FEEDBACK: THE MISSING LINK

1. INDUCTION FEEDBACK: THE MISSING LINK FEEDBACK MATERIALS CRITERIA Maxine Gillway CELFS, University of Bristol

2. OVERVIEW • Feedback task • Unpacking the terminology • Lecturers, EAP, literature • Analyse where we tackle it • induction • SOW • Materials • Criteria • Feedback • Compare to other research findings • How did you do? Feedback on your feedback! • Conclusions and suggestions

3. Is there a problem with this text? • This is an extract from a text that was sent out as a pre-interview task • Candidates were asked to give feedback and to design a material to address one issue • None of the 6 candidates spotted the anticipated issue • Can you? (in 2 minutes!) • We’ll come back to it at the end.

4. Interactions between animals and plants are fundamental processes on the maintenance of life on Earth. On tropical forests up to 94% of plant species rely on several animal species to disperse their seeds (Howe and Smallwood 1982). An efficient seed-dispersal is essential to complete plants' life cycle; seeds dispersed on suitable sites, far from most natural enemies, and on viable time have higher chance to germinate and survive (Jordano 1995). Thus having the 'right' partner is key to seed-dispersal which is also determined by the evolutionary and ecological history of the interacting species (Jordano et al 2003; Galetti et al 2013b). Of those, functional and ecological traits are determinants for the interaction to occur (Galetti et al 2011). Large seeds are only dispersed by large-bodied animals, for example, whereas smaller seeds are likely to be less restrictive but face higher risk of predation. Yet there must be a synchrony on the phenology of the plant and the occurrence of the animal to the interaction takes place. Nevertheless, seed-dispersal is being threaten by the increasing loss of species and habitats associated to different anthropogenic processes as landscape fragmentation, hunting, climate change and invasive species (McConkey et al 2012). Here, we focus on two of those threats: defaunation and alien species.

5. What do feedback givers mean? • There should be at least a summary of the various positions taken by economists on environmental sustainability, as well as a discussion of the policies they suggest and the potential difficulties in their implementation? Alas this appears to be random and incoherent. • The list-like consideration of themes worked against the development of a cohesive overall argument. It would’ve been a much wiser strategy to focus on just one or two of the themes covered – say, critical theory or the debate over class – and pursue them in depth. • Although the writing tends to be very fluent, the relatively short subsections (complete with subheadings and introductory quotes) do make for a rather choppy rhythm • The essay needs structuring and the use of more headings and subheadings would have helped greatly (same discipline as above) • the short paragraphs tend to compromise the fluency of the discussion • I can’t see the link between many of these sentences – it looks like a random set of notes in places? • It was an odd place to break a paragraph here.”

6. CELFS Schemes of Work (ALL)

7. CELFS Definitions in Induction(marker training handbook) • COHERENCE • Logical progression of thought as indicated by signal words (logical connectors). This involves patterns of organisation that meet the expectations of the audience eg paragraphs moving from general to specific. • COHESION/COHESIVE DEVICES • This is the glue that sticks the sentences and paragraphs together, achieved by grammatical connectors such as pronoun reference, article use, lexical chains and given- new sentence structure to maintain topic/theme. Eg ‘This’ plus a summary noun eg this issue (which also adds voice as my issue may be your phenomenon!) or the choice of passive vs active to front the topic.

8. Moves & Mechanics:CELFS Learning Activities • Skeleton black out • Highlighting • Text sort • Gap fill • Feedback matching • Rewriting

9. Materials A good academic writer will always be aware of cohesive devices. Cohesive devices are used to link sentences and ideas together. b. How could you rewrite the sentence above to avoid repetition? TEACHERS’ NOTES A good academic writer will always be aware of cohesive devices. These (useful items) are used to link sentences and ideas together. Highlight how summary nouns can be used to add voice/stance i.e. ‘useful items’ ‘important links’ ‘necessary phrases’ etc

10. CELFS VISUALISATION

11. Developing an argument

12. Criteria: text organisation 60s band • Clear overall structure • Clear thesis, purpose and map • Most refer back to thesis • Between paragraphs, mostly logical organisationpresents little difficulty for the reader • Within paragraphs, mostly clear development of one main idea per paragraph from general to specific • Mostly successful use of a variety of cohesive devices, though some faulty or mechanical cohesion

13. Criteria: content/task fulfillment • 50s: some successful attempts to build a line of reasoning • 60s: few gaps in line of reasoning • 70s: clear line of reasoning holds text together • 80s: sophisticated line of reasoning

14. Pre-sessional 2015 case study data • TEACHER 1 THINK ALOUD • “what I'm aiming to do is … not react immediately to the grammar problems and try to read through” • “so I'm not doing very well ignoring the grammar” • “for me as the reader it's just disturbing…these minor grammatical errors which of course then puts me in a bad mood” TEACHER 2 THINK ALOUD “again linguistic mistakes. I'm not going to correct those” “I'm still with language mistakes. Well there are problems with the language” “I can't leave this here. I can't just accept this. The word vehicle is singular.”

