Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages…from this day forward Facing the Giants in your Life and Marriage
Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages…from this day forward Facing the Giant of Disobedience in your Life and Marriage
Old testament = Hebrew “Obey” • to hear, listen to • to hear with attention or interest • to understand • give heed, yield to, to regard
New Testament = Greek“Obey” • To listen • Describes one who at the knock at his door, goes to listen and see who it is • To yield, to submit • To do something about what you’ve heard
Risks and outcomes of disobedience • What are you obedient to? • Shadows or the real thing? • Revealed will of God for your life and marriage? • Quenching of God’s Holy Spirit, crimp in the conduit • Degradation of relationship as we ignore/violate the “One-anothers”, or an unforgiving heart • Loss of power to behave, as we lose the HS’s Fruit--see Galatians 5. Unmerited love for others, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self control Unbelief, Disobedience and Un-confessed sin will lead to a hardened, stiff, stained and varnished/poly’d heart.
At your tables • Who is new today---be ready to introduce them (names, married/engaged?, when, something unique about them) • What are the things that can effect our physical heart condition?
Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages…from this day forward Facing the Giant of Your Hardened Heart in Life and Marriage
How are we made-up, anyway? • Body- dust to dust; war between flesh and spirit; temple; new body • Mind- knowledge; understanding; transformable; changes • Spirit- given; taken; renewed; breathed (pneuma) • Heart- source; inner person; center • Soul- won/lost; possessed individually
What we hear, emotionally • “I gave my heart away.” • “I am brokenhearted over _________.” • “I love you with all my heart.” • “My heart is heavy.” • “Let’s get to the heart of the matter.” • “I mean it from my heart.” • “The effort was half-hearted.” • “My heart aches for that child.” • “He has a divided heart on the matter!” • “ I felt good in my heart about…..” • “David was a man after God’s own heart.”
What the Bible says about heart • Greek = “Kardia”; Hebrew = “leb” -- hidden man, center, real, source, feelings, emotions, enclosed • Used interchangeably at times with soul to describe the inner man/woman • Proverbs 4:23-- “Above all, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” • 1 Samuel 16:7-- “….for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” • Jeremiah 17:9-10-- “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to treat man according to his ways…” • Mark 7:21-23-- “For from within, from the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts…murders…thefts…deceit… covetousness…pride…foolishness…all these come from within and defile a man.” • Hebrews 4:12-- “Like a sharp, two-edged sword, the Word divides the inner man asunder, to reveal the true condition and needs of our hearts.”
Laugh Dirty or clean Searched Some or all of it can be used-- “all my heart” Rejoice Speak Have desires, blessed Faint Be seen Sad, sighs Moved Wise, anxious, faithful, in turmoil Hide things Lust, deceit, wicked plans Divided, unrepentant Hardened What else the Bible says about our heartIt can/can be:
Our Hearts can be Hardened • Ephesians 4:17-30 • Hebrews 3: 12-15 • Mark 6:45-52 • Mark 16:9-14 • Psalm 95:7-8 • 2 Peter 3:9 • Jeremiah 18
At least 3 Heart conditions in this room today 1. Congenital heart disease: A lost, stained heart. 1 John 1:5-10; John 3:17-18; Psalm 51:5 ; John 1:12 2. Coronary Artery Disease: Saved, but a varnished, hard heart from sin, neglect, quenching the Holy Spirit’s flow to your heart. 1 John 1:9 ; Psalm 51: 10 & 12;
At least 3 Heart conditions in this room today • Aneurism: A person whose blood is not flowing to the body strongly---weakening in the artery.
At your tables • Given all that the heart can be, what are the common characteristics and behaviors of a hardened, weak blood flow heart in our marriages?
Two wholes merging as one We want to be accepted, not judged. We want to be known, not fixed; protected, not exploited. We want to know the other, not be strangers. We want to be explored, not labeled. We want to be discovered, not explained. We want to be deeply connected, not mechanically supported, nor inwardly turned, nor ignored. We want to be vulnerable, not attacked or manipulated. We want to be heard and honored, not just tolerated . We want to be “all-in”, with all our healthy heart, taking dead aim at our marriage and faith.
