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Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins. Resume: 2013 Record 3-13 565-546-27 all time August $6 footlong “Featured value” sub is the Subway BBQ Oven Roasted Chicken Melt Vegas Betting Odds : Superbowl Champions 65/1 NFC Champions 30/1

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Washington Redskins

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  1. Washington Redskins • Resume: • 2013 Record 3-13 • 565-546-27 all time • August $6 footlong “Featured value” sub is the Subway BBQ Oven Roasted Chicken Melt • Vegas Betting Odds: • Superbowl Champions 65/1 • NFC Champions 30/1 • Fun Fact: in 1940, the Redskins lost to the Bears by a score of 73-0. One year old Mike Ditka scored 7 Touchdowns.

  2. NY Giants • Resume: • 2013 record: 7-9 • 661-547-33 All Time • Vegas Betting Odds: • Superbowl Champions: 45/1 • NFC champions 26/1 • Fun Fact: • The Giant WR core last year was actually the 4th shortest group in the league. (Inception noise) • The Giants were founded in 1925 for $500. Now worth in excess of $1 million

  3. Philadelphia Eagles • Resume: • 2013 record: 10-6 • 531-567-26 All Time • Strong fan base, led by megastar Bradley Cooper • Vegas Betting Odds: • Superbowl Champions: 28/1 • NFC Champions: 15/1 • Fun Facts: • Bradley Cooper is 10+ years sober • Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend, Suki Waterhouse, is moving in with him. They are in love. • “BC is really hot” -Erin Gosser • “I’d totally have sex with him” –Aaron Gosser

  4. Dallas Cowboys • Resume: • 2013 record 8-8 • 464-348-6 all time • 12-11 all time vs Detroit Lions • Vegas Betting Odds: • Superbowl champ 70/1 • NFC Champ 30/1 • TRIVIA: • In Back to the Future 3, what name does Marty use when he goes back to the year 1885?

  5. CHICAGO BEARS RESUME • 2013 RECORD: 8-8 • ODDS TO WIN SUPER BOWL 20:1 • FUN FACTS: • ALSHON JEFFERY AND BRANDON MARSHALL COMBINED FOR 2,716 RECEIVING YARDS LAST SEASON • THE 2012 BEARS ALLOWED 17.3 PPG, WHILE THE 2013 BEARS ALLOWED 29.9 PPG • THE BEARS HAVE THE MOST HALL OF FAMERS IN NFL HISTORY (29) • HEAD COACH MARC TRESTMAN USED TO PLAY GUITAR AT BAR MITZVAHS AS A YOUNG ADULT.

  6. GREEN BAY PACKERS RESUME • 2013 RECORD: 8-7-1 • ODDS TO WIN SUBER BOWL 15:1 • FUN FACTS: • WON THE NFC NORTH THE PAST 3 SEASONS AND MADE THE PLAYOFFS THE LAST 5 SEASONS • PACKERS STOCK COSTS $250 A SHARE, PAYS NO DIVIDENDS, BENEFITS FROM NO EARNINGS, ISN’T TRADEABLE, AND HAS NO SECURITIES-LAW PROTECTION. • SHEA MCCLELLIN BROKE AARON (PRONOUNCED A-A-RON) RODGERS CLAVICLE

  7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS RESUME • 2013 record: 5-10-1 • ODDS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL 150:1 • THE 2013 VIKINGS ALLOWED 30 PPG (WORST IN THE NFL) • CHRISTIAN PONDER IS MARRIED TO ESPN PERSONALITY SAMANTHA PONDER, THEIR WEDDING NIGHT DINNER WAS AT ARBYS • “MEDIA BLASTS THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS FOR DOING LITTLE TO UPGRADE THEIR FANS”-THE ONION • THE AUDUBON CALLS NEW VIKINGS STADIUM A “DEATH TRAP” FOR BIRDS (SCHEDULED TO OPEN IN 2016) • THE MALL OF AMERICA IS THE SIZE OF 78 FOOTBALL FIELDS

  8. DETROIT LIONS RESUME • 2013 RECORD: 7-9 • ODDS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL 40:1 • ONLY TEAM IN NFL HISTORY TO GO 0-16 • WENT 5-11 IN 2005 • HAVE ONLY 1 PLAYOFF WIN SINCE 1957 • HAVE ONLY REACHED DOUBLE DIGIT WINS 5 TIMES SINCE 1957 • MATTHEW STAFFORD’S COMPLETION % LAST YEAR WAS 58.5 • DETROIT IS THE ONLY CITY FROM WHICH YOU CAN LOOK SOUTH INTO CANADA