15. Teacher 1 think aloud • Ok that seems to contradict what she just said so one bunch of chinese guys said [reads] furthermore so that should be continuing the same argument right [reads] so in one hand she's saying in the other, so surely that means..oh alright oh what a convoluted way of saying it so [types]this concurs lets give her another word with the previous study's findings if I have correcty understood. [sighs] How long have I been looking at this now...40 minutes [...] [sighs]OK oh sorry that's enough.

16. Teacher 1 on script • This reads more like part of an intro "map" - consider transition / linking language (remember our lessons on coherence & cohesion). • It looks as though you have joined 2 separate pieces of writing here - they don't follow on from each other (no cohesion and therefore no coherence). • This is the exact opposite of your thesis statement. • nice link back to and consistency with TS: • So is this in support of your TS, then? • Is this is part of your TS? Or just an after thought? • As I commented, consider moving section 3 to the start, or make sure you explain the terms you use more clearly in the introduction • consider organisation. I was confused about this, then realised it's the 2nd point after (1) Dependent variable. Creating a second paragraph could help. • This is a clear statement (and evidence of your stance), in contrast with the start of this paragraph. Think how you can clarify your intended argument at the beginning of the paragraph (focus on grammar structure) • How relevant is this paragraph? Is it not repeated at the beginning of the following paragraph? • Having so many points in one paragraph is problematic for the reader. Consider breaking up the points and evaluating them separately • can't see the connection to your main idea at the start of this paragraph.... • This is coming across - total confusion and lack of clarity! How much do you need to tell me about all these differences? Could you simply summarise and then move on? I feel like we are going around in circles. Try linking back to TS / main argument; perhaps that will help focus you more.

17. Teacher 2: On script • the transition from your discussion of the previous cars to a new type of car is rather abrupt. • there is a clear attempt to connect this part to the thesis statement. • the use of subheadings helps the reader understand your transition from one issue to the next. You direct the reader effectively. • Good line of reasoning by comparing. • well done. You keep to the map.

18. Teacher 1 end of script • Clear. Paragraphing working well in terms of moving from general to specific, most of the time. • Well organised, easy to follow. You are doing a good job of starting with general and moving to specific - including examples to demonstrate what you are describing. • Well organised and structured. You have transitioned between paragraphs beautifully. • Coherence is lacking - a clear thread through your paragraphs making it easy for the reader to follow your thoughts. Keep linking back to your main argument / TS and it will help. • Very "muddy". Dense with language that I couldn't really understand; Sub-headings are a good idea. Make sure what you then write is consistent with the sub-heading and of course refers back to your TS - remember to link between paragraphs and within paragraphs. One idea per paragraph helps the reader follow your thoughts. • Try shorter sentences; focus on general to specific; keep to one idea per paragraph - you have thrown lots of ideas into one long paragraph (eg: pp.4 & 5).Try sub-headings for each section; aim to break down the details so the overview is clearer. Then you can follow a clear paragraph format (refer to document I emailed the groups on 6.8.15) • Somewhat "blocky" - not really clear to me as reader which hinders the flow of understanding. Aim for one clear idea / topic per paragraph and work on cohesive transition between them. • Structurally, I'm quite happy until the last part. Consider the Apple BN Analysis and how you compare Apple story telling against widely recognised story elements. It almost feels like a seperate essay. Make sure each part links back to overall topic / argument. • It's pretty "dense" - aim to streamline your paragraphs: one idea per paragraph, opening with the general situation, narrowing to the specific. With more examples, your ideas / arguments will come more to life.

19. Teacher 2: End of script • You seem to make good use of the organisational structure we discussed in our lesson on 28th July • However, you should definitely use more sub-headings. Your writing is very dense and the reader gets tired. The sub-headings create a natural pause in the reading process and the brain is warned of what to expect next. • The map seems to be there but you should have mentioned it earlier. • There seems to be poor transition between paragraphs.