Sometimes we can crush our spouse’s heart and wilt them….. • Make our mate feel inferior, stupid, guilty • Devalue their inner self, core beliefs, fundamental make-up • Off-load anger, tension, stress • Let them know how bad you hurt, by hurting them • Make yourself be seen as right--manipulation • Alienate them and make them feel alone • Dominate or control your mate in order to feel in control • Throw-off responsibility • Deflect the blame • Hide your real feeling, pain • Hide your failures
Given all we have said today, this week find the time to: Consider The Following Techniques for strengthening the flow of blood into Each Other’s Hearts
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning of each other 1.Value what your mate says No matter what you think of it. Of course you can disagree, just wait your turn rather than saying, “That’s ridiculous”, “Where did you come up with that?”, “Are you nuts?”, “That’s not right!” Show them you are there to understand, not criticize, nor always have to be in control of the deal.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 2. And, closely aligned to #1, Don’t minimize it- if it’s big/important to them, it’s big & important. Saying “It couldn’t hurt that much”, or, “ It’s not that bad”. ---if you want to connect to your spouse’s heart, connect with their feelings and don’t minimize them.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 3. Don’t get defensive or sarcastic, or shift the blame. You communicate to the other person that your self is more important than what they are saying. Defensiveness does away with the message, and when you do away with the message, you do away with the person’s mind, heart, spirit. Sarcasm connotes distain and lack of respect. Are we more willing to hear our mate or defend ourselves? At some point, defensiveness may be a good thing! Sarcasm never is!
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 4.Don’t overreact or escalate Easier said than done Downside is steep. When the heated argument is over, you have 2 problems---the problem you started with, plus new damage. Try time-outs; try being quiet; try calling a truce until you calm down---and if you can’t do any of that, try to be civil and stay/return to the problem not the person.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 5. Avoid the famous shutdown statements and behaviors- “Fine”, when it’s not fine “Nothing”, when it’s something “It doesn’t matter”, when it does matter “I can’t do anything right” “You don’t like anything I say or do” The silent treatment; walking away
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 6. Avoid extremes and global statements- “You always do this”; “You never say that”; “You never show me that you love me, understand me, have my best interests in mind”…..when probably you do.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 7. Don’t immediately jump to Your Perspective and try to Fix It (Always being right) Getting to know the other person as they communicate their hearts, minds, spirits is not about you, it’s about them. If you listen for just a little while you will learn something..try it. Don’t make the interaction about you. There will be time to say your piece in a non-defensive way, if both of you will act like grownups and want to know/be known.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 8. Handle your spouse’s spirit and heart carefully. Both are fragile and can be broken with a strong word, sloppy listening, ridicule, thoughtless deed. Ask yourself everyday: “How do I build this person up?”; or “Do I just want to talk about what is interesting to me?” Over time, strong words, ignoring glances, a wince at a story you find boring, thoughtless behavior, rough handling, etc., tear down the other and breaks down spirits and hearts, and may even put unbelieving souls at risk, and may even hinder your prayers.
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 9. Limit your intake What you see What you read What you stare at What think about What you think you want that you don’t have The way it could have been Missed expectations which lead to resentment and bitterness Your past failures Your criticism of others, gossip, jealousy Bad relationships, unhealthy family ties and “too close” friends and associates
Couple techniques(learned behaviors) for heart conditioning 10. Exercise; Prayer, prayer together, worship Quiet time, under schedule Alone time, recreation Regular affirmations, cheering, joint agreements The Word, thinking, spiritual discussions Touch, talk, listen, music, comforting Knowing what is important to you and each other, plus hard work, hard play, hard rest Accountability, counsel, service and giving to others, confession, repentance, humility, waiting on Him, trusting….. Trust
Devotion 9-30-07 Guarding your Heart 1. Look at the 10 suggestions for guarding each others’ hearts in the following charts. 2. Where are you on these 10? 3. What else wilts/strengthens your hearts that can be introduced in your marriage?
The Fall Schedule September 28 “The Giant of Aimless Living” October 5 “The Giants of Pride, Power, Success and Failure” Aaron and April Elkins testimony October 12 “ The Giant of the Past” Malletts October 19 “The Giant of the Future” Bishops October 26 “The Giant of Limited Love” Nate and Lisa Pummel testimony November 2 (Time Falls Back 1 hour) “The Giant of missed expectations, resentment and bitterness” _________________________________________________ 3 lesson series November 9, 16, 23 “Building the Table of your Marriage” …..the Load, the Top, the Legs November 27th Thanksgiving--- NO CLASS the 30th