
TOOLS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS By Marketplace Ministries
Communication • Good Communication is the key to good relationships • The better we communicate the better our relationship will be • This is true of every relationship we have
Communication • Its not just what we say but the way we say it. • We speak in various ways • Voice • Eyes • Body • Face
Communication • Statistics say: • 7% is communicated by the words • 38% is communicated by tone of voice • 55% is communicated by body language
Speaker or Listener • There are two participants in communication: • The Speaker • The Listener • Whilst we are all very good at being the speaker, we are often not very good at being the listener.
Communication • Listening is one of the most important skills of communication. • When we feel listened to and heard, it builds up our relationship and make us feel secure. • When we feel not listened to or heard it has in impact on how we feel and it has a negative effect of our relationship
Listening Skills • Good listening skills: • Give the person time and space to make themselves understood • Show them you know how they are feeling • Show them you understand • Ask questions to make sure you are hearing what they are saying
Listening Skills • Bad Listening Skills • Interrupting when someone is speaking • When you ignore what is being said • When you try and justify yourself • When you give unwanted advice.
How to Listen • Try and face each other • Look your partner in the eyes • Give them time to say what they need to say • Lean in to them creating a safe place
How to Listen • Ask questions • When they have finished repeat back what you have heard in your own words to ensure that you heard what they were saying and not something else.
How to Listen • Be careful not to feel defensive - This will result in you not listening Because you will be formulating your defence • Each person in the relationship must take responsibility for how they feel • You are not responsible for how your partner feels.
How to Listen • Defensiveness is often the door to anger. • Be careful to guard against anger, anger will close down constructive communication
How to Listen • You cannot be responsible for how your partner feels. • However, you must take full responsibility for how you feel. • Make sure that how you feel about what is being said is relative to the issue discussed and not part of your own issues.
How to Listen • Remember: • Your reaction is your responsibility. • You may react to a certain situation in one way, but someone else may react completely differently.
How to Listen • Put another way, if you partner was in a relationship with someone else, that person may have reacted in a completely different way to the same situation. On that basis our partner cannot be held responsible for how we feel
How to Speak • Say what you mean • Don’t play guessing games • Watch your tone • Don’t make accusations • Be sure about what you say, once it is out there you can’t take it back
Our Past • We all have a past and we have emotions and pain associated with things from our past. • We need to be carful that we do not allow our past hurts and pains to destroy our current relationships
Our Past • We need to make sure that in our thinking process we keep the past in the past. • We need to make choices and decisions that will benefit our present
Making Choices • How we choose to behave towards the people we love will affect them and will affect our relationship with them. • We can make good or bad choices. • A good choice that will benefit the relationship • A bad choice that will damage the relationship
Making Choices • Be sure that every emotion and feeling is relative to the event. • If your emotion to an event is not relative to the event, you may be bringing your past into your present. • Make a choice to put perspective on every issue
Making Choices • In every situation there are different choices we can make that will have different outcomes.
Making Choices • We make choices every day between the issue and the relationship. • The best choice is to choose to put the relationship before the issue. • That does not mean the issue is not an issue, it means that in the context, the relationship is more important that the issue.
Making Choices • Imagine the following event: • You have spent the morning in the supermarket with the children doing the weekly shop. You feel tired and stressed when you get home. • As you enter the house your partner continues to want TV and chooses not to help you bring in the shopping
Making Choices • Is that a good choice or bad choice in the context of your relationship? • Think of a time when you made a bad choice and think of how you could have handled it differently. • Make a choice to look for the right choice in every situation.
Managing Anger • The way we manage our anger is another way in which we can make right choices. • It is a natural human reaction to get angry • There is nothing wrong with having angry feelings.
Managing Anger • What is very important is what we do with those angry feelings • Sometimes the way in which we behave when we are angry is not helpful to our relationship • How do you behave when you are angry?
Managing Anger • There are two basic responses to anger. • The first is aggressive • This is were people use anger to control their situation or circumstance through violence or aggression
Managing Anger • The second is repressive • This is where the person uses sulking or pouting to control and manipulate a circumstance or situation
Making Choices • Whichever your particular way of dealing with anger, the question is: • Will you make the right choice so as not to put your relationship at risk?
Making Choices • Remember: • The purpose of an argument should not be to release anger. • The purpose of an argument should be to resolve the issue.
Making Choices • The best way to resolve the issue is to look for solutions, not look for someone to blame • Make a choice to be proactive in every argument to look for the solution.
Making Choices • Remember – every day we make many choices about how to behave towards our partners • Every choice has an outcome, it will either make our relationship stronger or weaker. • Make a choice today to start making good choices.
Emotional Needs • We are we all have what is called emotional needs. • Just like a child has to be cuddled to feel secure and happy, we too have emotional needs.
Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are met we feel • Confident, Happy, Secure and Content.
Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are not met we can feel: • Stressed, • Depressed, • Aggressive
Emotional Needs • When our emotional needs are not met: • It can cause us to behave in harmful ways • Sometimes it can cause us to drink too much
Acceptance • Show that you still love me even when I get it wrong • Forgive my difficult moods or behaviour • Don’t compare me to others • Don’t try and change me
Affection • Touching • Hugging • Holding hands • Making Love
Appreciation • Tell me the good things you see in me • Tell others the good things about me • Notice the things I do for you. • Thank me when I do things for you
Affirmation • Speak highly of me to others • Let me know when I get things right • Show that you are proud of me • Encourage my ideas and plans
Comfort • Notice when I am sad or down • Listen to and share my upset • Soothe away my pain with a word or hug • Do practical things that show you care
Companionship • Do things with me • Spend time together • Talk to me • Take an interest in my life and hobbies
Encouragement • Be my number one fan • Believe in me • Encourage me when things get tough • Tell me you know I can do it
Honesty • Tell me how you are feeling • Tell me things even when you think I will be disappointed. • Don’t hide things from me • Tell me everything not just half the stroy
Respect • Listen to me • Allow me to hold a different view to you • Respect my rights, to friends & privacy • Allow me to be me
Security • Be faithful to me • Be loyal to me • Be there for me • Look after me
Support • Be there when my life is difficult – Support me. • Sharing my load and responsibilities • Be prepared to work things out • Help me to be the person I want to be