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“You” Statements: Avoiding The Blame Game

“You” Statements: Avoiding The Blame Game. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT 833 SW 11 th Avenue Suite 218 Portland OR, 97205 www.jacobspilman.com. Healthy & Unhealthy Conflict. Healthy Conflict is about issues, options and things. Unhealthy Conflict is about persons and personalities. Requests.

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“You” Statements: Avoiding The Blame Game

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  1. “You” Statements: Avoiding The Blame Game Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT 833 SW 11th Avenue Suite 218 Portland OR, 97205 www.jacobspilman.com Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  2. Healthy & Unhealthy Conflict • Healthy Conflict is about issues, options and things. • Unhealthy Conflict is about persons and personalities Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  3. Requests • Requests are direct, realistic and actionable. • Let’s spend some time together. When are you available for a movie? Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  4. Criticism • Instead of dealing directly with an issue or a behavior, the other partner is attacked. • Why can’t we ever spend enough time together? You’re always too busy. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  5. Contempt • Contempt, like criticism, focuses on the person instead of the issue with the intent of causing emotional pain. • You don’t want to spend time with me because you’re nothing but a Mama’s boy. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  6. Self-Righteous Statements • One partner attempts to impose their set of values on the other. • You need to spend more time with me. That’s what a decent husband would do for his wife. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  7. Summarizing Self Syndrome (Gottman) • Each partner repeats their complaint without addressing the other’s complaint. • Stan: Well I told you that we should have gone out to eat tonight so that we could relax. • Mary: Well I told you that we should have stayed home and saved money. • Stan: But I told you that we should have gone out to eat tonight so that we could relax. • Mary: But I told you that we should have stayed home and saved money. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  8. Cross Complaining • Answering your partner’s complaint with one of your own. • I wish you wouldn’t spend so much time fishing. • Well, I wouldn’t have to if your mother didn’t live with us. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  9. Incongruent Messages • The verbal and non-verbal messages don’t match. • Damn it! I want to spend more time with you because I love you! Don’t you understand that? Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  10. The Stinger • The verbal message carries both a positive statement and a criticism: • That’s great, you want to spend time with me now. Why couldn’t we have done this two years ago? Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  11. Name Calling • An insult whose purpose is to punish. • Only a jerk like you would neglect his wife. • Name calling engenders disrespect. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  12. Character Assassination & Unsupported Statements • A personal attack, mostly false, often with a kernel of truth, deriding the ability or integrity of the partner. • You don’t want to spend time with me because you would rather go down to the bar and flirt with some stranger to prop up your ego. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  13. Questioning You Partner’s Motives • Often occurs when one partner is attempting to be conciliatory or reach a consensus. • Now you want to spend time with me! Why didn’t you want to spend time with me before I threatened to leave? Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  14. Ignoring The Positive And Focusing On The Negative • The partner ignores positive information and only focuses on negative information. • Mary: You never want to spend time with me. • Stan: But, I just asked you if you wanted to go out for Chinese food. • Mary: You know that I don’t like Chinese food. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  15. Kitchen Sinking • The couple moves from one complaint to the next without resolving any of them. • Mary: You never want to spend time with me. • Stan: That’s because you nag me too much. • Mary: That’s because you drink too much. • Stan: That’s because you can’t control your spending. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  16. Harsh Start-up • Gottman’s research has demonstrated that only 4% of requests that began negatively changed course and became positive. • If you make a request harshly, the chance of getting what you want is very slim. • How you start a conversation is critical for how it will end. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

  17. I-Statements • I-Statements are composed of 3 parts • When you _____, (Report a concrete observation of the other person’s behavior.) • I feel_________. (Report on how the other person’s behavior makes you feel.) • In the future, please_________. (Make a request.) Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3817

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