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Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages

Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP Spilman & Associates LLC Portland, OR www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187. Harsh Start-ups. Communication occurs in inverse proportion to the degree two people view themselves as adversaries. Harsh Start-ups.

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Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages

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  1. Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP Spilman & Associates LLC Portland, OR www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  2. Harsh Start-ups • Communication occurs in inverse proportion to the degree two people view themselves as adversaries. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  3. Harsh Start-ups • Gottman: Only 4% of communication that began with a harsh start-up was transformed into a positive outcome. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  4. Harsh Start-ups • How you communicate is as important as what you communicate. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  5. Harsh Start-Up • We usually think we are giving one message: I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  6. Harsh Start-Up • However, we talk using two modes of communication: Verbal Message I have a problem could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  7. Harsh Start-Up • This works when the verbal message and non-verbal messages are congruent. Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  8. Harsh Start-Up • What happens when the verbal and non-verbal messages are incongruent? Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  9. Harsh Start-Up • The receiver of the communication: • reacts to the emotional message. • too busy defending, misses the verbal message. Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  10. Harsh Start-Up • The receiver then gets defensive before they hear your request: Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I don’t have a problem, you have the problem. Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  11. Harsh Start-Up • The conversation just escalates: Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I don’t have a problem, you have the problem. Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I just have a flat tire! You’re being a jerk! Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  12. Get Congruent. • Identify and own your feelings: • “I’m really upset.” • “It’s not about you.” • “I just need to calm down before I talk.” • “I want to give you a straight message.” Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  13. Get Congruent: • Breath deeply and slowly through your belly. • Relax your muscles in your chest, arms & legs. • Keep describing and owning the upset until you are congruent with the message you wish to give. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  14. Get Congruent. • Make your request simply. • We’re all five years old inside. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

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