Master My Stories Learn to exert influence over your own feelings

1. Master My StoriesLearn to exert influence over your own feelings By Cicely Wood & Rhonda Winters WWU HSP 303

2. Emotions Don’t Just HappenThere are two claims that can help explain this theory… Claim One: Claim two: Once you create your upset emotions, you have only two options. You can act on them or be acted on by them. Other people don’t make you mad. Youmake you mad. Youand only you create your emotions. When it comes to strong emotions, you can either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.

3. Story example…. Violet is an intern at a human services agency and wants to take on more responsibility as a case manager. Violet asks her supervisor Oliver, if she can work with a client on her own today. Oliver looks at her and says: "No Violet, I need you to file paperwork today." Violet is so angry and thinks that Oliver feels like she is an incompetent intern. Violet walks away from the conversation and ignores Oliver for the rest of the day.

4. WHAT'S MAKING VIOLET MAD? • Worst at dialogue - • This is the worst trap for Violet to get into. She can be making dangerous assumptions. She has convinced herself that anyone in her place would feel the same way.

5. HOw can Violet Avoid the anger? • Good Dialog This is where Violet would realize that if she doesn't control her emotions,  matters could get worse. She will fake her emotions and do the best at getting back to dialogue. Eventually they will hit a rough spot and her suppressed emotions will come out. She will avoid saying what she really thinks.

6. What she can do to make it right? • Best Dialog • Violet needs to do something completely different. She will not be held hostage by her emotions, and she will not try to hide or supress them. She is going to act on her emotions, she will have strong feelings and she will think them out.

7. Violet Mastering her SkillsViolet will find a way to first slow down and take charge of her Path of action 1  Act: She will notice her behavior: She will ask herself if she is in some form of silence or violence? 2  Feel: She will get in touch with her feelings: What emotions are encouraging her to act this way? 4  See and Hear: She will get back to the facts~ What evidence does she have to support the story? • 3  Tell Story: She will analyze the story: • What evidence does she have to support this story?

8. Violet needs to analyze why she got upset. What story did she tell herself?There are THREE CLEVER STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES... Story One: • Victim Stories - "It's Not My Fault" • When telling a victim story, Violet leaves out any part of the story that paints her negatively. She ignores any role that she played that contributed to the problem. • Violet feels that she is an innocent sufferer. "It is Oliver's fault that I am feeling bad, not mine! He is the one who doesn't trust me after everything I have done to deserve his trust."

9. A second clever story we tell ourselves.. Story Two: Villain Stories - "It's All Your Fault"  • When telling Villain stories, we create nasty little tales by turning normal, decent human beings into villains. By dehumanizing Oliver into a villain, it is easier for Violet to insult him. • Violet feels that Oliver is the bad guy. He is an over-controlling and micromanaging boss. He must have major issues.

10. The third clever story...Another story that is created to defend our reactions.. Story Three: Helpless Stories - "There's nothing else I can do" • These are the stories we tell ourselves to make ourselves out to be powerless. We tell ourselves that we have no other alternative than to act the way we have been acting. • Violet tells herself that she is powerless, after all, she is just an intern. Oliver is the boss, if he doesn't want Violet to work with a client on her own then that's how it has to be. Violet will just have to face it and keep her mouth closed.

11. So why do we tell ourselves clever stories?How do these stories serve us? Clever stories match reality. - Sometimes the stories are accurate...sometimes...but not always. Clever stories get us off the hook. - Sometimes the clever stories excuse us from the things we have done wrong and we can avoid accepting responsibility. Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts. -Violet doesn't like it when people give her the silent treatment yet she is doing the same thing to Oliver. Violet can make herself an innocent victim so she wont have to justify her own behavior or sellouts.

12. Tell the rest of the story • As we learn to recognize the clever stories we tell, we need to move to the final skill. We need to stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story. We can tell a useful story by telling the rest of the story! • A useful story will create emotions that will lead to a healthy action. • Clever stories are incomplete, they leave out important information about ourselves, others, and our options. • A useful story includes all of the essential details..

13. Questions to ask when creating a useful story.. • In order to tell a useful story, Violet needs to ask herself what roledid she have in the problem? • Violet also needs to stop vilifying Oliver and ask herself why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would not want her to work with a client on her own? • Violet needs to ask herself “What would I do right now if I really wanted these results [to work with a client by myself]?” • If Violet truly wants to work with a client then she knows that she shouldn’t give her boss the silent treatment.

14. Back to the story… • What role did Violet have in the problem? • Violet rethinks the problem and adds back details into the story. She understands that she is a new intern and that she had agreed with her field supervisor that she would not take a client on her own until she had at least five weeks of experience. Violet was only had three weeks. • Violet also remembered that she promised her supervisor the day before that she would file paperwork and had agreed that it was an important part of the job.

15. Violet’s new story is developing • Violet asks herself why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would not want her to work with a client on her own? • Oliver had mentioned Violet will be able to work with a client on her own when he feels that she is ready. • Violet realizes that Oliver takes a lot of time out of his busy schedule to show her the ropes of the trade. Bad guys wouldn’t do that. It’s possible Oliver is not the villain after all!

16. Actions change as a result of telling a useful story What would Violet do right now if she really wanted to work with clients? Would she continue the silent treatment? • Violet is starting to understand that her actions are not getting her any closer to her goal of being a good case manager. • Violet understands that she needs to reopen the dialogue and talk to Oliver in order to clear the air.

17. From silence back to dialogue • Violet: Violet asks Oliver if she can speak with him. Violet tells Oliver that she was really hoping to be able to work with a client and feels that Oliver doesn’t think she is ready. • Now that the dialogue has started again, Oliver has the chance to explain his decision… • Oliver: Oliver tells Violet that he understands her concern and that the organization abides by a strict rule for all interns. Other interns have also asked Oliver if they could have their own client load and Oliver told them that they had to wait until the training period is over. Although he feels that Violet is well on her way, he can’t give her any special treatment. Besides, learning to file documentation is also an important part of being a case manager.

18. Recap: Retracing path to actionOne element at a time

19. Mastering my stories summary • When you find yourself getting upset about a story you told yourself ….remember to retrace your path to action. • See & Hear and gather facts and information • Tell your self a true useful story • Feel the appropriate emotion when you are honest with yourself • And ACT Restore dialogue and work towards finding a solution.

20. Reference • Patterson, K., Grenny, J., & McMillan, R., Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.