  9. New Orleans Saints • Resume: • 2013 Record: 11-5, 2nd NFC South • Eliminated Divisional Round @ Seattle • All-time Record: 317-400-5 • Kenos03 Odds: • Number of teeth average Saints fan has: O/U 11.5 • Fun Fact: • Wolfman/Coordinator Rob Ryan spent the offseason at Mardi Gras, Irish festival, crushing pizzas at restaurants, and crushing chicks at Hooters.

  10. Carolina Panthers • Resume: • 2013 Record 12-4, 1st NFC South • Eliminated Divisional Round vs. SF • All-time Record: 144-160 • Kenos03 Odds: • Steve Smith murders someone on the field when he returns to play Carolina: 12/1 • Fun Fact: • Carolina’s all-time passing leader is Jake Delhomme

  11. Atlanta Falcons • Resume: • 2013 Record 4-12, 3rd NFC South • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 316-414-6 • Kenos03 Odds: • Mike Smith wins Dynamic Coaching Personality of the Year award: 1,000,000/1 • Fun Fact: • The 2013 Atlanta Falcons were the worst EV in the history of the Calcutta and were the highest priced team last year (Rick Parkin)

  12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers • Resume: • 2013 Record 12-4, 4th NFC South • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 233-362-1 • Kenos03 Odds: • Lovie Smith runs the Tampa 2 on 100% of plays: 1/5 • Fun Fact: • Tampa Bay has the worst all-time winning percentage in the NFL • Alarm Clock uniforms look like they are from Any Given Sunday • Trivia: • What was the name of the old QB in Any Given Sunday?

  13. Seattle Seahawks • Resume: • 2013 Record 13-3, 1st NFC West • Super Bowl Champs • All-time Record: 292-303 • Kenos03 Odds: • “Mediocre WR” Crabtree torches Richard Sherman: 4/1 • Fun Fact: • The “12th Man” jersey was the #10 selling jersey in the offseason • Seahawk fans are the worst • Seattle’s DB snorted over 1KG of Adderall last year!

  14. San Francisco 49ers • Resume: • 2013 Record 12-4, 2nd NFC West • Eliminated NFC Championship @ Seattle • All-time Record: 545-431-16 • Vegas Betting Odds: • Jim Harbaugh ends up in an insane asylum: 3/1 • Fun Fact: • New Levi’s stadium has WI-FI running throughout • I prefer PSV Eindhoven’s take • Lookup 49ers fan Tom Spencer’s blog tomorrow

  15. Arizona Cardinals • Resume: • 2013 Record 10-6, 3rd NFC West • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 511-716-29 • Kenos03 Odds: • Dennis Green’s outburst is topped this year: 35/1 • Fun Fact: • Dan Dierdorf has finally retired!

  16. St. Louis Rams • Resume: • 2013 Record 7-9, 4th in NFC West • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 527-523-21 • Kenos03 Odds: • ESPN doesn’t talk about Michael Sam for a week: 2,450/1 • Fun Fact: • Sam Bradford has the 7th biggest cap hit for 2014 season

  17. Resume: • 2013 Record 12-4 • AFC #2 Seed • Most Hated Team in the NFL • Let’s not forget about Spy-Gate • Vegas Odds to win it all: • 9/1 • Fun Fact: The guy who played Pat the Patriot was busted in a prostitution ring a few years ago New England Cheaters

  18. Resume: • 2013 Record 8-8 • Missed playoffs • Vegas Odds to win it all: • 85/1 • Fun Fact: First NFL team to feature a black starting QB w a black #2 QB • Rex Ryan now looks like a balloon after being stuck with a pin post lap band surgery • Mark Sanchez declared a missing person by NYPD

  19. Resume: • 2013 Record 6-10 • Missed playoffs • Vegas Odds to win it all: • 90/1 • Fun Fact: less than 15 miles from Canada • EJ Manuel graduated from Bayside Highschool – he still didn’t even come close to banging as many cheerleaders as AC Slater. • 11,236 rushing yards and 61 TD’s is the magic number if you want to get away with murder • Ray Rice only has another 5,056 yards and 24 TD’s to go!

