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The Polyamorists Next Door: Understanding Multiple-partner Relationships

The Polyamorists Next Door: Understanding Multiple-partner Relationships. Elisabeth Sheff Georgia State University . What is Polyamory ? . Openly conducted non-monogamous relationships Emphasis on communication, negotiation, self-reflection, and honesty

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The Polyamorists Next Door: Understanding Multiple-partner Relationships

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  1. The Polyamorists Next Door: Understanding Multiple-partner Relationships Elisabeth Sheff Georgia State University

  2. What is Polyamory? • Openly conducted non-monogamous relationships • Emphasis on communication, negotiation, self-reflection, and honesty • Not swinging – focused on emotional connection • Not polygyny – same rules for men and women • Not cheating – openly negotiated

  3. Polyamorous Families • Some composed of all adults, though my research focuses on those with children • Most commonly an “open couple” with additional partners • Less frequently cohabitational triads, quads, or “moresomes” • Very similar to other families of sexual minorities, especially gay and lesbian families

  4. Longitudinal Poly Family Study • Wave I 1996 - 2003: all adults, 20 men and 20 women interviewed, extensive participant observation, no contact information • Wave II 2007 - 2008: all adults, 15 previous respondents and 31 new additions interviewed • Wave III 2009 – present: 8 children and 13 (new) of their important adults • Total sample 92 interviewees, 500 participant observation

  5. Sample Characteristics • White • Middle class • Highly educated • Liberals • Bisexual women, heterosexual men • Urban or suburban dwellers • Overlap with other non-conformists – pagans, gamers, geeks, kinksters, sci-fi fans, SCA and LARPers

  6. Results • Limited generalizability • Unknown universe means impossible to gain representative sample • Small sample size, especially of children • Selection bias and attempts to remedy • Even so characteristic of mainstream poly communities in United States • Only longitudinal study of polyamory to date

  7. Reported Advantages • Emotional intimacy • Expanded resources • Attention • Money • Expertise • Flexibility • Consciously created family • More freedom • Question other elements of social convention • More communication

  8. Reported Disadvantages • Complicated • Time consuming • Children become attached to partners who leave • Stigma management

  9. Strategies to Deal with Disadvantages • Emotional protection • Extensive contact and communication prior to introducing lovers to children • Clarify with children who is a family member • Require lovers to establish independent relationships with children • Keep some lovers separate from family • Stigma management • Emotional Passing • Living in accepting areas

  10. Concluding Remarks • Children doing extremely well • Born into positions of social privilege (race, class, education) • Additional resources enrich lives • Consciously constructed families more reflexive • Active agents - do not assume all adults will be parental figures • Larger more diverse sample might produce divergent results • Future research • Longitudinal contact with sample • More diverse practitioners • Continued contact with those who leave poly lifestyle

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