20. Teacher 1 interview • when you're talking it's easier to sort of figure out what you want to say and what it is you're noticing but being restricted to very specific points is quite difficult

21. Teacher 1 tutorial comments • This is why I want you to do the topic sentence exercise so if you're thinking very logically and structurally and then you just focus one short paragraph on that one point that you want to make [reads under breath] so is that your topic sentence • yeah so you're… I can see that they are connected but it's confusing for me as a reader because you're putting in all these other ideas as well. • And that was the other thing that confused me. So I read your thesis statement again and again. I went back. And then here you're saying the opposite. You point out the statement of finacial development is weakly suported and yet back here where's it gone here we go [reads] promotes economic growth significantly. • What did I say. Let's have a look. Subheadings…yes, you've begun with subheadings. Maybe you can add some sub subheadings when you're in the draft phase. Then you need to demonstrate that you can move nicely from one idea into the next idea and into the next idea. Often you refer back in the second idea to the first idea, so there's a common thread all the way through.

22. Teacher 2 tutorial comments • somebody who is going to read your work who is not an expert will say exactly the same thing as I say. It is too technical and it is very difficult for me to follow any kind of argument because I do not have the knowledge. • You are right you needed to change structure • OK the language is a bit problematic but content and organisation you have improved

23. Basturkmen, East & Bitchener (2014) Definitions and feedback examples Cohesion and coherence ‘links between and order of information and ideas’ Cohesion‘This condition’ - Which condition, learning difficulty (not clear)? Coherence First mention of something that perhaps needs to be explained. Things are a bit jumbled in this chapter

24. Basturkmen, East & Bitchener (2014) PhD supervisors in three disciplines ‘The study found that the students were likely to get one or two requirement- focused comments but might not receive any comments on cohesion/coherence over four pages of a draft section.’ p.441 Example 13 ‘So you’re saying L2 instruction is influenced by L1? Fine, but perhaps it needs explicit stating’. Example 14 ‘Nice, but is the above really leading to the conclusion?’

25. Hyatt, 2005: p.345Definitions and examples Structural comments: Discourse level. These comments consider the organisationof the assignment as a whole in terms of the constituent sections*/introduction, literature review, conclusion and so on. These comments may consider how each of these constituent sections may be put together, in terms of rhetorical moves, or how they themselves may fit together to give a structure to the overall assignment (coherence). • Tantalisinglybrief conclusion, as if you suddenly realised you had run out of words. I wanted to know more about what you thought the implications, and limitations of this research were. I also wanted to know how this might impact on your practice and how it related to other research literature. (Text 11) • This introduction covers the main structural elements of aims, scope and sequence. It would have been improved by first considering the background to the project and then looking at the reasons for this choice of research project. It has a rather brief superficial feel and I would have expected at this level a greater critical engagement with the issues under consideration. (Text 12) Sentence level. These comments look at the organisationof individual sentences, in terms of length, relations to other sentences (cohesion) and so on: • ‘This sentence is a good signpost to the next section and thus a good structural point’ (Text 45); • ‘Some breakdowns in sentence structure here’ (Text 16).

26. Hyatt, 2005 p348Masters level in Educational Studies

27. Basturkmen, East & Bitchener (2014) That relatively few cohesion/coherence-focused comments were evident was surprising in light of previous research reporting problems with coherence at advanced levels of writing (Bitchener and Basturkmen 2006). This finding may be interpreted in relation to the difficulty of diagnosing and commenting on problems in the coherence of writing. Although commenting on cohesion, especially cohesive devices on the surface of text, for example, ‘It - wrong referent’, can be relatively straightforward, commenting on coherence is more difficult as coherence concerns the logic underlying text. Deciphering unclear or incoherent text is a very demanding task entailing the supervisor in deconstructing text and attempting to understand how elements in it are interrelated. The demanding nature of the task may explain the lower number of comments on this aspect of writing. That supervisors made relatively few comments on the underlying coherence of text compared to linguistic accuracy/appropriateness may also be related to the extent of revision required. Improving text coherence would generally require more extensive revisioncompared to revising surface-level linguistic forms. P 442

28. Basturkmen, East & Bitchener (2014) • Few supervisors would have an explicit knowledge of discourse features contributing to text coherence, although they may have implicit knowledge and be able to create coherent text. Professional development for supervisors could usefully target this aspect of writing. Sessions, possibly led by Applied Linguists, could help supervisors diagnose problems with coherence and demonstrate ways to respond to students’ difficulties. P.443 • cohesion/coherence-focused comments, however, were formulated more often as supervisors seeking solutions (questioning or suggesting). P.443

29. Pre-interview task The hardest part of the criteria to spot is: • General specific and given new pattern aids flow of ideas across sentences (70s) Did you spot it?

