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Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003

Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003. HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH. Co-Parenting Lifestyle Change Businesslike Relationship Long-term Commitment. Parallel Parenting. Letters Email Supervised time sharing Strict court orders. Co-Parenting Types. Perfect Pals

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Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003

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  1. Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003

  2. HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH

  3. Co-Parenting Lifestyle ChangeBusinesslike RelationshipLong-term Commitment

  4. Parallel Parenting • Letters • Email • Supervised time sharing • Strict court orders

  5. Co-Parenting Types • Perfect Pals • Cooperative Colleagues • Angry Associates • Fiery Foes • Dissolved Duos

  6. Developmentally Appropriate • Age and Ability • Interests • Family Background and Culture • Emotional, Physical, Mental, and Social Needs

  7. Your child’s development determines appropriate: • Time share arrangements • Explanations of lifestyle • Parenting activities

  8. Stress Management Teach your children. • Be a Role model. • Use services like your public library.

  9. AGENDA • 6:30 pm Registration • 6:35 pm Introduction • 6:45 pm Positive Aspects of Divorce • 7:00 pm Managing Stress/Videos • 7:20 pm Break • 7:30 pm Development and Divorce • 8:00 pm Co-Parenting Plans • 8:30 pm Referrals & Attendance

  10. You will learn: • How to talk about your family lifestyle • Stress management • Wise parenting plans • Co-Parenting styles

  11. Positive Features of Co-Parenting Families • Fastest growing family type • Strong parent-child relationships • Brothers and sisters are close.

  12. Children Learn • home management skills • to be cautious about relationships • self reliance • realistic expectations of adults

  13. Think long term! • Children in co-parenting families recover in two years. • 50% of co-parenting fathers abandon their children in 10 years.

  14. Managing Stress • Maintain routines • Talk about feelings • Delegate or out source • Release tension for health

  15. Grief • Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance

  16. Stages of Divorce 1. Disillusionment 2. Erosion 3. Detachment 4. Physical Separation 5. Mourning 6. Second Adolescence 7. Resolution

  17. Types of Divorce • Emotional • Legal • Financial • Co-Parent • Community • Psychological

  18. Children can feel all of the emotions that adults feel.

  19. Explaining divorce to children Goal 1 - Still parents Goal 2 - Mutual decision Goal 3 - Same routines Goal 4 - Listen

  20. Key Concepts Adult relationships change. Parents love children forever. Divorce is an adult decision. We can talk about this.

  21. Childhood Adjustments Changing concepts Blame self and others Guilt and shame Fantasy of reconciliation Accept lifestyle.

  22. Children’s Needs Meaningful daily contact Dependable, predictable routine and schedule Verbal and physical comfort and reassurance

  23. Children’s Needs Safety and security Clear limits Stable parents Few changes

  24. Infant and Toddler Needs Rapid development and little memory (no more than 2 or 3 days without seeing either parent.) To trust parent to return soon. Undivided attention.

  25. Infant and Toddler Needs Simple, brief, repeated explanations. Consistent routines, toys, foods, and environments.

  26. Preschooler Tell 1-2 weeks before a change. Parent models calm acceptance. Introduce necessary changes gradually.

  27. Preschooler Provide much opportunity for play. Avoid unnecessary separation. Assure child of your return.

  28. Preschooler Read aloud age appropriate books on family. Listen

  29. School-age Tell, together, as soon as possible. Provide a strong sense of cooperation. Do projects and activities together.

  30. School-age Stable parent involvement in school, church, sports, and social activities. Reassurance that parents will continue as parents.

  31. School-age Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage play and exercise.

  32. Teenage Tell, together, as soon as possible. Allow child time to handle feelings. Avoid power struggles.

  33. Teenage Be available. Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage physical exercise.

  34. Teenage Maintain parent role. Maintain adult privacy.

  35. Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Infant child care 1-4 hrs 3 x’s per wk routine home familiar park place Toddler child care 1 day 2 x per wk favorite park no overnight objects home routine

  36. Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Pre- outside overnight 1 x per wk favorite school child’s 1 day objects home 1 week pattern School- outside weekend 1 x per wk belongings in age child’s to 6 wks each home home parent involved predictable pattern

  37. Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Teenager outside few min. 1 contact peers child’s 1 yr or per negotiable home more week activities inside employment dorm

  38. Infants and Toddlers within home, child care, or park 1-4 hours 3 times each week

  39. Toddler • no overnights • regular routine • take favorite objects along

  40. Preschooler • home, child care, park, trip • take favorite objects along

  41. Preschooler • overnight to one week • at least one time each week • predictable pattern

  42. School-age • home, camp, trip, after school • one time each week • overnight to six weeks

  43. School-age • own belongings in each home • predictable pattern • parent involvement in activities

  44. Teenager • outside child’s home or in dorm room or apartment • peer relations, activities, employment, independence, mobility

  45. Teenager • few minutes to one year or longer • at least weekly contact • negotiable routine

  46. Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • More time and frequency is generally better than less. • Children adjust better when parents are not fighting.

  47. Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • Greater distance requires greater effort. • Stay in same town.

  48. Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • Telephone calls, letter, fax, gifts, and email supplement time together. • Child’s needs take precedence over adults needs.

  49. OKLAHOMA COOPERATIVE EXTENSION SERVICE

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