proactive responses to change are really not two separate responses to change but rather two ends of a continuum. People can have an overall orientation toward change that means that a person most often responds in a certain way. But it is also true that, depending upon the intensity of meaning a specific change has, a person could react differently than usual. For example, a person may usually respond to change in a fairly positive and proactive way. But, that same person could have a huge sense of loss if they lost a job or business that they felt frames who they are.

44. Another Look at Change

45. Presenter Note: Additional thoughts for tying change and segue to resilience • Change is everywhere today. Major change is occurring in almost every aspect of people's personal and work lives. That change is not just technological either. Change has affected how people interact with each other. It has affected the policies and regulations that guide their work. Many industries, including agriculture, have experienced structural changes that are now impacting how business is done. There are many value and ethical questions that these changes are creating. In the midst of all this change, many people are asking themselves, "What are we to do?" They often feel overwhelmed because they feel that what they always depended upon to be true, no longer is.

46. What is Resilience? • The ability to bounce back and try again when things don’t turn out as we’ve planned

47. Presenter: Resilience • Say that Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, Change your attitude. Don’t complain.” • Now lead into the topic of resilience because “We increase our ability to overcome adversity by coping with life’s challenges”

48. Building Resilience We increase our ability to overcome adversity by coping with life’s challenges

49. Presenter notes: Building Resilience Talk about resilience by the following points and then refer to the slide and the things farmers do in their lives • Our ability to cope, is based on an interaction of nature & nurture. • Our personality • Our attitude toward life (negative or positive) • Our expectations of how things should be impact our resilience • What we think “should be”and “what they are” can be very different

50. Building Resilience continued Farmer’s do superhuman things • Work 24/7 • Meet tight deadlines (planting, harvest, breeding) • Cope with weather, diseases, & other uncertainties