30. Interactions between animals and plants are fundamental processes on the maintenance of life on Earth. On tropical forests up to 94% of plant species rely on several animal species to disperse their seeds (Howe and Smallwood 1982). An efficient seed-dispersal is essential to complete plants' life cycle; seeds dispersed on suitable sites, far from most natural enemies, and on viable time have higher chance to germinate and survive (Jordano 1995). Thus having the 'right' partner is key to seed-dispersal which is also determined by the evolutionary and ecological history of the interacting species (Jordano et al 2003; Galetti et al 2013b). Of those, functional and ecological traits are determinants for the interaction to occur (Galetti et al 2011). Large seeds are only dispersed by large-bodied animals, for example, whereas smaller seeds are likely to be less restrictive but face higher risk of predation. Yet there must be a synchrony on the phenology of the plant and the occurrence of the animal to the interaction takes place.Nevertheless, seed-dispersal is being threaten by the increasing loss of species and habitats associated to different anthropogenic processes as landscape fragmentation, hunting, climate change and invasive species (McConkey et al 2012). Here, we focus on two of those threats: defaunation and alien species.

31. Is it the missing link? Why? • Do you give feedback as a language teacher or as a reader? • Do you give feedback on cohesion/coherence? • Which is more difficult? Why? • Time needed by tutor to unpack? • Linguistic skill needed to explain issues? • Time needed by student to revise?

32. What can we do about it? • Train ourselves to pick up on it • Raise tutor awareness in CPD & materials • Focus on positives as well as problems • Provide tools egquickmark comments sets • Break down end of script comments

33. Grademark: Quickmark sets good coherence • This means that your text has a logical flow to it. If you want to practise, here are some useful links: On the Academic Writing Blackboard site in Course Content Term 1:https://www.southeastern.edu/acad_research/programs/writing_center/handouts/pdf _hando / Additional Comment Nice presentation of limitations good cohesion • Your text is cohesive and hangs together well. If you want to practise and study it further, here's a useful website to study and with some practice activities: http://www.uefap.com/writing/parag/par_coh.htm good topic sentence • A topic sentence organises an entire paragraph, and you need to include one in your paragraphs. Although topic sentences can appear anywhere in a paragraph, in academic essays they of tend to appear at the beginning. Here are some links for further practice: http://www.uefap.com/writing/parag/partopic.htmhttp://arts.uottawa.ca/writingcentre/en/hypergrammar/writing-paragraphs good paragraph structure • Your paragraph is structured well. There is unity - i.e. there is one central idea. There is a topic sentence which prepares the reader for the content of the paragraph and there is support throughout the paragraph. It is logically structured (i.e. there is coherence). If you wish to study more and practise, here are some useful websites: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/ • Additional Comment Despite this being a nice example of well structured paragraph, it is still too descriptive. weak transition • Although paragraphs are separate parts in your writing they are linked through the line of reasoning and should come together to create a 'whole'. You need to work on this transition as it is weak. paragraph - general to specific development • Your paragraph needs some attention. Check that it develops the one topic from a general perspective/observation to specific, where you deal with more specific details. Does this help the flow of the paragraph? A paragraph needs unity (one central idea that is developed) A paragraph needs a topic sentence which prepares the reader for the content of the paragraph and there is support throughout the paragraph. It needs to be logically structured (i.e. there is coherence). If you wish to study more and practise, here are some useful websites:http://grammar.about.com/od/fh/g/General-To-Specific-Order.htm https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/

34. References • Helen Basturkmen, Martin East & John Bitchener (2014) Supervisors' on-script feedback comments on drafts of dissertations: socialising students into the academic discourse community, Teaching in Higher Education, 19:4, 432-445, DOI: 10.1080/13562517.2012.752728 • David F. Hyatt (2005) ‘Yes, a very good point!’: a critical genre analysis of a corpus of feedback commentaries on Master of Education assignments, Teaching in Higher Education, 10:3, 339-353, DOI: 10.1080/13562510500122222