  20. Cincinnati Bengals • Resume: • 2013 Record 11-5, 1stAFC North • Eliminated Wildcard Round vs. SD • All-time Record: 316-390-2 • Kenos03 Odds: • Marvin Lewis become “Riverboat Marv”: 26/1 • Fun Fact: • Bengals are +200 to win the division, giving them the longest odds of any division favorite • WHODEY

  21. Baltimore Ravens • Resume: • 2013 Record 8-8, 2nd AFC North • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 158-129-1 • Kenos03 Odds: • Clay Davis to sing the national anthem at the opener: 1,000/1 • Fun Fact: • Just no to the top picture • On the other hand, Omar thinks Joe Flacco is kind of good looking?

  22. Pittsburgh Steelers • Resume: • 2013 Record 8-8, 2ND AFC North • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 569-519-20 • Kenos03 Odds: • This girl almost squashed me on the Red Line this morning: 3/1 • Fun Fact: • Steelers fans are the worst

  23. Cleveland Browns • Resume: • 2013 Record 4-12, 4thAFC North • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 498-433-13 • Kenos03 Odds: • Johnny Football has sex with LeBron James’ Mom: 120/1 • Fun Fact: • Browns last playoff appearance was 11 years ago • There are other players on the Browns besides JF

  24. Indianapolis Colts • Resume: • 2013 Record 11-5, 1st AFC North • Eliminated Divisional Round @ Denver • All-time Record: 475-420-7 • Kenos03 Odds: • Irsay is suspended by Goodell: 3,000/1 • Colts player would have been suspended by Goodell: 1/3,000 • Question: • What does Irsay like for drunk food? My money is on poor children’s souls.

  25. Tennessee Titans • Resume: • 2013 Record 7-9, 2nd AFC North • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 399-415-6 • Kenos03 Odds: • Me ever eating at Big Boy again 20/1 • Hypothetical Question: • Would you rather only be able to eat Dippin Dots for a day or watch the Titans vs. Jaguars game in person?

  26. Jacksonville Jaguars • Resume: • 2013 Record 4-12, 3rd AFC South • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 144-160 • Kenos03 Odds: • Chances of seeing a Jags fan on the street: 64/1 • Fun Fact: • Jacksonville- We have a really big scoreboard! • Jacksonville- We finally rid of Gabbert!

  27. Houston Texans • Resume: • 2013 Record 2-14, 4th AFC North • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 79-113 • Kenos03 Odds: • That JJ Watt did an Ice Bucket Challenge: 2/1 • Fun Fact: • The starting QB is Ryan Fitzpatrick • Houston is the fattest city in America

  28. Denver Broncos • Resume: • 2013 Record 13-3, 1st AFC West • Lost Super Bowl to Seattle • All-time Record: 432-378-10 • Kenos03 Odds: • John Fox does something to blow a playoff game again: 3/1 • Fun Fact: • Peyton owns 21 Papa Johns • Papa John likes his booze • Question: • Papa John’s- worst chain pizza ever?

  29. Kansas City Chiefs • Resume: • 2013 Record 11-5, 2nd AFC West • Eliminated Wildcard Round @ Indianapolis • All-time Record: 415-393-12 • Kenos03 Odds: • Alex Smith throws can throw a ball farther than Brian Grupczynski: Even Money • Alex Smith can take a hit better than Brian Grupcyznski: 1/10,000 • Fun Fact: • The state of Kansas really loves their fat football coaches!

  30. San Diego Chargers • Resume: • 2013 Record 9-7, 3rd AFC West • Eliminated Divisional Round @ Denver • All-time Record: 408-401-11 • Kenos03 Odds: • Phillip Rivers has his eight kid before the end of the season: 2/1 • Trivia: • What school was ESU’s opponent when Alvin Mack blew his knee out in The Program?

  31. Oakland Raiders • Resume: • 2013 Record 4-12, 4th AFC West • Did Not Qualify for Playoffs • All-time Record: 434-375-11 • Kenos03 Odds: • Finding human waste in the stadium : Even Money • Quote Machine: • “We have a quarterback now that's on par with the quarterbacks in this division.” Dennis Allen - Raiders Head Coach

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