1. TOOLS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS By Marketplace Ministries

2. Communication • Good Communication is the key to good relationships • The better we communicate the better our relationship will be • This is true of every relationship we have

3. Communication • Its not just what we say but the way we say it. • We speak in various ways • Voice • Eyes • Body • Face

4. Communication • Statistics say: • 7% is communicated by the words • 38% is communicated by tone of voice • 55% is communicated by body language

5. Communication

6. Speaker or Listener • There are two participants in communication: • The Speaker • The Listener • Whilst we are all very good at being the speaker, we are often not very good at being the listener.

7. Communication • Listening is one of the most important skills of communication. • When we feel listened to and heard, it builds up our relationship and make us feel secure. • When we feel not listened to or heard it has in impact on how we feel and it has a negative effect of our relationship

8. Listening Skills • Good listening skills: • Give the person time and space to make themselves understood • Show them you know how they are feeling • Show them you understand • Ask questions to make sure you are hearing what they are saying

9. Good Listening

10. Listening Skills • Bad Listening Skills • Interrupting when someone is speaking • When you ignore what is being said • When you try and justify yourself • When you give unwanted advice.

11. Bad Listening

12. How to Listen • Try and face each other • Look your partner in the eyes • Give them time to say what they need to say • Lean in to them creating a safe place

13. How to Listen • Ask questions • When they have finished repeat back what you have heard in your own words to ensure that you heard what they were saying and not something else.

14. How to Listen • Be careful not to feel defensive - This will result in you not listening Because you will be formulating your defence • Each person in the relationship must take responsibility for how they feel • You are not responsible for how your partner feels.

15. How to Listen • Defensiveness is often the door to anger. • Be careful to guard against anger, anger will close down constructive communication

16. How to Listen • You cannot be responsible for how your partner feels. • However, you must take full responsibility for how you feel. • Make sure that how you feel about what is being said is relative to the issue discussed and not part of your own issues.

17. How to Listen • Remember: • Your reaction is your responsibility. • You may react to a certain situation in one way, but someone else may react completely differently.

18. How to Listen • Put another way, if you partner was in a relationship with someone else, that person may have reacted in a completely different way to the same situation. On that basis our partner cannot be held responsible for how we feel

19. How to Speak • Say what you mean • Don’t play guessing games • Watch your tone • Don’t make accusations • Be sure about what you say, once it is out there you can’t take it back

20. Our Past • We all have a past and we have emotions and pain associated with things from our past. • We need to be carful that we do not allow our past hurts and pains to destroy our current relationships

21. Our Past • We need to make sure that in our thinking process we keep the past in the past. • We need to make choices and decisions that will benefit our present

22. Making Choices • How we choose to behave towards the people we love will affect them and will affect our relationship with them. • We can make good or bad choices. • A good choice that will benefit the relationship • A bad choice that will damage the relationship

23. Making Choices • Be sure that every emotion and feeling is relative to the event. • If your emotion to an event is not relative to the event, you may be bringing your past into your present. • Make a choice to put perspective on every issue

24. Making Choices • In every situation there are different choices we can make that will have different outcomes.

25. Making Choices • We make choices every day between the issue and the relationship. • The best choice is to choose to put the relationship before the issue. • That does not mean the issue is not an issue, it means that in the context, the relationship is more important that the issue.

26. Making Choices • Imagine the following event: • You have spent the morning in the supermarket with the children doing the weekly shop. You feel tired and stressed when you get home. • As you enter the house your partner continues to want TV and chooses not to help you bring in the shopping

27. Making Choices • Is that a good choice or bad choice in the context of your relationship? • Think of a time when you made a bad choice and think of how you could have handled it differently. • Make a choice to look for the right choice in every situation.

28. Managing Anger • The way we manage our anger is another way in which we can make right choices. • It is a natural human reaction to get angry • There is nothing wrong with having angry feelings.

29. Managing Anger • What is very important is what we do with those angry feelings • Sometimes the way in which we behave when we are angry is not helpful to our relationship • How do you behave when you are angry?

30. Managing Anger • There are two basic responses to anger. • The first is aggressive • This is were people use anger to control their situation or circumstance through violence or aggression

31. Managing Anger • The second is repressive • This is where the person uses sulking or pouting to control and manipulate a circumstance or situation

32. Making Choices • Whichever your particular way of dealing with anger, the question is: • Will you make the right choice so as not to put your relationship at risk?

33. Making Choices • Remember: • The purpose of an argument should not be to release anger. • The purpose of an argument should be to resolve the issue.

34. Making Choices • The best way to resolve the issue is to look for solutions, not look for someone to blame • Make a choice to be proactive in every argument to look for the solution.

35. Making Choices • Remember – every day we make many choices about how to behave towards our partners • Every choice has an outcome, it will either make our relationship stronger or weaker. • Make a choice today to start making good choices.

36. Emotional Needs • We are we all have what is called emotional needs. • Just like a child has to be cuddled to feel secure and happy, we too have emotional needs.

37. Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are met we feel • Confident, Happy, Secure and Content.

38. Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are not met we can feel: • Stressed, • Depressed, • Aggressive

39. Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are not met: • It can cause us to behave in harmful ways • Sometimes it can cause us to drink too much

40. Acceptance • Show that you still love me even when I get it wrong • Forgive my difficult moods or behaviour • Don’t compare me to others • Don’t try and change me

41. Affection • Touching • Hugging • Holding hands • Making Love

42. Appreciation • Tell me the good things you see in me • Tell others the good things about me • Notice the things I do for you. • Thank me when I do things for you

43. Affirmation • Speak highly of me to others • Let me know when I get things right • Show that you are proud of me • Encourage my ideas and plans

44. Comfort • Notice when I am sad or down • Listen to and share my upset • Soothe away my pain with a word or hug • Do practical things that show you care

45. Companionship • Do things with me • Spend time together • Talk to me • Take an interest in my life and hobbies

46. Encouragement • Be my number one fan • Believe in me • Encourage me when things get tough • Tell me you know I can do it

47. Honesty • Tell me how you are feeling • Tell me things even when you think I will be disappointed. • Don’t hide things from me • Tell me everything not just half the stroy

48. Respect • Listen to me • Allow me to hold a different view to you • Respect my rights, to friends & privacy • Allow me to be me

49. Security • Be faithful to me • Be loyal to me • Be there for me • Look after me

50. Support • Be there when my life is difficult – Support me. • Sharing my load and responsibilities • Be prepared to work things out • Help me to be the person I want to be